Earlier this month, we stumbled upon a box of WWE Valentines at a local pharmacy. Being the hardcore wrestling fans that we are, we just had to buy them and see what they were all about. Of course, they were for children, but it looks like whoever made these cards was NOT a wrestling fan and did the bare minimum. I mean Kofi Kingston’s says “Hope your Valentine’s Day is GREAT!” Really? Not one Boom? or 3? Get it together!
Anyway, since these were made for kids, we decided to come up with meanings for each Valentine’s Day card. If a person gives you a Sin Cara Valentine instead of a John Cena one, what do they really think of you?
Hope you enjoy these cards and have a Happy Valentine’s Day!
You’re an AWESOME Valentine! We all like how AWESOME you are. You know what’s not AWESOME? How you use the word AWESOME for everything. Pizza Day in the Cafeteria? AWESOME! Extra Recess? AWESOME! Field Trips? AWESOME! but Fishstick Fridays? Really? Really? Those aren’t awesome. Also, that one time you beat everybody in Freeze Tag was AWESOME. But stop talking about it. It was 2 years ago.
You’re so energetic, Valentine! You jump around whenever your name is called first! and you’re still excited when it’s called second! (Your name is never called last though … interesting) You’re everyone’s favorite lab partner. When we pair with you, we’ll tag team that project to the championships because you make everyone better. Except that – eventually – we wonder why you have a partner in the first place. You’re a Solid B+ and that B Stands for “Boom! Boom! Boom!”
You don’t say much, Valentine, but then again, you don’t have to. All you have to do is point and we know what you mean: The Evil Monkey from Family Guy! You’re so funny. You’re a little shy what with all the face hiding and the mood lighting. Sometimes we can’t tell if it’s you or someone who is exactly like you. But in Gym Class, surrounded by all those trampolines, we find the truth. You jump higher than everybody! Watch out for those landings though!
You are a Winner, Valentine! Just don’t let it go to your head. I mean, we know that you and the Billion Crayon Princess “like like” each other but that wasn’t always the case. You didn’t become the King of Kings of Baseball alone. Remember your rivalry? DX versus the Nation? You and your team Played the Game and beat everybody (except the Rock. He just moved away). Now, all you swing around is your ego … and sometimes a sledgehammer. That’s all well and good but remember 2 things: never cut your hair again and Shawn is better.
Let’s Face Facts, Valentine: Your Attendance is Poor but When You Do Show Up, You’re the Most Electrifying one in the room. And yes, Your Jokes have the Attitude of a Different Era and should land you in Detention but You’re so charming, You Could Get Away with Calling the Teacher a Prostitute. Everytime you show up, you look a little different: a new haircut, a new tracksuit, some tribal tattoo stickers … but you still get the most Valentines, eventhough you call us a Punk Ass Bitch. It’s Cool to Swear When You Do It.
The Valentine is Here! Girls love you and Boys hate you but you still show up everyday. You have perfect attendance! When it comes to Hide and Go Seek, we can’t ever see you! You always win. You raise your hand so proudly in class eventhough you always say the same five things. Still, you deliver! That’s why we nicknamed you the mailman, Champ. That and because you always wear jorts no matter the weather.
You’re the person that doesn’t get a Valentine from anybody, so you got this one out of pity. It was supposed to be a Never Before: Never Again, thing but now you’re really getting into the idea of getting the same Valentine a second year in a row, only with slightly different writing on the inside. A straightedge Valentine’s Day Card just won’t cut it.
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