In I Have ’til 5, 3MB will Pick a Topic and Discuss the 5 Finer Points of it
Everyone in the WWE Universe is trying to figure out who the Secret Admirer of Kaitlyn is. So far, we know 2 things: The Admirer sent Kaitlyn a leather hat covered in spikes. The Admirer texted Kaitlyn an odd poem, including with a “Choo-Choo-Choose You” reference probably learned from our RAW Recaps. But maybe that Simpsons reference was not just an indicator of great television tastes; what if Kaitlyn’s Anonymous General Manager Suitor is actually a resident of Springfield, USA?
We came up with the five best possible guesses for who could be Kaitlyn’s Animated Suitor.
5. Ralph Wiggum
We all saw how much Ralph loves that Choo-Choo-Choose Pun when he received that card in “I Love Lisa.” In fact, Ralph’s entire understanding of relationships is through puns. Breakups are just “Let’s Bee Friends” moments. So when Ralph finds a new love interest, of course he would go back to that phrase. Also, let’s not forget that Ralph has ambition. As the son of the Chief of Police he is already in a sweet spot to control over Springfield’s loose authority figures. And! Ralph Wiggum is a former Presidential Candidate:
Pick a Winner, Kaitlyn (more puns!). You could do worse, like Milhouse’s Dad.
See?!? Can he borrow a feeling? No, seriously, can he? The sad sack of Evergreen Terrace needs a win and being the paramour of Kaitlyn would finally give Kirk the advantage in his relationship with Luann. “Kaitlyn doesn’t need to draw on her eyebrows! Kaitlyn likes my race car bed!” Yes, Kirk and Luann reunited and remarried in “Little Orphan Millie” but ever since Luann dated Pyro (and allegedly Gyro), Kirk has never been able to let it go. It would be a pity relationship but that’s the best Kirk can hope for.
Comic Book Guy would pair well with the WWE Divas Champion’s quirky personality. He would get all of her Simpsons references since he’s probably the only person in town who knows them all. He probably has the inside track on all mustache related merchandise. Kaitlyn, being wrestling’s only hybrid Diva, is the perfect collectible for Comic Book Guy: she’s the ultimate limited edition. Like most WWE Superstars, CBG has two names: his proper name, Jeff Albertson, was only revealed after 16 Seasons in “Homer and Ned’s Hail Mary Pass” and even then it was only a passing comment.
Okay, heare us out. We’re taking a page from Patton Oswald’s Parks and Rec appearance on this one.
Futurama, like The Simpsons, was created by Matt Groening. And both shows reference each other constantly. And what does the show of the Future have in it? Time Travel! Maybe Zap Brannigan gets tired of Leela’s rejection and decides to check the history books for an smart, sexy, powerful woman to rival her… but, you know, with two eyes. So he finds the Hybrid Diva* and tests the Professor’s time travel device with a leather spiky present. Sound familiar? Who knows? Maybe what we all thought was a leather hat is really some device Zapp picked up in the Snu Snu caves. He’s freaky like that.**
*The portal to the WWE’s Universe was opened when Bret Hart appeared on “The Old Man and The Lisa.”
Neither show is above a crossover and a Simpsons/Futurama crossover is a lot better for the WWE than Pacific Blue.
Yes, we ALL feel dirty afterwards. Just take a shower.
1. AJ Lee
1. AJ’s the most animated person in the WWE! Why wouldn’t she be Kaitlyn’s paramour? As Kaitlyn’s former best friend, this one half of the Chickbusters would definitely know all of Kaitlyn’s favorite things. Why wouldn’t she use them to her advantage? She’s delightfully evil like Mr. Burns and this could all be AJ’s plan to distract Kaitlyn before their title match so AJ can become the new Divas champion. You can just picture her curling her fingers now, cackling “Excellent,” can’t you? (You’re also probably picturing Big E. Langston as Smithers … same haircut). But AJ is less Monty Burns and more Jessica Lovejoy: she just wants attention and her best friend back.
And, if none of these suitors work for Kaitlyn, there’s always Moe.
In Snapshots, Three Man Booth searches for images to share.
While we often hear about the struggles Wrestlers have in pursuing their dream without the support of friends or family. And, success or not, following your wrestling passion should be celebrated. However, Wrestlers who do have that family backing should also be celebrated. Don’t worry: Mr. Ryder will have his moment in the sun next month; we’re going to discuss Mothers, some of the most unsung heroes in wrestling.
At FWE’s “Back to Brooklyn” show in October 2012, we watched Jorge Santi face off against Chris Mordetsky, formerly Chris “The Masterpiece” Masters. Santi, who was unknown to us before that night, became our favorite wrestler, due to the positive nature of his cheering section, led by his mother. She wore a Santi t-shirt (also available for purchase) and never sat down (We sat right next to her). The Santi bandwagon grew with each passing move… until Santi pulled down Chris’ pants! Knowing she raised him better than that, we pleaded with her to make her son pull those pants back up. Mordetsky ultimately won the match but Santi – specifically, the Mrs. Santi – won the evening.
This kind of dedication is not limited to local promotions. The WWE has a feature on their site about Superstars’ and Divas’ Mother’s Day Tributes, which is a reminder that the support of a Mother never runs out. But for our first Mother’s Day, there is one woman whose passion we need to showcase: Judith Bagwell, mother of Marcus Alexander Bagwell.
Image Courtesy of WWE.com
Chances are, you were probably know Marcus Alexander Bagwell when he was Buff Bagwell. Well, Judy supported him during not only through the ‘Buff Era’ (although I’m sure she still called him ‘Marcus’) but also through his previous incarnations, his tag team partners – including ‘American Males’ Scotty Riggs and ‘Totally Buffed’ Lex Luger -, and his haircuts. If that wasn’t enough, Mrs. Bagwell cemented her legacy in two ways:
She teamed with Rick Steiner to defend the WCW Tag Team Championships … against her son.
She inspired a match: The infamous “Judy Bagwell on a Pole Match.”
For better or worse, Judy Bagwell will go down in professional wrestling’s history books. And while her… um, signature(?) match is a source of derision, her dedication to her son and to wrestling cannot be denied. This is true of all mothers of Wrestling, whether they teamed with the Dog Faced Gremlin or not.
In Cheap Pop, Three Man Booth discusses random topics
with a slight historical bend.
Recently, Network Television had their version of the WWE’s Black Friday, that infamous post-Wrestlemania day when the WWE trims its Superstar roster. Television opted to cancel a slew of shows: CBS dropped Dramas like Vegas, Golden Boy and CSI: NY along with the “I can’t believe this show is still on” Comedy Rules of Engagement. FOX has been trimming the fat all year long, pulling the plug on the Mob Doctor, breaking up the underrated Comedy Ben & Kate, and finally quarantining Touch. NBC canceled … everything! Well, almost everything: Both Parks and RecreationsandCommunity were renewed! ABC made a lot of sensible decisions, dropping 666 Park Avenue, Malibu Country and anything they aired on Thursdays at 8pm (We watched you, Last Resort). But when it came to their Comedies, we disagree with the cancellation of Don’t Trust The B in Apt. 23 and, especially, Happy Endings.
Our hearts broke upon hearing the news that Happy Endings was canceled. Especially since we’ve talked about its wrestling connection not once, but twice. There is a little bit of a silver lining though: rumors say that USA is interesting in picking up Happy Endings, similar to when Cougar Town was picked up by TBS after ABC dropped it. So, here we are, thrice discussing Happy Endings, in the hope to persuade USA to pick up the show. Here are some ideas that have the comedy crossover with the longest running weekly episodic series on television, Monday Night RAW.
5. Penny B. Ware*
The Pitch: Tired of Dave using his 1/8th Cherokee ancestry as a defense, the group all take a home genealogy test. When the results reveal that Penny is related to Koko B. Ware (possibly her daughter), everyone thinks there’s a mix-up: clearly, those are Brad’s results, right? Penny, determined to find out the truth and Brad, confident that his dad isn’t the Birdman, track down Koko, who is in town for a WWE event. They discover that Koko is related to someone in the group: Max.
*Inspired by our Twitter Conversation with @Happywrites
@3manbooth I see her more as the daughter of Koko B Ware.
— Happy Endings (@happywrites) May 3, 2013
@happywrites That’s even better! Penny could definitely rock a blonde flattop and neon pants. Alex calls dibs on Frankie the bird though.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 3, 2013
4. Second City Secret Service
The Pitch: Max needs money and signs up to be a member of the”Second City Secret Service.” Naturally, he didn’t read the fine print: he agreed to ‘interrupt’ Chicago’s celebrities in public and get berated – verbally and/or physically – to detract any overbearing autograph hounds. Max’s first client is CM Punk. The two bond when Punk puts Max in an Anaconda Vice after Max ‘successfully interrupts’ Punk’s lunch with best friend / WWE Superstar Colt Cabana (Hey, it’s our Pitch!). Their friendship comes with benefits for the group (free tickets to wrestling shows; portraits by Jill Thompson) but at the cost of Max’s already below standard health.
3. STEAK. ME. MORE.
The Pitch: In town for Monday Night RAW, The Ryback finds Dave’s Foodtruck, Steak Me Home Tonight, for lunch. After 10 Steak Sandwiches, Dave is able to quell The Ryback’s FEED ME MORE appetite … for now. The Ryback’s followers – The Rybackolytes – come to Dave’s foodtruck in droves because “Ryback Rules.” Seeing more business (and money) than ever before, Dave agrees to follow The Ryback around the country as his personal chef while raking in dough from the Rybackolytes. The group realizes they can’t function without Dave around (who will they make fun of?) and devise a plan to keep Dave in Chicago: a “Meat on the Table” All-You-Can-Eat Rib Competition against The Ryback. Using their secret weapon, Alex, they defeat him by one rib, mostly because The Ryback filled up on Steak Sandwiches right before the competition.
2. Let’s Make It a Tag Team Match!
The Pitch: Brad and Jane declare themselves the best couple in the group (they’re the only couple in the group) and look to prove they are best couple of all time. After entering a nationwide “Perfect Couples” contest, they find themselves in the regional finals against The WWE’s best couple, Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee. Their intense competition – including rounds like Sexting, Roleplay, Antiquing and Pet Names – comes down to the final round: Board Game Night. Who will emerge victorious?
1. You Can’t See Hartz
The Pitch: During “Chicago Cares Week,” Penny’s PR firm works with the WWE, causing Penny and John Cena, the WWE’s representative, to be paired up for several events. Penny gets smitten with Cena’s behavior (“He’s so good with kids!”) and tries to turn Cena heel … as her boyfriend. Penny treats all the other charity events into dates: wearing tight dresses, openly flirting in front of the WWE Universe, getting jealous of the WWE Divas (Bella Twins? There’s two of them?!?). Penny mistakes an invitation to the closing Charity Dinner for a date and gets frustrated seeing Cena’s outfit for the night is the same T-Shirt and Jorts.
See, USA? Happy Endings is a perfect fit on your network. If this doesn’t work, we have Happy Endings / Psych crossovers too. Spoiler Alert: those will also involve wrestling.
John Cena tells his BFF, Stu The Cameraman that “We’re better than we were last week.” Stu agrees. They’ve worked out their issues. #BFFs — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Achilles Face! — hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) May 7, 2013
I really cannot get over how awful that current John Cena shirt is. — Chris Sims(@theisb) May 7, 2013
This crowd is kinda pro cena. Thats rare! #wwe#raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
John Cena says it was a week of unrest and questions so right now he’s going to answer those questions using the playbook of Ancient Chinese Philospher Daniel Bryan: Master Of The Iron Arts. Cena imitates Bryan’s “YES!” and says competing last week was not good for his heel. “NO!” it won’t stop him from defending his WWE Championship against Ryback at Extreme Rules. “YES!” Cena was confused about Ryback’s intentions after Ryback “gazed into his eyes” from the ramp last week. “YES!” Cena thinks Ryback is ready to DTF. “YES!” DTF stands for “Do The Fandango.” ”NO!” That picture of Cena, Betty White and the spatula is photoshopped. And “YES!” Cena does it but only when he’s alone and nobody is watching.
Really, Cena? You’ve gotta do Daniel Bryan’s “YES!” and “NO” chants? You just can’t let anyone have anything for themselves can you? — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Just sayin’, you don’t dare have anyone going “you can’t see me” in THEIR promos… #WWE#Raw — DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) May 7, 2013
I want to be mad, but Bryan is Cena’s future brother-in-law, so this is okay? — Zach Levine (@zmanjets86) May 7, 2013
After a series of unfunny jokes, John Cena says that he is not a doctor; he is a WWE Superstar and current WWE Champion. Cena goes on to say as long as he’s WWE Champion, it’s his job to get in the ring and defend his championship. Cena claims he hasn’t been 100% since 2002, but no amount of injury is going to stop him from facing Ryback at Extreme Rules and that Ryback will find out The Champ Is here.
….I hate this crap Cena. Get to the point. — Powerline (@Osito1034) May 7, 2013
John Cena is interrupted by Vickie Guerrero. Vickie Guerrero tells John Cena she’s excited that John Cena will be able to defend the title against Ryback at Extreme Rules. Vickie says this pay-per-view won’t be ordinary. It will be Extreme. Vickie runs down the confirmed matches then tells Cena that she expects his match to be Extreme. Vickie wants to make a match, but wants the opinions of both to the Champion and Challenger. Vickie introduces Ryback.
Thank you for saving the segment…Vickie Guerrero?? #wwe#Raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
Here comes The Cornfed Meathead. — Tracksuit Dracula (@TimWelcomed) May 7, 2013
With Ryback being DTF, “MEAT On The Table” has a different meaning. — hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) May 7, 2013
Vickie Guerrero allows John Cena to choose his stipulation first since he is the WWE Champion. Cena tells Ryback that he wants to be “fair” to him then suggests a match where the winner runs out of the ring like a girl. Cena suggests a Whine-Off like Ryback then imitates Ryback’s whining and liking the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes.”
Why is John Cena making fun of The Ultimate Warrior? #Raw — Jake from State Farm (@Batman_Infinite) May 7, 2013
There is not a damn thing wrong with Fried Green Tomatoes. Shutcher lip, Cena. #RAW — D. O’Brien (@Heinekenrana) May 7, 2013
Cena has his moments. This is one of them, lmao. — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
John Cena says he doesn’t care what the match is and it could be a “Vickie Guerrero Granny Panties On A Poll Match.” Cena immediately changes his mind and says no man; woman or child should ever have to see that match. All Cena wants is a chance to fight and a chance to shut up the “World’s Largest Complainer.”
I hope one day a giant hook pulls John Cena out of the ring while he tells his jokes. — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
As if cena was whining when he lost to the rock. Pot meet kettle. — Powerline (@Osito1034) May 7, 2013
Vickie Guerrero tells Ryback that she did not appreciate him walking out last week and that he should be grateful that Cena is graciously allowing him to choose the stipulation. Ryback tells Cena that throwing away the chance to pick his stipulation at Extreme Rules was “Extremely Stupid.” Cena mocks Ryback’s brains, takes a step then says that if he takes another one, it’s going to hurt Ryback a lot more than it hurts him. Ryback refuses to fight Cena tonight saying he’s smart enough to walk away from the fight when the timing is wrong. Ryback points out the irony of Cena’s Achilles’ heel, literally being his Achilles’ heel, then says that Cena’s REAL Achilles’ heel is his pride and his ego.
Holy hell this guy needs a manager — Zach Levine (@zmanjets86) May 7, 2013
“I learned a new word today, achilles.” — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Ryback says at Extreme Rules everyone will know “Ryback Rules” then chooses a Last Man Standing Match then leaves.
But I wanted a Ryback Rules Match at Extreme Rules. 😦 #RAW — No Fun (@HipsterKassius) May 7, 2013
Watch out for duct tape, Ryback. — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Cena vs. Ryback in Last Man Standing Match: The winner is the person who can survive watching an hour Tim Allen’s show “Last Man Standing.” — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Match 01: Randy Orton vs. Damien Sandow
Because you don’t watch Smackdown you get to have this match again. — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Sandow gets an entrance, Orton does not. You’re Welcome. #RAW — D. O’Brien (@Heinekenrana) May 7, 2013
Damien Sandow does his own rendition of Randy Orton’s theme.
Damien Sandow is the best thing on #Raw. — Chris Sims(@theisb) May 7, 2013
Four for you Damian Sandow!! — Powerline (@Osito1034) May 7, 2013
Damien Sandow is the next Weird Al Yankovic! — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Swoon for Sandow. #raw — Arya Stark (@prettyheartless) May 7, 2013
Why wouldnt the intellectual savior of the masses not be a lyrical genius?#wwe#Raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
An Evening with Damien Sandow double album, now only 19.95 plus shipping & handling. #WWE#Raw — DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) May 7, 2013
Winner: Randy Orton
That was a nasty-looking RKO. #WWE#Raw — DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) May 7, 2013
…Randy..what’s up with that pin, bro? — hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) May 7, 2013
Post-Match, Big Show knocks out Randy Orton.
Big Show loves to knock people out, just so he can watch them sleep. #WWE#Raw — DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) May 7, 2013
I’m sorry. How can Big Show “blindside” anyone? If you can’t see him coming, that’s a you problem. — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Love the Rose Titanic pose Orton has right now. Someone sketch him. — Powerline (@Osito1034) May 7, 2013
Chris Jericho returns!
JERICHOOOOOOOO!!!! — Kate Bishop (@ShayLMitchell) May 7, 2013
Surprise Jericho! Even got some red lights on his jacket. — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
There better be a [City Name] Street Fight tonight to justify those jeans, Chris Jericho. — Chris Sims(@theisb) May 7, 2013
Chris Jericho welcomes us to “RAW is Jericho!” then says he knows Fandumbo is coming out next, so he decided to get a judges panel to critique the performance of Fandodge Durango, Fandimple, Fandingleberry, Fandang-blow, Fandoodle, Fan-GOIN TO A GO-GO! DON’T YOU WANNA GO! Jericho says you can’t be a judges panel by yourself so he scoured the locker room and found two Superstars that not only know how to kick butt, but know how to shake some bootay! Jericho brings out Tons of Funk.
Jericho loves Tensai and Brodus and screw you guys, I find that cute. #RAW — D. O’Brien (@Heinekenrana) May 7, 2013
Jericho is so good and willing to put anything over, he could convince me to drink spoiled milk, but he’d drink it too! #Raw — Tyler Edwards (@Und3rAverageJoe) May 7, 2013
Fandango comes out with the original Fandangirl!
Sometimes I think I’m having a bad day, then I listen to Fandango’s theme and I feel better again. — Stacey Heisenbert (@LittleSherbie) May 7, 2013
Summer Rae, The First Lady Of NXT, seems to have been demoted from her position as a Fandangette. — Chris Sims(@theisb) May 7, 2013
Yes, yes, everyone. The 500 Days of Summer (Rae) are over. I’m sorry. #RAW — D. O’Brien (@Heinekenrana) May 7, 2013
I can almost guarantee Summer returns in June or July. — Powerline (@Osito1034) May 7, 2013
Fandango gets poor rankings from the judges then asks Chris Jericho who he thinks he is to judge him. Fandango brings up Chris Jericho’s appearance on dances with the stars and says just because he failed, doesn’t make him an expert.
Tons Of Funk will judge Fandango on his dancing, while Naomi and Cam’ron will judge Fandango on his Twerking. — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Bret Hart gives it a 4. #raw — Arya Stark (@prettyheartless) May 7, 2013
R-Truth comes out.
Did R-Truth almost trip over his own ignorance? — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
R-Truth’s Entrance gets a 0.#wwe#raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
R-Truth looks like an extra on a Chief Keef video. — MVP (@The305MVP) May 7, 2013
Match 02: Fandango vs. R-Truth
R-Truth does his stupid split and gets a 10, 10 and a 42.
*Obligatory R-truth can’t count to 10 joke* — hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) May 7, 2013
Fandango walks out of the match.
The Judges were corrupt. Fandango was right to walk out. #wwe#Raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
Fandango gets away with that all of the damn time. You would think he would get fired eventually. — Tracksuit Dracula (@TimWelcomed) May 7, 2013
Winner: R-Truth (via countout)
I agree Jericho, I rate that match a 0 out of 10. — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Backstage: Josh Mathews asks Daniel Bryan how he’s feeling after being attacked by The Shield. Bryan says he’s good but he’s fine. Bryan says The Shield likes to throw around the word Justice as a reason for their attacks, but they’re not fooling anyone. Bryan says to prove it he’s going to challenge The Ryback. Ryback walks up and tells Bryan that he’s going to tell him a word that he’s really familiar with “NO.” Ryback says even if Bryan was healthy, he’d destroy him again because Bryan is half the man he is.
A+ and Gold Star to Daniel Bryan for saying “The Ryback” on Raw. — Chris Sims(@theisb) May 7, 2013
Ryback, being a nice guy and caring about the well being of others isn’t very heel like. — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
I really like reasonable Dr. Ryback, cosplaying as Spinelli from Recess. #RAW — D. O’Brien (@Heinekenrana) May 7, 2013
Kane grabs Ryback and challenges him but Ryback says that Kane’s not the monster he used to be And that there’s room for only one monster. Ryback Rules. Then walks off.
Kane is really a protective husband. — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Yeah Ryback, don’t pick on Kane’s boyfriend. #raw — Kara (@karaadora) May 7, 2013
O’Doyle rules! — Tracksuit Dracula (@TimWelcomed) May 7, 2013
Ryback sounds like a 13yr old. Saying “Ryback rules” after everything. — hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) May 7, 2013
Im confused. Is Ryback’s last name “Rules”? #wwe#Raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
Match 03: Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler
Ricardo Rodzubaz #raw — Arya Stark (@prettyheartless) May 7, 2013
YAMMASEECABEROSHDLJSHFLJDMEROMERO ALBERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
UUUUDEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Wiggle that Ziggle! — Powerline (@Osito1034) May 7, 2013
lol Zeb that vest is OD — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Zeb Colter’s got on his Crip vest tonight so he wants to confront Big E. Langston — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
@keepitfivestar LOL! He’s a wrestling god, he can call him whatever he wants. — Kate Bishop (@ShayLMitchell) May 7, 2013
Alberto Del Rio locks the Cross Armbreaker on Dolph Ziggler but AJ Lee gets on the ropes to distract the ref while Big E. Langston pulls Del Rio off of Ziggler. Langston throws Del Rio into Swagger.
Swagger just took a Del Rio to the face. #RAW — Stacey Heisenbert (@LittleSherbie) May 7, 2013
Winner: Alberto Del Rio (via DQ)
Post-Match, Jack Swagger attacks Big E. Langston from behind then Alberto Del Rio. Swagger pulls out a ladder and tries to attack Del Rio, but RicRod jumps on top of him. Swagger throws RicRod off then hits him with the ladder. Jack Swagger continues his attack by taking out Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler with the ladder.
LADDERS are still awesome and violent.Best weapon in the game. #wwe#Raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
@keepitfivestar he hit it three + times already. It should have disappeared! — Not Regal (@RegalSays) May 7, 2013
This shows that Swagger should be taken seriously as he’s been a non-threat thus far. Good segment. He’s unpredictable, he’s careless. — Kate Bishop (@ShayLMitchell) May 7, 2013
Swagger looked like a total badass there, but let me tell you from experience, Home Depot frowns on you doing that in their store. #WWE#Raw — DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) May 7, 2013
Backstage: Kaitlyn and the Funkadactyls are going over strategy for their match against AJ Lee and The Bellas tonight until Katilyn’s text message tone goes off. Cameron and Naomi ask Kaitlyn about her secret admirer then call him a stalker. Kaitlyn says she thinks this guy gets him then Natalya walks up and asks who the secret admirer is.
Oh my god I love Kaitlyn’s text tone. #RAW — D. O’Brien (@Heinekenrana) May 7, 2013
Really hope AJ is the person or a new diva….or Nattie turning heel. — Kate Bishop (@ShayLMitchell) May 7, 2013
Im just going to say it now. Hornswoggle is the secret admirer. Its always freaking Hornswoggle. #wwe#raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
Kaitlyn reads the text out loud. “Not every woman can squat 300 pounds, quote every Simpsons episode and still look hot in a little black dress. I choo-choo-choose you.” The Divas aren’t impressed, until Kaitlyn tells them that’s a Simpsons quote. They pretend to know what she’s talking about.
To all of you asking if I’m the one texting Kaitlyn, I’m not telling! — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Sorry I’m Late. I Was Sending a Special Text Message to Someone I … Choo-Choo-Chose. — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Natalya says she has an idea then bring The Great Khali into the situation. Natalya says they should get Khali to go undercover to see who the secret admirer is, but keep it a secret. Khali shushes then walks off. Kaitlyn questions this plan but Natalya says Khali used to be a police officer in India then walks off. Kaitlyn and The Funkadactyls walk off going over strategy. Shortly after, The Bellas peek from behind the curtain then high five each other.
What were they hiding for? — Powerline (@Osito1034) May 7, 2013
Match 04: The Shield vs. Kofi Kingston and The Usos
Sierra. Hotel. India. Echo. Lima Delta. #Raw — Jake from State Farm (@Batman_Infinite) May 7, 2013
The Usos and Kofi. Sure why not. — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Jey Uso: U-Roman Reigns: SO! *Almost does the Siva Tau but stops himself* Sorry. Force of habit. — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Kofi Kingston gets offense but gets knocked off the ropes by Seth Rollins. Dean Ambrose hits the Snapmare Headlock.
Dean Ambrose is already the best talker now he has the best finisher. This dude will be champ in 2 years. #wwe#Raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
Winners: The Shield
That was enjoyable as hell y’all — Tracksuit Dracula (@TimWelcomed) May 7, 2013
All in all a very good match. Usos and Kofi almost made me believe they had it. — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Kofi Kingston’s actually happy to be knocked out for a few seconds. With that new baby, he hasn’t gotten much sleep lately. — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Match 05: Antonio Cesaro vs. Zack Ryder
Antonio Cesaro is looking more and more like M. Bison each day. — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Zack Ryder’s Tights Look Like Fruit Stripe Gum. Just Like His Push, It Only Lasts a Few Seconds. — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
“LET’S GO RYDER! (WOO WOO WOO!)” – The one guy in the crowd stuck in 2011. — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Looks like Cesaro is going back to being a dominant Swiss machine. Thank The Wrestling Gods. #wwe#raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
Winner: Antonio Cesaro
Take Care, Mr. Ryder, and please, Spike your hair. #wwe#Raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
Post-Match, Antonio Cesaro takes the mic and says he doesn’t always ask for the microphone but when he does it’s important. Cesaro calls out the lack of competition in the WWE then says he puts the W in WWE. Cesaro claims there is no one in NXT, Smackdown, Saturday Morning Slam or RAW that can hold a candle to what he can do in this ring.
PREACH ANTONIO! — Powerline (@Osito1034) May 7, 2013
Cesaro might be my favourite part of WWE right now. #raw — Kara (@karaadora) May 7, 2013
Actually, Cesaro Puts Two W’s in WWE: World and Wrestling. Plus, He’s Entertaining! — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Paul Heyman Speaks:
Paul Heyman introduces himself then says he’s here on behalf of his client Brock Lesnar. Heyman tells the WWE Universe that he and Brock decided to take a tour of the WWE Offices today, but rather than tell everyone, he’s going to show everyone.
Sometimes, I Can’t Tell if Brock Lesnar is a Golem. The More He Does Paul Heyman’s Bidding, The More The Line Blurs. — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman walk into the offices.
This is As Close As I’ll Probably Get to Seeing the Inside of the WWE Offices. — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman get into the elevator.
Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman walk into Triple H’s office. Someone tries to stop Brock Lesnar but Lesnar knocks him down and yells at him.
I Don’t Know Whose Office That Is. I Didn’t See a Single H on That Placard. — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Oh, Brock. You had to ruin it by talking right? “*Sassy voice* Sit downnn and SHUT UP!” — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
There’s that intimidating voice of Lesnar — Natasha (@HEELcanadian) May 7, 2013
Shouldn’t Triple H’s Administrative Assistants Be Fully Capable of Wielding Sledgehammers At a Moment’s Notice? It’s A Job Requirement — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Brock Lesnar starts to destroy Triple H’s office with a sledgehammer.
A hole punch? HHH hole punches? — Natasha (@HEELcanadian) May 7, 2013
Triple H uses an old IBM? #raw — Arya Stark (@prettyheartless) May 7, 2013
Brock Lesnar like Fritos. Brock Lesnar like Tab and Mountain Dew. Brock Lesnar very simple man. #RAW — D. O’Brien (@Heinekenrana) May 7, 2013
Brock! You did it all wrong. You’re supposed to cover the sledgehammer with your hand first! Your hand! — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Triple H didn’t even have a window with a view! #Raw — Jake from State Farm (@Batman_Infinite) May 7, 2013
I feel sorry for the guy who has to clean up Triple H’s office. Poor JTG. #wwe#raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
The video ends then Paul Heyman says he has to know a little bit about Extreme, which is why it’s ironic that he has to be the voice of reason when it comes to Brock Lesnar. Heyman says he’s the one that always has to plead with Brock Lesnar not to do anything drastic. Heyman brings up Triple H Pedigreeing him a few weeks ago and because of that, he’s going to start encouraging Brock Lesnar instead of discouraging him. Heyman claims he’s going to plead with Lesnar to destroy Triple H, and take Triple H to the extreme, then go further and further and further and further and further and further and further-, Heyman gets knocked out of his further loop when Triple H’s theme plays.
And further and further and further and further and further and further and further and further and further and further and further and … — Jake from State Farm (@Batman_Infinite) May 7, 2013
I like Triple H’s Paul Heyman titantron — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Triple H makes a joke about Paul Heyman’s hair then asks him if he ever opens his mouth without a bunch of crap coming out of it. Triple H calls Paul Heyman out on going Extreme then says he knows a little something about Extreme. Triple H says he was one of the founding fathers of D-Generation X, tore through the Attitude Era and knocked out Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania.
Pretty sure ECW out extremes DX. Just sayin — Kate Bishop (@ShayLMitchell) May 7, 2013
When I think of Triple H, the word “extreme” is like the 698th word to pop in my head. — Tracksuit Dracula (@TimWelcomed) May 7, 2013
Paul Heyman tries to speak but gets told to shut up. Triple H says Paul Heyman can destroy his office and terrorize his co-workers but he doesn’t care. Triple H says he has another office and that’s the ring. Triple H tells Heyman that if Brock Lesnar has a problem he can step into the ring office. And unfortunately for Brock, Triple H fights back in this office.
So…Triple H doesn’t care about his employees that got intimidated? #ScumbagBoss — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Match 06: AJ Lee and The Bella Twins vs. Kaitlyn and The Funkadacytls
Looks like Bella Twins and their kooky kid sister. #raw — Arya Stark (@prettyheartless) May 7, 2013
AJ has made out with the Bellas boyfriends. — Melisandre Baratheon (@RitaHepburn) May 7, 2013
AJ Teams with Mew and MewTwo for 6 Diva Action! — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Poor Seth Rollins has to wrestle twice tonight. #raw — Arya Stark (@prettyheartless) May 7, 2013
Michael Cole decides to plug Rock-Pocalypse.
You Couldn’t Interrupt One of the Eleven “Ryback Rules” Recaps to Talk About The Rock’s Love of Digital Pie? — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
You don’t gotta take that crap from Cameron, AJ! You’re better than this. You’ve watched more matches than Melina vs. Alicia Fox. — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
I can see the influence from all those tapes Cameron studied of Melina and Alicia Fox. #raw — Arya Stark (@prettyheartless) May 7, 2013
AJ Lee goes for the tag but The Bellas walk out on her. Kaitlyn hits the spear on AJ.
Well at least it wasn’t a roll up. — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
The Bellas taunt everyone in the ring calling them losers.
the bellas forgot they lost too? — Melisandre Baratheon (@RitaHepburn) May 7, 2013
Bellas, there was no reason for you to turn your backs on AJ. So what if she was romantically linked with Cena, Bryan and Ziggl-…oh. — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Mark Henry calls out Sheamus:
STEPUPBRINGIT YESSIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Sheamus can make the baddest of bad dudes look like agood guy. #wwe#Raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
Mark Henry says in a couple of minutes Sheamus is going to come out here acting real tough, beating his chest and doing the Celtic Pose, but that’s where the problem is because Sheamus will be acting. Henry says he doesn’t have to act tough because he is tough. Henry gets ready to show the footage of him attacking Sheamus from a few weeks ago but gets stopped by “WHAT” chants. Henry mock the What Chants, calls the crowd puppets then shows the footage.
Being lectured by Mark Henry is like being lectured by my dad when he’s not mad at me, he’s just disappointed. #RAW — D. O’Brien (@Heinekenrana) May 7, 2013
“Y’ALL all a bunch of Puppets.”#wwe#raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
Mark Henry demands a close-up then says if Sheamus has any pride in his pasty body, he’ll face Henry at Extreme Rules. Henry says it’s been a long time since he got extreme, but he promises Sheamus that people will remember this match for the rest of existence. Henry almost continues but he’s interrupted by Sheamus’ music.
Mark Henry’s Closeup is Intimidating in HD. Even His Sweat Droplets Are Shaking. — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Let’s tune in and see how much of a scumbag Sheamus can be now! — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Sheamus comes out and says Mark Henry left half the video out. Sheamus says everyone’s seen what he does, but let’s see what he can do. Sheamus shows his version of the video.
What Mark Henry Does: Beats People UpWhat Sheamus Does: Cheapshots People. — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Mark Henry tells Sheamus that he’s full of jokes, but he better be serious about their Extreme Rules match. Sheamus says he’s a relaxed fella but when the bell rings, he’s all about business. Sheamus says at Extreme Rules, his business is Mark Henry. Mark Henry calls Sheamus out saying they don’t have to wait until Extreme Rules to face each other. Sheamus agrees, but gets interrupt by Wade Barrett, Sheamus’ scheduled opponent.
Excuse me—-Wade Barrett?!?!?!?! — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Somehow, Wade Barrett is Going to Get Kicked In the Junk by Triple During the Commercial Break. Tune into RAW Active Now! — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Match 07: Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett
The Best Part About This Wade Barrett v. Sheamus Match is Mark Henry On Commentary. — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Sheamus taunts Mark Henry then hits him with the Brogue Kick.
What is Sheamus’ problem?! All Mark Henry wanted was for Michael Cole to shut up so he could watch a competitive match. #ScumbagSheamus — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Wade Barrett setting up for The Bullhammer or as BBC America fans call it, “The Orphan Blackout.’ — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Sheamus hits Wade Barrett with the Brogue Kick.
Sheamus is a mad man with no moral compass. — Tracksuit Dracula (@TimWelcomed) May 7, 2013
Winner: Sheamus
Post-Match, Mark Henry attacks Sheamus then starts whipping Sheamus with a belt!
Mark Henry Is the Only Person I Want to See Beat People Up. Sheamus Is The Only Person I want to See Get Beaten Up. It Works Out. — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Mark Henry has a belt. JEEEEEEEEESUS. #RAW — D. O’Brien (@Heinekenrana) May 7, 2013
Mark Henry is Trying to Whip Some Color Into Sheamus! — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Having flashbacks. Stahp mark! — Powerline (@Osito1034) May 7, 2013
This is just… wrong. — Melisandre Baratheon (@RitaHepburn) May 7, 2013
MARK HENRY SHOULD BE MIC’D AT ALL TIMES!! — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Next week Mark Henry is going to break out the Shoes and Hangers on Sheamus. #wwe#raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
Mark Henry whups the bad people. That’s what he do! #raw — Arya Stark (@prettyheartless) May 7, 2013
Everything that Mark Henry has said tonight has been gold. #WWE#Raw — DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) May 7, 2013
Mark Henry’s channeling Black Parents all over the world: When someone mouths off to you, you beat em with a belt. — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
Mark Henry takes Sheamus out with the World’s Strongest Slam, taunting him the entire time.
YOU GON BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR NOW! — Powerline (@Osito1034) May 7, 2013
Well thats what Sheamus gets for acting like a terrible teenager. — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
And THAT Is Why Mark Henry’s Kids Are the Most Behaved Kids In The World. — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Match 08: Ryback vs. Kane
*Kane comes out looking mean and scary. Shot of two people happily clapping for him* Oh, Kane…Ryback may be right about you being scary — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
It’s Weird. Kane and The Ryback Should Be The Best of Friends. One Loves Meat, The Other Loves Fire. That’s TeamBBQ Right There! — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Kane took out Skip Sheffield, surely he can take out Ryback. — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Can someone give me the over under guess on how many shoulder shrugs Ryback does in a day? #feedmemore — Katie Linendoll (@KatieLinendoll) May 7, 2013
Ryback lifts Kane from the top rope then drops him with The Shell Shock.
Uh-Oh. The Ryback Has Become Sentient. He Figured Out How to Lift Up Kane. — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Winner: Ryback
Well that was…anti-climactic. #WWE#Raw — DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) May 7, 2013
Post-Match, The Shield’s theme plays and they come down to ringside.
RUN KANE! RUN! — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
Daniel Bryan runs down to the ring to save Kane as Ryback walks out and sits on a chair.
Yeah, you better get the hell out of the ring when Bryan runs in, Ryback. #WWE#Raw — DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) May 7, 2013
To Be Fair, The Ryback’s “Shield Beatdown Card is Pretty Full. One More and He Gets a Free Subway Sandwich or Something. — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
John Cena runs in for the save.
*John Cena and Daniel Bryan stand tall in the ring. Brie and Nikki Bella mark out backstage* — Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) May 7, 2013
This is the least Cena could do for Bryan after swiping YES! and NO! #WWE#Raw — DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) May 7, 2013
Ryback clears The Shield out of the ring with the chair then hits John Cena with it.
Chairs are for Sitting, The Ryback! Sitting. — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
Ryback stands over a fallen John Cena.
Ryback is getting the hang of this heel thing. #wwe#raw — Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) May 7, 2013
Everyone is attacking each other tonight. They must all be on their man periods. #RAW — Stacey Heisenbert (@LittleSherbie) May 7, 2013
So That Happened:
That Raw was just okay. — Tracksuit Dracula (@TimWelcomed) May 7, 2013
There were some good moments, but overall it wasn’t that great. — Max Hunter (@KickStunner) May 7, 2013
If You Take Anything Away From RAW, It’s This: Mark Henry + Leather Strap = SCARIEST THING ALIVE. #SomebodyGotTheirAssedWhipped — ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) May 7, 2013
In Snapshots, Three Man Booth searches for images to share.
At ThreeManBooth, we like to educate as well as entertain. Cinco De Mayo is not a celebration of Mexico’s independence. It is, however, a celebration of the Mexico’s victory over the French Army at the Battle of Puebla. The victory was a large boost in the morale of Mexico, as the French Army was larger and better equipped at the time. This certainly is not the only place we’ve seen an underdog persevere in Mexico’s history:
Mexico’s grand tradition of Lucha Libre (Wrestling) has been filled with Luchadors (Masked Warriors, if will) overcoming odds to be victory in their Matches (Battles). What does all this mean for you? That means if you plan on celebrating Cinco de Mayo with copious Libations (Drinks), you still can. Just put on a wrestling mask before you do.
Three Man Booth 