So That Happened: 05/06/13

RAW starts off with John Cena.

John Cena says it was a week of unrest and questions so right now he’s going to answer those questions using the playbook of Ancient Chinese Philospher Daniel Bryan: Master Of The Iron Arts. Cena imitates Bryan’s “YES!” and says competing last week was not good for his heel. “NO!” it won’t stop him from defending his WWE Championship against Ryback at Extreme Rules. “YES!” Cena was confused about Ryback’s intentions after Ryback “gazed into his eyes” from the ramp last week. “YES!” Cena thinks Ryback is ready to DTF. “YES!” DTF stands for “Do The Fandango.” ”NO!” That picture of Cena, Betty White and the spatula is photoshopped. And “YES!” Cena does it but only when he’s alone and nobody is watching.

After a series of unfunny jokes, John Cena says that he is not a doctor; he is a WWE Superstar and current WWE Champion. Cena goes on to say as long as he’s WWE Champion, it’s his job to get in the ring and defend his championship. Cena claims he hasn’t been 100% since 2002, but no amount of injury is going to stop him from facing Ryback at Extreme Rules and that Ryback will find out The Champ Is here.

John Cena is interrupted by Vickie Guerrero. Vickie Guerrero tells John Cena she’s excited that John Cena will be able to defend the title against Ryback at Extreme Rules. Vickie says this pay-per-view won’t be ordinary. It will be Extreme. Vickie runs down the confirmed matches then tells Cena that she expects his match to be Extreme. Vickie wants to make a match, but wants the opinions of both to the Champion and Challenger. Vickie introduces Ryback.

Vickie Guerrero allows John Cena to choose his stipulation first since he is the WWE Champion. Cena tells Ryback that he wants to be “fair” to him then suggests a match where the winner runs out of the ring like a girl. Cena suggests a Whine-Off like Ryback then imitates Ryback’s whining and liking the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes.”

John Cena says he doesn’t care what the match is and it could be a “Vickie Guerrero Granny Panties On A Poll Match.” Cena immediately changes his mind and says no man; woman or child should ever have to see that match. All Cena wants is a chance to fight and a chance to shut up the “World’s Largest Complainer.”

Vickie Guerrero tells Ryback that she did not appreciate him walking out last week and that he should be grateful that Cena is graciously allowing him to choose the stipulation. Ryback tells Cena that throwing away the chance to pick his stipulation at Extreme Rules was “Extremely Stupid.” Cena mocks Ryback’s brains, takes a step then says that if he takes another one, it’s going to hurt Ryback a lot more than it hurts him. Ryback refuses to fight Cena tonight saying he’s smart enough to walk away from the fight when the timing is wrong. Ryback points out the irony of Cena’s Achilles’ heel, literally being his Achilles’ heel, then says that Cena’s REAL Achilles’ heel is his pride and his ego.

Ryback says at Extreme Rules everyone will know “Ryback Rules” then chooses a Last Man Standing Match then leaves.

Match 01: Randy Orton vs. Damien Sandow

Damien Sandow does his own rendition of Randy Orton’s theme.


Winner: Randy Orton

Post-Match, Big Show knocks out Randy Orton.

Chris Jericho returns!

Chris Jericho welcomes us to “RAW is Jericho!” then says he knows Fandumbo is coming out next, so he decided to get a judges panel to critique the performance of Fandodge Durango, Fandimple, Fandingleberry, Fandang-blow, Fandoodle, Fan-GOIN TO A GO-GO! DON’T YOU WANNA GO! Jericho says you can’t be a judges panel by yourself so he scoured the locker room and found two Superstars that not only know how to kick butt, but know how to shake some bootay! Jericho brings out Tons of Funk.

Fandango comes out with the original Fandangirl!

Fandango gets poor rankings from the judges then asks Chris Jericho who he thinks he is to judge him. Fandango brings up Chris Jericho’s appearance on dances with the stars and says just because he failed, doesn’t make him an expert.

R-Truth comes out.

Match 02: Fandango vs. R-Truth

R-Truth does his stupid split and gets a 10, 10 and a 42.

Fandango walks out of the match.

Winner: R-Truth (via countout)

Backstage: Josh Mathews asks Daniel Bryan how he’s feeling after being attacked by The Shield. Bryan says he’s good but he’s fine. Bryan says The Shield likes to throw around the word Justice as a reason for their attacks, but they’re not fooling anyone. Bryan says to prove it he’s going to challenge The Ryback. Ryback walks up and tells Bryan that he’s going to tell him a word that he’s really familiar with “NO.” Ryback says even if Bryan was healthy, he’d destroy him again because Bryan is half the man he is.

Kane grabs Ryback and challenges him but Ryback says that Kane’s not the monster he used to be And that there’s room for only one monster. Ryback Rules. Then walks off.

Match 03: Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler

Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter come down to ringside.

Alberto Del Rio locks the Cross Armbreaker on Dolph Ziggler but AJ Lee gets on the ropes to distract the ref while Big E. Langston pulls Del Rio off of Ziggler. Langston throws Del Rio into Swagger.

Winner: Alberto Del Rio (via DQ) 

Post-Match, Jack Swagger attacks Big E. Langston from behind then Alberto Del Rio. Swagger pulls out a ladder and tries to attack Del Rio, but RicRod jumps on top of him. Swagger throws RicRod off then hits him with the ladder. Jack Swagger continues his attack by taking out Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler with the ladder.

Backstage: Kaitlyn and the Funkadactyls are going over strategy for their match against AJ Lee and The Bellas tonight until Katilyn’s text message tone goes off. Cameron and Naomi ask Kaitlyn about her secret admirer then call him a stalker. Kaitlyn says she thinks this guy gets him then Natalya walks up and asks who the secret admirer is.

Kaitlyn reads the text out loud. “Not every woman can squat 300 pounds, quote every Simpsons episode and still look hot in a little black dress. I choo-choo-choose you.” The Divas aren’t impressed, until Kaitlyn tells them that’s a Simpsons quote. They pretend to know what she’s talking about.

Natalya says she has an idea then bring The Great Khali into the situation. Natalya says they should get Khali to go undercover to see who the secret admirer is, but keep it a secret. Khali shushes then walks off. Kaitlyn questions this plan but Natalya says Khali used to be a police officer in India then walks off. Kaitlyn and The Funkadactyls walk off going over strategy. Shortly after, The Bellas peek from behind the curtain then high five each other.

Match 04: The Shield vs. Kofi Kingston and The Usos

Kofi Kingston gets offense but gets knocked off the ropes by Seth Rollins. Dean Ambrose hits the Snapmare Headlock.

Winners: The Shield

Match 05: Antonio Cesaro vs. Zack Ryder

Winner: Antonio Cesaro

Post-Match, Antonio Cesaro takes the mic and says he doesn’t always ask for the microphone but when he does it’s important. Cesaro calls out the lack of competition in the WWE then says he puts the W in WWE. Cesaro claims there is no one in NXT, Smackdown, Saturday Morning Slam or RAW that can hold a candle to what he can do in this ring.

Paul Heyman Speaks:

 Paul Heyman introduces himself then says he’s here on behalf of his client Brock Lesnar. Heyman tells the WWE Universe that he and Brock decided to take a tour of the WWE Offices today, but rather than tell everyone, he’s going to show everyone.

Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman walk into the offices.

Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman get into the elevator.

Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman walk into Triple H’s office. Someone tries to stop Brock Lesnar but Lesnar knocks him down and yells at him.

Brock Lesnar starts to destroy Triple H’s office with a sledgehammer.

The video ends then Paul Heyman says he has to know a little bit about Extreme, which is why it’s ironic that he has to be the voice of reason when it comes to Brock Lesnar. Heyman says he’s the one that always has to plead with Brock Lesnar not to do anything drastic. Heyman brings up Triple H Pedigreeing him a few weeks ago and because of that, he’s going to start encouraging Brock Lesnar instead of discouraging him. Heyman claims he’s going to plead with Lesnar to destroy Triple H, and take Triple H to the extreme, then go further and further and further and further and further and further and further-, Heyman gets knocked out of his further loop when Triple H’s theme plays.

Triple H makes a joke about Paul Heyman’s hair then asks him if he ever opens his mouth without a bunch of crap coming out of it. Triple H calls Paul Heyman out on going Extreme then says he knows a little something about Extreme. Triple H says he was one of the founding fathers of D-Generation X, tore through the Attitude Era and knocked out Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania.

Paul Heyman tries to speak but gets told to shut up. Triple H says Paul Heyman can destroy his office and terrorize his co-workers but he doesn’t care. Triple H says he has another office and that’s the ring. Triple H tells Heyman that if Brock Lesnar has a problem he can step into the ring office. And unfortunately for Brock, Triple H fights back in this office.

Match 06: AJ Lee and The Bella Twins vs. Kaitlyn and The Funkadacytls

Michael Cole decides to plug Rock-Pocalypse.

AJ Lee goes for the tag but The Bellas walk out on her. Kaitlyn hits the spear on AJ.

Winner: Kaitlyn

The Bellas taunt everyone in the ring calling them losers.

Mark Henry calls out Sheamus:

Mark Henry says in a couple of minutes Sheamus is going to come out here acting real tough, beating his chest and doing the Celtic Pose, but that’s where the problem is because Sheamus will be acting. Henry says he doesn’t have to act tough because he is tough. Henry gets ready to show the footage of him attacking Sheamus from a few weeks ago but gets stopped by “WHAT” chants. Henry mock the What Chants, calls the crowd puppets then shows the footage.

Mark Henry demands a close-up then says if Sheamus has any pride in his pasty body, he’ll face Henry at Extreme Rules. Henry says it’s been a long time since he got extreme, but he promises Sheamus that people will remember this match for the rest of existence. Henry almost continues but he’s interrupted by Sheamus’ music.

Sheamus comes out and says Mark Henry left half the video out. Sheamus says everyone’s seen what he does, but let’s see what he can do. Sheamus shows his version of the video.

Mark Henry tells Sheamus that he’s full of jokes, but he better be serious about their Extreme Rules match. Sheamus says he’s a relaxed fella but when the bell rings, he’s all about business. Sheamus says at Extreme Rules, his business is Mark Henry. Mark Henry calls Sheamus out saying they don’t have to wait until Extreme Rules to face each other. Sheamus agrees, but gets interrupt by Wade Barrett, Sheamus’ scheduled opponent.

Match 07: Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett

Sheamus taunts Mark Henry then hits him with the Brogue Kick.

Sheamus hits Wade Barrett with the Brogue Kick.

Winner: Sheamus

Post-Match, Mark Henry attacks Sheamus then starts whipping Sheamus with a belt!

Mark Henry takes Sheamus out with the World’s Strongest Slam, taunting him the entire time.

Match 08: Ryback vs. Kane

Ryback lifts Kane from the top rope then drops him with The Shell Shock.

Winner: Ryback

Post-Match, The Shield’s theme plays and they come down to ringside.

Daniel Bryan runs down to the ring to save Kane as Ryback walks out and sits on a chair.

John Cena runs in for the save.

Ryback clears The Shield out of the ring with the chair then hits John Cena with it.

Ryback stands over a fallen John Cena.

So That Happened:

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