Everyone in the WWE Universe is trying to figure out who the Secret Admirer of Kaitlyn is. So far, we know 2 things: The Admirer sent Kaitlyn a leather hat covered in spikes. The Admirer texted Kaitlyn an odd poem, including with a “Choo-Choo-Choose You” reference probably learned from our RAW Recaps. But maybe that Simpsons reference was not just an indicator of great television tastes; what if Kaitlyn’s Anonymous General Manager Suitor is actually a resident of Springfield, USA?
We came up with the five best possible guesses for who could be Kaitlyn’s Animated Suitor.
We all saw how much Ralph loves that Choo-Choo-Choose Pun when he received that card in “I Love Lisa.” In fact, Ralph’s entire understanding of relationships is through puns. Breakups are just “Let’s Bee Friends” moments. So when Ralph finds a new love interest, of course he would go back to that phrase. Also, let’s not forget that Ralph has ambition. As the son of the Chief of Police he is already in a sweet spot to control over Springfield’s loose authority figures. And! Ralph Wiggum is a former Presidential Candidate:
Pick a Winner, Kaitlyn (more puns!). You could do worse, like Milhouse’s Dad.
4. Kirk Van Houten
|Courtesy of Simpsons Wikia|
See?!? Can he borrow a feeling? No, seriously, can he? The sad sack of Evergreen Terrace needs a win and being the paramour of Kaitlyn would finally give Kirk the advantage in his relationship with Luann. “Kaitlyn doesn’t need to draw on her eyebrows! Kaitlyn likes my race car bed!” Yes, Kirk and Luann reunited and remarried in “Little Orphan Millie” but ever since Luann dated Pyro (and allegedly Gyro), Kirk has never been able to let it go. It would be a pity relationship but that’s the best Kirk can hope for.
3. Comic Book Guy
|Courtesy of Simpsons Wiki|
Comic Book Guy would pair well with the WWE Divas Champion’s quirky personality. He would get all of her Simpsons references since he’s probably the only person in town who knows them all. He probably has the inside track on all mustache related merchandise. Kaitlyn, being wrestling’s only hybrid Diva, is the perfect collectible for Comic Book Guy: she’s the ultimate limited edition. Like most WWE Superstars, CBG has two names: his proper name, Jeff Albertson, was only revealed after 16 Seasons in “Homer and Ned’s Hail Mary Pass” and even then it was only a passing comment.
2. Zapp Brannigan
|Courtesy of Futurama Wiki|
Okay, heare us out. We’re taking a page from Patton Oswald’s Parks and Rec appearance on this one.
Futurama, like The Simpsons, was created by Matt Groening. And both shows reference each other constantly. And what does the show of the Future have in it? Time Travel! Maybe Zap Brannigan gets tired of Leela’s rejection and decides to check the history books for an smart, sexy, powerful woman to rival her… but, you know, with two eyes. So he finds the Hybrid Diva* and tests the Professor’s time travel device with a leather spiky present. Sound familiar? Who knows? Maybe what we all thought was a leather hat is really some device Zapp picked up in the Snu Snu caves. He’s freaky like that.**
*The portal to the WWE’s Universe was opened when Bret Hart appeared on “The Old Man and The Lisa.”
**Before you go all CBG with “Worst. Episode. Ever,” remember:
- Neither show is above a crossover and a Simpsons/Futurama crossover is a lot better for the WWE than Pacific Blue.
- Yes, we ALL feel dirty afterwards. Just take a shower.
1. AJ Lee
|Courtesy of Simpsons Wiki|