I Have ‘Til 5: Five Simpsons Suitors For Kaitlyn

 In I Have ’til 5, 3MB will Pick a Topic and Discuss the 5 Finer Points of it

Everyone in the WWE Universe is trying to figure out who the Secret Admirer of Kaitlyn is. So far, we know 2 things: The Admirer sent Kaitlyn a leather hat covered in spikes. The Admirer texted Kaitlyn an odd poem, including with a “Choo-Choo-Choose You” reference probably learned from our RAW Recaps. But maybe that Simpsons reference was not just an indicator of great television tastes; what if Kaitlyn’s Anonymous General Manager Suitor is actually a resident of Springfield, USA?

We came up with the five best possible guesses for who could be Kaitlyn’s Animated Suitor.

5. Ralph Wiggum

We all saw how much Ralph loves that Choo-Choo-Choose Pun when he received that card in “I Love Lisa.” In fact, Ralph’s entire understanding of relationships is through puns. Breakups are just “Let’s Bee Friends” moments. So when Ralph finds a new love interest, of course he would go back to that phrase. Also, let’s not forget that Ralph has ambition. As the son of the Chief of Police he is already in a sweet spot to control over Springfield’s loose authority figures. And! Ralph Wiggum is a former Presidential Candidate:

Pick a Winner, Kaitlyn (more puns!). You could do worse, like Milhouse’s Dad.

4. Kirk Van Houten

Courtesy of Simpsons Wikia

See?!? Can he borrow a feeling? No, seriously, can he? The sad sack of Evergreen Terrace needs a win and being the paramour of Kaitlyn would finally give Kirk the advantage in his relationship with Luann. “Kaitlyn doesn’t need to draw on her eyebrows! Kaitlyn likes my race car bed!” Yes, Kirk and Luann reunited and remarried in “Little Orphan Millie” but ever since Luann dated Pyro (and allegedly Gyro), Kirk has never been able to let it go. It would be a pity relationship but that’s the best Kirk can hope for.

3. Comic Book Guy

Courtesy of Simpsons Wiki

Comic Book Guy would pair well with the WWE Divas Champion’s quirky personality. He would get all of her Simpsons references since he’s probably the only person in town who knows them all. He probably has the inside track on all mustache related merchandise. Kaitlyn, being wrestling’s only hybrid Diva, is the perfect collectible for Comic Book Guy: she’s the ultimate limited edition. Like most WWE Superstars, CBG has two names: his proper name, Jeff Albertson, was only revealed after 16 Seasons in “Homer and Ned’s Hail Mary Pass” and even then it was only a passing comment.

2. Zapp Brannigan

Courtesy of Futurama Wiki

Okay, heare us out. We’re taking a page from Patton Oswald’s Parks and Rec appearance on this one.

Futurama, like The Simpsons, was created by Matt Groening. And both shows reference each other constantly. And what does the show of the Future have in it? Time Travel! Maybe Zap Brannigan gets tired of Leela’s rejection and decides to check the history books for an smart, sexy, powerful woman to rival her… but, you know, with two eyes. So he finds the Hybrid Diva* and tests the Professor’s time travel device with a leather spiky present. Sound familiar? Who knows? Maybe what we all thought was a leather hat is really some device Zapp picked up in the Snu Snu caves. He’s freaky like that.**

*The portal to the WWE’s Universe was opened when Bret Hart appeared on “The Old Man and The Lisa.”

**Before you go all CBG with “Worst. Episode. Ever,” remember:

  • Neither show is above a crossover and a Simpsons/Futurama crossover is a lot better for the WWE than Pacific Blue.
  • Yes, we ALL feel dirty afterwards. Just take a shower.

1. AJ Lee

1. AJ’s the most animated person in the WWE! Why wouldn’t she be Kaitlyn’s paramour? As Kaitlyn’s former best friend, this one half of the Chickbusters would definitely know all of Kaitlyn’s favorite things. Why wouldn’t she use them to her advantage? She’s delightfully evil like Mr. Burns and this could all be AJ’s plan to distract Kaitlyn before their title match so AJ can become the new Divas champion. You can just picture her curling her fingers now, cackling “Excellent,” can’t you? (You’re also probably picturing Big E. Langston as Smithers … same haircut). But AJ is less Monty Burns and more Jessica Lovejoy: she just wants attention and her best friend back.
And, if none of these suitors work for Kaitlyn, there’s always Moe.
Courtesy of Simpsons Wiki
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1 Response to I Have ‘Til 5: Five Simpsons Suitors For Kaitlyn

  1. Pingback: Nation Of Animation: Memories Of A Hybrid-Diva | Three Man Booth

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