So That Happened: (01/28/13)

RAW begins with Vickie Guerrero introducing RAW Roulette tonight, saying that there are three different wheels tonight: Superstars, Stipulations and the Vickie Vegas Challenge.

CM Punk comes out pushing cameramen, ripping up signs, yelling at the crowd and time keeper

CM Punk claims he didn’t lose, the WWE Universe for supporting a cheaters like The Rock and Mr, McMahon. Punk says he was a real champion who was screwed worse than Bret Hart. Punk dubs the incident “The Phoenix Screwjob”

CM Punk says in his world there are no restarts and water breaks, so he’s the People’s Champion. Punk says he plans to crash The Rock’s party tonight, but Mr. McMahon’s theme comes out. McMahon says he received an anonymous video that proves that CM Punk has been involved with Brad “Heartthrob Ref” Maddox and The Shield. Paul Heyman tries to smooth things over, but McMahon Heyman that tonight he’ll have a “Personal Performance Review” which may result in Heyman’s termination.

Match 01: Antonio Cesaro vs. Randy Orton (With Special Guest Referee)

Special Guest Referee Is….The Miz!

Antonio Cesaro hits a Flying Uppercut on Randy Orton, but only gets a 2 Count.

The Miz and Antonio Cesaro get into an argument, allowing Randy Orton to hit the RKO on Cesaro.

Winner: Randy Orton

Post-Match, The Miz helps Antonio Cesaro up then drops him with the Skull Crushing Finale.

Backstage: Ryback has to participate in the “Make Me Laugh” challenge.

Match 02: Ryback vs. The Prime Time Players (Make Me Laugh Challenge)

Matt Striker hosts this challenge. The Prime Time Players joke falls flat.

Ryback’s joke: “What has four eyes, 20 fingers and is about to be unconscious?” Rather than finish the punch line, he attacks the Prime Time Players.

Winner: Ryback

Post-match, Matt Striker gets attacked for his efforts.

Backstage: RAW Roulette lands on Player’s Choice. Wade Barrett chooses Bo Dallas as his opponent

Match 03: Wade Barrett vs. Bo Dallas

Winner: Bo Dallas

Backstage: Cody Rhodes spins the wheel and has to face John Cena.

WWE shows a tale of the tape for John Cena vs. Fred Flintstone.

Match 04: Cody Rhodes vs. John Cena

Cody Rhodes leaves the ring, takes the mic and says “This Is A Waste Of Cody Rhodes.” Cody Rhodes tries to leave, but John Cena drags him back in the ring and finishes the job.

Winner: John Cena

John Cena grabs the mic and talks about the Royal Rumble. Cena says throwing Ryback over the top rope was an enormous step, but only the first step. Cena says the next step is to issue a challenge to the champion of their choosing at Wrestlemania.

John Cena says the choice is difficult for him because, WHC aside, the WWE Championship will be held by either CM Punk or The Rock, two men Cena hasn’t beaten.

John Cena says he has a better chance of winning if he faces the World Heavyweight Champion.

Rob does not watch wrestling. He just felt like chiming in. Check out his blog but please finish reading our recap first!

John Cena decides to face the WWE Champion at Wrestlemania.

John Cena calls CM Punk and The Rock marked men then says they’re all on the Road on to Wrestlemania. As Cena continues to talk, The Shield’s music hits and they attack John Cena.

Sheamus tries to help John Cena, but The Shield attacks him too. Ryback is next, but he gets tossed face first into the ringsteps.

Sheamus and John Cena get attacked more, then The Shield Triple Powerbombs Cena.

Backstage: The RAW Roulette lands on Lingere Pillow Fight…for Brodus Clay vs. Tensai!

Tensai refuses to do the match and storms off. Vickie Guerrero doesn’t want to do the match since Mr. McMahon is doing performance reviews. Brodus spins the wheel again and gets a “Dance-Off.” Brodus tells Vickie Guerrero that he’ll tell Tensai about the change.

Match 05: Brodus Clay vs. Tensai (Dance Off)

Jerry Lawler tries to introduce Tensai (Who’s wearing a robe), but Tensai just wants to get this over with. Tensai de-robes and reveals he’s wearing Lingerie. Lawler tells Tensai that the match was changed to a Dance Off.

Jerry Lawler explains the rules of the Dance Off then Brodus dances with the Funkadactyls.

Tensai is up next but he refuses to do it. Jerry Lawler and Brodus Clay convince Tensai to go through with it and Tensai begins to dance.

Tensai dances until Ron Simmons appears on the titantron and “DAMNs” him for his troubles. Tensai walks out embarrassed.

Winner: Ron Simmons

Backstage: Alberto Del Rio gets the Bodysslam Challenge against The Big Show

Match 06: Alberto Del Rio vs. Big Show (Bodyslam Challenge)

Big Show comes out, attacks RicRod and Del Rio, then duct tapes Del Rio’s hands to the ropes.

Big Show destroys RicRod as Alberto Del Rio is forced to watch.

Big Show turns his attention back to Del Rio and knocks him out.

Winner: No Contest 

Match 07: Kaitlyn vs. Tamina (Las Vegas Show Girls Lumberjills Match)

Kaitlyn gets knocked outside and she gets attacked by Alicia Fox and Aksana.

Kaitlyn gets back into the ring but the Divas enter the ring and have a catfight birdfight.

Winner: No Contest (Again)

The Rock’s Championship Celebration:

The Rock says there’s only one word that describes the spirit of tonight and his entire journey and that word is “FINALLY.” The Rock talks about his previous WWE Championship reigns then mentions that this moment tonight is the proudest moment of his career.

The Rock says he’s thanked his friends and family, but it’s the people’s turn. Rock talks about all of the bad things CM Punk said about the people but mentions that and how Punk said they were nothing, CM Punk’s reign as WWE Championship is over. Rock says that CM Punk’s no longer going to come out here looking like a Straight Edged Tattooed Freak. Rock also makes a comment about Paul Heyman’s “Twinkie Tits.”

The Rock says that tonight we usher in a new era: The People’s Era. Rock goes on a tangent but CM Punk comes out to interrupt him. Punk claims that the WWE Championship was handed to him like everything else in Rock’s spoon fed life. The crowd chants “You Suck,” but CM Punk fires back at them saying that in 20 years, everyone is going to be calling Punk a genius.

CM Punk says he earned the WWE Championship and made it prestigious and that if Rock had any respect for himself and his family, he would hand the title back to CM Punk, congratulate him, then apologize. Rock countered back by saying if Punk had any ounce of manhood, Punk would come take it. Rock calls Punk a “Punk Ass Bitch” and Punk walks down the ramp.

CM Punk gets closer but says he’s going to stand on the stage like a “Punk Ass Bitch” because it’s cool to swear and because he doesn’t do things on The Rock’s terms. Punk says he’ll face Rock on his terms, and after running down his schedule, Punk chooses the Elimination Chamber to face him. Rock says that he accepts the rematch, tells Punk instead of him taking the WWE Championship away, the “Punk Ass Bitch” taking is a foot up the ass.

Match 08: Sheamus vs. Damien Sandow (Tables Match)

And that’s exactly what happens. Sheamus, with one bad arm, ends up putting Damien Sandow through the table with White Noise.

Winner: Sheamus

Match 09: The Great Khali vs. Zack Ryder (Karaoke Contest)

The Great Khali goes first and he has to sing HBK’s theme “Sexy Boy.”

3MB’s Theme plays and they interrupt the Karaoke contest. Drew McIntyre makes a Guns And Roses reference, but then the trio gets beaten up by Khali and Ryder.

“Y2J” Chris Jericho returns to RAW!

A loud “Y2J” chant breaks out. Chris Jericho welcomes us to “RAW IS JERICHO” then mentions his time in the Royal Rumble. Jericho calls it one of the greatest moments of his career, and it is something that he will never…EEEEEEVERRRRRRRRRRRRR forget A-GAIN!

Dolph Ziggler’s theme plays as Ziggler, AJ and Langston come out to interrupt Y2J. Big E. Langston is lacking kneepads and is wearing a tighter singlet.

Dolph Ziggler reminds Chris Jericho that he eliminated him at the Royal Rumble then tells Y2J that he was fired so he doesn’t work here any more. AJ chimes in that she’s the reason Jericho’s not here and she’s the one who got Y2J perminately terminated from WWE.

Chris Jericho mocks AJ Lee by telling Dolph Ziggler to put a leash on his crazy little doggy before she pees in the ring. Big E. Langston interjects, but Jericho mocks Big E. Langston’s name then says the E. stands for Big E’s bra size. Jericho says Big E. has pecks so large that he could put a drink on those things.

Dolph Ziggler tries to get Chris Jericho to leave, but Vickie Guerrero appears on the titantron and reveals that she rehired Chris Jericho, then makes a Strange Bedfellows match: Chris Jericho and Dolph Ziggler vs. Team Hell No

Match 10: Chris Jericho and Dolph Ziggler vs. Team Hell No

Daniel Bryan and Kane end up arguing. Jericho slaps Kane on the back then tags Dolph Ziggler in. Kane assumes Ziggler did it.

Kane chokeslams Ziggler for the win.

Winners: Team Hell No

Post-Match, Daniel Bryan and Kane get into an argument

The Third Inductee of the 2013 WWE Hall Of Fame is…

Paul Heyman’s Personal Performance Evaluation: 

Mr. McMahon is already in the ring. McMahon calls out Paul Heyman. Heyman and McMahon reluctantly shake hands, but then Vince uses hand sanitizer.

Mr. McMahon asks Paul Heyman if he’s ever had The Shield and/or Brad “Heartthrob Ref” Maddox under contract. Heyman sucks up to McMahon then says No. McMahon asks Heyman if he’s ever lied in his life. Heyman responds with an anecdote from Vince McMahon Sr. then admits that he’s lied every single day of his life because he’s a promoter, but then swears to Mr. McMahon that he is not lying right now.

Mr. McMahon asks Paul Heyman if he’s an honorable man. Heyman says he’s not sure but he’s trying and maybe McMahon can teach him to be an honorable man. McMahon asks the WWE Universe if Heyman has an honorable face and the WWE Universe says no.

Mr. McMahon shows the footage of Brad “Heartthrob Ref” Maddox and Paul Heyman. It is revealed that Paul Heyman is behind The Shield and HTR. Also in the video, The Shield attacks Heartthrob Ref and Dustin The Cameraman.

Paul Heyman says that the person in that video wasn’t him. Heyman claims it was an impersonator imitating his thick, Jewish, New York accent. Mr. McMahon asks if that was Brad Maddox and The Shield, Heyman says it was them, but that was not him.

Mr. McMahon gets ready to fire Paul Heyman, but then Brock Lesnar’s theme plays!

Paul Heyman tells Brock Lesnar that he has this under control, but Brock Lesnar makes Paul Heyman stand in a corner. Brock Lesnar gets in Mr. McMahon’s face, but McMahon doesn’t back down. McMahon tells Lesnar that if he were Lesnar, he wouldn’t do something he would regret later on. Lesnar doesn’t back down as Paul Heyman pleads for Mr. McMahon to leave the ring.

Brock Lesnar hits the F-5 on Mr. McMahon as Paul Heyman flips out!

RAW ends with Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman leaving the ring and Mr. McMahon laid out in the ring.

So That Happened:

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