So That Happened (01/07/13)

A Rock Return Promo:

RAW Begins with The Rock!!!…’s opponent from last year, John Cena.

John Cena comes out and hypes tonight’s show, making note of The Ryback/CM Punk TLC Match, then welcomes back The Rock by using several of his cathphrases. then makes puns using the Rock’s catchphrases.

John Cena starts to hype the Royal Rumble and Wrestlemania until he’s interrupted by Dolph Ziggler, AJ Lee and Big E. Langston. Ziggler says that people may have come to see Rock and Cena, but they’re gonna remember Dolph Ziggler. AJ Lee takes the mic and trashes John Cena for mocking her and “Ziggy” and breaking her heart. AJ says she can’t believe to lose her job over someone like Cena and called him a “small man. A Very Small Man.”

John Cena congratulates AJ Lee on her “first 6th Grade Weiner joke” then celebrates by getting a wave from the WWE Universe by screaming “Wave For The Weiner Jokes!”

John Cena tries to make another wiener joke, but Dolph Ziggler cuts him off and mocks him about joking About his opponents. Dolph Ziggler tells Cena that he officially enters the Royal Rumble and he’s going to make sure John Cena doesn’t win the match. John Cena says he’d have it no other way then teases another poop joke. Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee back up but Big E. Langston remains in his spot.

John Cena mentions that he wouldn’t do that again and that Dolph and AJ Lee are acting crazy. Cena makes a joke about AJ Lee’s craziness rubbing off on Dolph Ziggler and Big E, then proceeds to make a “rubbing off” joke.

John Cena challenges Dolph Ziggler to a match, but Ziggler refuses. Big E Langston grabs the mic, says he “got the mic now.” Big E. Langston accepts the match for Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee!

Match 01: John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler

AJ Lee distracts #HardbodyRef then Big E. Langston cheapshots Cena.

Dolph Ziggler hits multiple elbows on John Cena.

John Cena gets the Five Moves of Doom Countered.

John Cena catches Dolph Ziggler in mid-air then sets up for the AA!

Dolph Ziggler ends up countering John Cena!

Dolph Ziggler lands on his feet then hits Cena with a Superkick! #HardbodyRef drops the ball again.

Dolph Ziggler continues to hit John Cena with everything, but only gets a two count.

John Cena’ shoe falls off during the match.

Big E. Langston interferes again while the ref is down and takes Cena out.

Of course, John Cena ends up kicking out, hitting the AA and winning the match.

Winner: John Cena

Match 02: The Handsome Eve Torres vs. Kaitlyn

The Handsome Eve Torres keeps untying Kaitlyn’s shoes to distract her.

The Handsome Eve Torres runs out of the ring and escapes through the crowd with her title.

Winner: Kaitlyn (via Count Out)

Backstage: Santino Marella and Ricky Steamboat are talking. Wade Barrett interrupts then mocks them.

Ricky Steamboat tells Santino Marella that he’ll be in Santino’s corner for his match against Wade Barrett tonight.

Backstage: Matt Striker asks Randy Orton about Sheamus being in the Royal Rumble. Orton mentions he won the Rumble once but is interrupted by The Three Man Band, who announce they’ll also be in the Rumble!

Randy Orton challenges a member of 3MB to a match. Heath Slater mentions Orton can have Jinder Mahal, lead guitar, Drew McIntyre, lead bass, or Heath Slater, lead frontman. Orton pics Slater then tells him after the match, he won’t be playing the air guitar. He’ll be playing the harp.

Match 03: Team Hell No vs. Team Rhodes Scholars

Kane appears to have a new wig!

Daniel Bryan’s new nickname is mentioned by Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

Courtesy of machozilla

Damien Sandow’s new nickname, the “Lord of Literacy” is also mentioned by the commentators.

Daniel Bryan tweaks his knee. Team Rhodes Scholars take advantage of this and win the match.

Winners: Team Rhodes Scholars

Match 04: Randy Orton vs. Heath Slater

Winner: Randy Orton

Post-match, 3MB tries to attack Randy Orton, but he takes all 3 members out with RKOs.

Match 05: Wade Barrett vs. Santino Marella (W/ Ricky Steamboat)

Santino Marella pulls out a Superkick!

30 seconds later…

Winner: Wade Barrett

Post-match, Ricky Steamboat checks on Santino Marella. Barrett walks over and tries to intimidate him, but Ricky Steamboat refuses to back down.

Backstage: Matt Striker talks to Sheamus about him winning the Royal Rumble then going to Wrestlemania to win the World Heavyweight Championship in 18 Seconds. Striker asks if Sheamus can do it again, and Sheamus doubts it. Sheamus makes a joke about winning the Rumble and Championship, but maybe not in 18 seconds.

Sheamus sees 3MB (3MBieber in his words.) and rather than help them out, he mocks them about their singing abilities and challenges them to a match, even though they were just attacked.

Sheamus says after the match, they can all sing “Danny Boy” together then starts singing.

Match 06: Antonio Cesaro vs. The Great Khali (w/ The Miz on commentary)

The Miz mocks his Dad on commentary in an attempt to make a point about Antonio Cesaro lecturing Americans.

Antonio Cesaro hits the European Uppercut on Khali again!

Courtesy of daaaamien

Antonio Cesaro hits the Neutralizer on The Great Khali again!

Courtesy of beautifulbryan

Winner: Antonio Cesaro

Backstage: Paul Heyman is on the phone until #HeartthrobRef interrupts. Heyman tells HTR that he doesn’t want HTR in his life. HTR says he can be of use to Paul Heyman and CM Punk tonight since he has his referee shirt, and was going to suggest that he officiate the match between CM Punk and Ryback.

Paul Heyman denies #HeartthrobRef’s request then tells HTR to leave him alone.

Match 07: Sheamus vs. 3MB

Winner: Sheamus

The WWE Championship gets lowered….

Match 08: Ryback vs. CM Punk (TLC Match for the WWE Championship)

Courtesy of Rusty Shackles

Ryback manhandles CM Punk

Courtesy of mavoh

CM Punk uses the steps to Parkour Kick Ryback

Ryback tries to spear CM Punk through the table, but Punk moves.

Ryback throws CM Punk onto the ladder, breaking it completely.

Ryback is about to grab the WWE Championship, but the lights go out!

The lights turn on and The Shield is standing on the ladder.

The Shield attack Ryback then powerbomb him through the table again.

Winner: CM Punk

 Post-Match, CM Punk celebrates as Paul Heyman looks on proud.

Courtesy of zeer0space

CM Punk celebrates on the ladder with the WWE Championship in his mouth.

Did You Know: WWE releases it’s most followed WWE Superstars list…and someone gets snubbed.

Then Zack Ryder gets pissed…

Then Ryder starts to “Shoot.”

Then Ryder looks desperate…

Then it just gets sad…

And Sadder…

And Sadder…

Backstage: Matt Striker is about to talk but CM Punk interrupts him and claims Striker is about to ask about The Shield and Brad “#HeartthrobRef” Maddox. Punk says that he has nothing to do with them, then mentions The Rock’s big return tonight. Punk says before The Rock comes out to speak, he’s going to go out and talk first. CM Punk says it’s time to drop another Pipebobmb.

The promo was good, but Paul Heyman stole the scene with this face

Courtesy of jkwrestling

Backstage: Daniel Bryan and Kane argue about why they lost to Team Rhodes Scholars. Vickie Guerrero walks up and informs them that next weke, they will be having their four month re-evaluation with none other than, Dr. Shelby!

Daniel Bryan and Kane try to agree on what Dr. Shelby is. Kane thinks he’s a monster, while Daniel Bryan thinks he’s a nerd. Daniel Bryan and Kane go back and forth arguing, until Kane admits Shelby is a nerd. Daniel Bryan changes his mind and says Dr. Shelby is a monster and the argument continues.

Match 09: Big Show vs. Kofi Kingston

The referee stops Kofi Kingston from attacking Big Show in the corner, allowing Big Show to knock him out.

Winner, in 15 seconds: Big Show

CM Punk’s Pipebomb:

CM Punk takes the WWE Mic Flag off then addresses the past year and a half. CM Punk says no one understands what a Pipebomb is, and explains that it’s the truth and honest, which is what the WWE Universe lacks. Punk talks about the last year’s perception of him becoming the Voice of The Voiceless, then turning his back on the people. Punk said he meant everything he said last year except for Ice Cream, because the last thing the fans need is more ice cream.

CM Punk says that he could’ve left but instead he sold out, but what he really did was cash in. He created a persona that the fans would cheer for. Punk says it doesn’t matter if you’re the best wrestler, talker, commentator, but there’s a glass ceiling in the WWE. CM Punk says the more the WWE Universe cheer for every single superstar, the more the Superstar gets rewarded. Punk mentions Daniel Bryan spewing out catchphrases, Brodus Clay shuckin’ n jiving for the kids, and Little Jimmy getting more TV time than Tyson Kidd.

CM Punk calls us out for cheering exactly what he’s talking about and playing into his hands.

CM Punk says that the WWE is simple to digest because they can’t stomach anything complex or interesting. Punk says that it’s like the circus and the WWE Superstars are there to entertain the people, and no one is successful without the people. Until CM Punk arrived. CM Punk says he’s the most successful WWE Champion of all time, and if he was in Bruno Sammartino’s era, he would be champion for 30 years. CM Punk says he’s more successful than Hulk Hoan since Hogan never wrestled TLC Matches against guys like Ryback.

CM Punk says he mentions physically demanding matches week in and week out so 1 of his years = 30 years of Hogan/Sammartino’s. CM Punk says he wasn’t successful because of the people and it was all himself. CM Punk says there’s good guys and bad guys and that he is a bad bad man. Punk calls out superstars like Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels, Edge for claiming for doing it all for the adulation of the people, and calls them either weak or dishonest liars. CM Punk says he’s neither weak or dishonest. He’s The Best In The World.

CM Punk says there’s two types of people on Earth: Those born to be in the spotlight and those born to pay to see people in the spotlight. CM Punk says they’re born to pay to see champions like him and that he has never done this for any of you. While CM Punk mocks the WWE Universe, CM Punk is told to go to commercial break. Punk says that he goes to break when The Champ wants to go to break. CM Punk starts telling the WWE Universe that they don’t matter until he’s forced into commercial break.

RAW comes back form commercial with CM Punk trashing the audience. CM Punk says he stands in this ring on the first RAW of 2013 as WWE Champion and he will do the same in 2014. Punk mentions all the people who have failed to take the WWE Championship from him and that he refuses to let The Rock take everything he earned away from him. CM Punk says that when he beat Alberto Del Rio and the others, he beat the system and he beat each and each and every one of us.

CM Punk calls us all losers and says we do not get to win. He’s suddenly interrupted by The Rock!

The Rock and CM Punk have a staredown.

The Rock says he waited for CM Punk to finish so he knew what he had to deal with at the Royal Rumble. Rock realizes what kind of man CM Punk is: Delusional.

The Rock says CM Punk has been the WWE Champion for 414 days and that’s impressive, but real number CM Punk is obsessed with is 20, because in 20 days, The Rock will face CM Punk for the WWE Championship.

The Rock mentions that CM Punk didn’t reject the people. The People rejected CM Punk. The Rock mocks CM Punk for not even bringing back Ice Cream Bars then says he couldn’t provide ice cream if Dairy Queen, Carvel and Cookie Puss drove an ice cream truck straight up Punk’s ass.

The Rock defends the WWE Universe and says that CM Punk isn’t the Voice of The Voiceless because the WWE Universe uses their voice. Rock says that the people are going to use that voice to chant something that will haunt CM Punk for the rest of his life. The Rock proceeds to start a “Cookie Puss” chant.’

CM Punk mocks the WWE Universe for being puppets then mentions that Rock got them chanting for ice cream the same way he did. Punk says the people, just like The Rock, don’t get to win. The Rock says the people already won, when he woke up this morning then goes through his entire morning routine and works his way into a “FINALLY! THE ROCK! HAS COME BACK! TO TAMPA!”

The Rock says he’s back to entertain the people, to whip CM Punk and to win the WWE Championship. Rock says he’s watched every Monday Night RAW and all of CM Punk’s actions.

The Rock mentions that CM Punk claims to be straight edge, but he walks around looking like Popeye on Crack then proceeds to call him “Punk-eye the Crachead.”

The Rock says CM Punk has one of the most creative minds, but doesn’t use it. The Rock says once CM Punk became WWE Champion, he became the biggest jerk in the world. The Rock tells CM Punk as long as he’s here, don’t ever say that The People don’t matter because they always matter. The Rock says CM Punk’s the one that doesn’t matter. CM Punk says he matters, but The Rock cuts him off saying “IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT CM PUNK MATTERS!” The Rock says that there’s no way, and The Rock means no way, that CM Punk is going to stop The Rock from becoming WWE Champions.

CM Punk says he’s glad The Rock is back. He doesn’t care what The Rock’s schedule is, because he’ll still kick his ass. CM Punk says he doesn’t care how many movies The Rock films, when he comes back, he’ll kick his ass. Punk says Rock can talk about Punk’s t-shirt and his looks and do his tired schtick, but in 3 weeks time, CM Punk is going to kick his ass at the Royal Rumble. Punk tells The Rock his jabs and insults are kiddie games and at the Royal Rumble, when The Rock steps in the ring with Punk, his arms are too short to box with God…

The Rock says he knows how tough CM Punk is and that Punk knocked him out cold, but in 20 days, Punk will be going One-On-One with The Great One.

Note: This is a very good promo and all, but this is what happens when you pause the DVR in mid promo.

The Rock tells CM Punk for the next 20 days, he wants CM Punk to go home, look in the mirror and strip naked.

The Rock tells CM Punk to turn around and look at his backside and find a place that he does have tattoos, because he wants CM Punk to get more tattoos. Rock says he wants CM Punk to get a M & M, Snickers, and Milky Way,on his left buttcheek, but not an Almond Joy because those actually have nuts. The Rock tells CM Punk to get a tattoo of The Rock’s size 15 boot on his right buttcheek, so that he can have a permanent reminder of The Rock kicking his candy ass.

After that, The Rock hits CM Punk with the Rock Bottom.

The Rock and CM Punk stare down to end the show.

So That Happened:

So This Is Still Happening:

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