Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman address the WWE Universe.

I can’t hear Lesnar’s theme without envisioning that super fan dude doing the Brock Hippity Hop. #WWE #RAW
— WrestlingHipster (@WrestlingHipstr) August 21, 2012

Gif courtesy of ilovewrestlinggifs

Look at Brock Standing There with That Arm Breaking Grin on His Face …
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012 

Do not listen to Lawler. Lesnar vs Triple H did disappoint. #wwe #Raw
— Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) August 21, 2012

Paul Heyman calls referee Scott Armstrong to the ring.

See That? Scott ArmSTRONG! Just Try and Break it, Brock!
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Scott Armstrong deserves entrance music. #wwe #Raw
— Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) August 21, 2012

Paul Heyman declairs Brock Lesnar the King Of Kings.

Paul Heyman is The Master of Promos. Paul Heyman is The Master of Emphasis. PAUL HEYMAN is the MASTER of Repeating the Same Words Repeatedly
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Paul Heyman dubs Brock Lesnar the new “King Of Kings.” Triple H has to hand over the rights to the Motorhead theme & the Wrestlemania 22 Fur
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

I Think It’s Time for Brock Lesnar, Our New Lord and Master, to Meet Sid Vicious, The Master of the World. Good Gawd! Think of the Promos
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Match 01: Kofi Kingston/R-Truth/Sin Cara vs. Prime Time Players/Cody Rhodes

Kofi! Put those wrestling buddies down! R-Truth stole them off the back of a truck! The police are looking for him!
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

If Kofi Kingston Is Superman, The R-Truth is Bizarro Superman, Emphasis on the BIZARRE.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Kofi “Superman” Kingston teaming with R-Truth and Sin Cara. He’s forming the WORST Justice League ever.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

@donnybrookboys I’ve been saying this for months. I’d love it
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Cody Rhodes has nothing going on right now. His talents are being wasted. #wwe #Raw
— Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) August 21, 2012

I must know what Khloe thinks of the Primetime Players theme song.
— SunnyDewhite (@SunnyDewhite) August 21, 2012

Titus O’Neil’s Bark Sounds Like a Pound Puppy.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Man, all these dudes are going to get sucked into Sin Cara’s Vortex of Botch
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) August 21, 2012

Winners: Kofi Kingston, R-Truth and Sin Cara

Backstage: AJ Lee is talking with Matt Striker. David Otunga returns and tells AJ Lee she needs a legal consultant. He accidentally uses the word crazy so AJ punishes him by putting him in a match with an opponent of her choosing.

David Otunga returns, but his goatee has been released.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

David Otunga, Free Legal advice at LegalZoom.com . #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

Otunga should leave again.
— Bob Sacamano (@TimExiled) August 21, 2012

Match 02: Ryback vs. Not Stansky and Rosenberg

AW SHIT RYBACK IS HERE AND HE’S READY FOR DINNER
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) August 21, 2012

I wish they added this to the beginning of Ryback’s theme. It’s a much better Feed Me: youtube.com/watch?v=IZuKMo…
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

“Ryback Reads 2 Books At a Time” – Michael Cole. Cole, You Know The Ryback Confuses the Words Read and Eat a lot, Right?
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

2-3 books a month? Ryback must have got himself the “Diary of a wimpy kid” book-set. #Raw
— Jake Jones (@Batman_Infinite) August 21, 2012

Ryback is more RVD than goldberg, his eyes are always red. He’s the only one who still wears 1992 airbrushed stuff. #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

Jinder Mahal tries to attack Ryback but fails.

LOL, Jinder Mahal hit the bricks pretty quickly. #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

Winner: Ryback (via DQ)

Backstage: Chris Jericho is interrupted by Dolph Ziggler who demands a rematch. Jericho and Ziggler argue until AJ literally skips between them. AJ makes Dolph Ziggler vs. Chris Jericho tonight. If Ziggler loses, he gets the Money In The Bank briefcase. If Jericho loses, his contract with RAW is terminated.

Jericho is wearing the “CM Punk Tuxedo” #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

@keepitfivestar Man, GM”s must really not like Jericho’s contract….or his band Fozzy…..
— Randy Wilder (@InstantRandy) August 21, 2012

A better stip would have been if Jericho lost, he has to quit Fozzy.
— Tom (@TomQWood) August 21, 2012

Backstage: Alberto Del Rio walks to the ring. RicRod tries to hand him water but Del Rio flips out.

Damn. Del Rio doesn’t like water.
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) August 21, 2012

“What’s On Alberto Del Rio’s Mind?” – Michael Cole. Well, He Did Just Say AGUA 15 Times Just Now Cole. Way to Go, Investigative Journalist.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Alberto Del Rio demands to fight Sheamus for the title right now. As he rants, AJ Lee interrupts him.

AJ had a evil gnome put a spell on her that AJ thinks she’s in a perpetual game of SKIP-IT. #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

Instead of giving Del Rio Sheamus, AJ has a different opponent in mind for him.

Oh My God! The Puerto Rican AJ Lee just spoke Spanish! *In love*
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Match 03: Alberto Del Rio vs. Randy Orton

I Like the Idea that Randy Orton is the new Undertaker or KANE for General Managers. When It Doubt, Bring Orton Out. Or #BringBatemanOut.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Randy Orton and his Justin Bieber reactions. The new hit “As Long As You Push Me” is doing well on the charts.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Before the match starts, Sheamus comes out to the ring for no reason.

Sheamus, this CLEARLY doesn’t involve you! Go home! Go to the beach! Do something!
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

He’s such an antagonizer. He just bullies heels all day. #BeAStar
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) August 21, 2012

Hey Jerry, Remember When Sheamus Beat The Stuffing Out Of You? Think Of That The Next Time He Tells a Terrible Joke.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Doesn’t Sheamus have a shirt that says “Hooligan?”
— Bob Sacamano (@TimExiled) August 21, 2012

Sheamus talks about being poor and driving a mule and a cart.

Word? You have a mule and a cart, Sheamus? A mule and a cart. Shut up. You have a car. You’re Irish. NOT Huck Finn.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Sheamus is the best heel in the company. #wwe #Raw
— Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) August 21, 2012

 Sheamus distracts Del Rio causing Randy Orton to RKO. Del Rio’s foot is on the rope but Sheamus knocks it off.

Is how Sheamus acts supposed to be ‘cute?’
— Bob Sacamano (@TimExiled) August 21, 2012

@3manbooth I respect you, Bootherman.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Winner: Randy Orton

Sheamus has nothing to prove. He beat Del Rio twice. Now he’s just screwing him over. That’s not a champion. That’s a bully. #BeAStar
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Between Sheamus and Hornswoggle, The WWE is Perpetuating The Stereotype That Irish People LOVE to Fight … and Prank People.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

CM Punk will name his #1 contender for the WWE Championship tonight.

“@keepitfivestar: CM Punk is going to name Kurt Angle as the #1 contender. #CMPunkContenders“. FiveStar has been hacked.
— Mark Smith (@podjohnnyringo) August 21, 2012

CM Punk will name Chris Brown as his opponent. #CMPunkContenders
— Linda (@LMitch87) August 21, 2012

#CMPunkContenders Samoa Joe
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

#CMPunkContenders Stan Stansky #Raw
— Smark In Progress (@SmarkInProgress) August 21, 2012

#CMPunkConteders Max Moon (inspired by @keepitfivestar and many others)
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) August 21, 2012

Match 04: Brodus Clay vs Damien Sandow

#FreeBrodusClayFromCaptivity
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) August 21, 2012

I feel like the Funkadactyls comes out with less and less clothes everytime I see them. This is not a complaint.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

HALLEUJER! #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

Jerry Lawler: “Brodus! Hey Brodus!” Jerry, He’s Busy Right Now. He’s In a Match.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Lawler is a fuckin’ Schoolyard snitch. “AYE BRODUS, DID YOU HEAR WHAT MICAHEL CALLED YOU?!” #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

Winner: Damien Sandow

#VICTORYCARTWHEEL #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

Post-match, Brodus Clay attacks Damien Sandow.

Why are all the faces jerks tonight?
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

@3manbooth “You’re a tattletale!” – Michael Cole
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) August 21, 2012

Shawn Michaels’ emotional message to Triple H:

“What are you feeling right now?” – Michael Cole”What am I feeling? My BROKEN ARM! What do you think?!” – HBK
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Why does HBK have to speak on behalf of HHH? I’ve never known HHH to turn down 20 minutes on the microphone.
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) August 21, 2012

Shawn Michaels sounds like he’s comparing the Industrial Revolution to “The Puppy Who Lost It’s Way” to the crowd right now.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Why Does Shawn Michaels Have a Wood Paneled House? Does He Live In The World’s Largest Station Wagon?
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YOUR HOME, HBK?! #HappyGilmore
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) August 21, 2012

Did Shawn Michaels Just Give Triple H The “That’ll Do, Pig” Speech From Babe? He Needs to Hang Out with Other Adults.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

@miss_dani_baby He Already Lost His Arm. What More Do You Want From Him?
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

That’s a VERY LONG time just to say “Good job, good effort good buddy.”
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) August 21, 2012

Can we get “Down on his luck” Triple H. The vignettes will be gold. #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

Match 05: David Otunga vs. Big Show

O-WEH-OHHHHHHHHHHHH! O-WEH-OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! When you’re standin next to me! Yeah, you know that I’m a jobber!
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012 

They Should’ve Put a Fake Goatee on David Otunga Just To Have Big Show Punch It Off.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Winner: Big Show

So… Big Show is mad no one likes him?
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) August 21, 2012

Match 06: Zack Ryder and Kane vs Miz and Daniel Bryan

And here comes the murderer of Josh Mathews…Kane.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Kane has killed far too many people in his life with no repercussions. How can I get that privilage? #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

Finally On RAW. Has to Team with KANE #RoughRyder
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Zack Ryder and Kane are giving me X-Pac and Kane vibes….
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Why does The Miz stroke the Intercontinental Title? It’s a belt. Not a cat.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Kane/Ryder are the Vader/Cactus Jack of 2012. #BattleBowl
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Daniel Bryan slaps Kane and all hell breaks loose.

All I know is. Don’t slap Kane.
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) August 21, 2012

Winners: Kane and Zack Ryder (via DQ)

Post-Match, Kane chokeslams Zack Ryder.

Aw. His back is broken again. #ZackRyderProblems
— Linda (@LMitch87) August 21, 2012

Only the Team of Kane and Zack Ryder can Dominate AND Lose at the Same Time!
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Kane keeps going on a Spongebob “CHOCOLATE” like rampage.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Backstage: CM Punk chooses John Cena as his number one contender under one condition. Punk plans to call John Cena out to the ring to tell him this condition, and demands respect from John Cena.

@keepitfivestar Should at least be happy it wasn’t Hornswoggle…
— Chris (@Dusty_Knackers) August 21, 2012

Match 07: Divas Battle Royal:

That’s all of the Divas? Where’d everybody go?
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Beth was in the graphic for this right? K2 as well where are they? Never mind.
— Linda (@LMitch87) August 21, 2012

My wrestling brain is telling me that The divas didnt know about this battle royal until 5 minutes ago. #wwe #Raw
— Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) August 21, 2012

This is Like Watching Youth Soccer. Everyone Just Kicks and Eventually the Ball Goes In.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

It must suck for the women to be working and have announcers sitting 10 feet away mocking the shit out of them for doing their job #WWE #Raw
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) August 21, 2012

Winner: Kaitlyn

Even the music guy was surprised that Kaitlyn won. It took a while for him to find Kaitlyn’s theme.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

The ChickBusters are Taking Over!
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Touts on Touts on Touts: Brock Lesnar quits…again.

@keepitfivestar AW did too, but he was already fired, so it didn’t really matter.
— Ken Tuccio (@RhymesWithPen) August 21, 2012

This is Brock’s 3rd time quitting, one more quit and he get’s TWO Free Jimmy John’s sammiches. #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

“Tensai’s making racist jokes, Jericho’s running around screaming things, Lesnar’s quitting, THIS IS NOT WHAT TOUT WAS MADE FOR, GUYS!”- WWE
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Wade Barrett Promo:

Broken Bones on a Country Floor Are Really More His Thing … Wade Barrett.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Wade Barrett will return to WWE after he beats the other World Warriors then defeats M. Bision in Thailand.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

@wesleypipes02 @keepitfivestar So help me if there is ever a professional wrestler like Sagat, give him All The Championships.
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) August 21, 2012

Backstage: Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler emphasize the importance of winning the match against Chris Jericho.

Tonight’s Ziggler/Jericho match is bigger than last night’s. #TheBigOne
— Bob Sacamano (@TimExiled) August 21, 2012

Match 08: Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler

This will be good again. #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

Vickie’s introduction for Ziggler is still somehow less grating than Brodus Clay’s for the Funkadactyls. #WWE #Raw
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) August 21, 2012

“Dolph Ziggler realizes the severity of this match” – Michael Cole*Dolph Ziggler does the #SeriousZiggleWiggle *
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

I’m Glad Jericho’s Getting a Second Use Out of His Y2J 2012 Tights At Least.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

If Jericho Loses, I Hope He Gets the Reception Triple H Thought He Deserved at SummerSlam. Standing Ovation, You Guys, Nothing Less.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Codebroken #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

Chris Jericho gets fired from his job more times than George Jetson…
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

My only regret is that I won’t see Ziggler/Jericho again, and if I do it won’t be for a looong time.
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) August 21, 2012

Post-match, Dolph Ziggler celebrates until Chris Jericho picks up the Money In The Bank Briefcase and attacks Ziggler with it.

Chris Jericho has a very odd way of passing the torch…
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Chris Jericho Is a Rock Star! If He Doesn’t Have a Hotel Room to Destroy, He’ll Just Use Ziggler’s Face!
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

I think after about 1998 or so everyone in #WWE forgot what faces are and why they’re supposed to be good guys. #Raw
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) August 21, 2012

Chris Jericho thanks the fan then leaves.

Jericho going out with a bang. Enjoy the tour.
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) August 21, 2012

Chris Jericho made a classy exit. #wwe #Raw
— Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) August 21, 2012

Main Event: CM Punk calls out John Cena.

I do wonder if CM Punk from a year ago is going to come out and rag on current CM Punk for wearing pink, though #WWE #Raw
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) August 21, 2012

@3manbooth The Arrogance of such a thing! #PunIntended
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) August 21, 2012

Before CM Punk calls out John Cena, he asks Jerry Lawler to apologize for saying he turned his back on the fans.

I don’t want to see Punk vs King either. #GodNo
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) August 21, 2012

John Cena interrupts CM Punk and Lawler’s conversation.

Damn Cena’s that’s VERY rude. Didn’t your parents tell you not to interrupt? #BeAStar
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) August 21, 2012

John Cena interrupts CM Punk and Lawler then just gives his BFF, Stu the Cameraman, A CASUAL HEAD NOD?! Stu is worth more than that!
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

CM Punk calls John Cena out on interrupting him then talks about taking a backseat. Punk says John Cena gets the title shot but Cena has to admit Punk is the Best In the World.

Punk I love you, worship you, will have your firstborn child, but you are not Aretha Franklin booboo. please stop saying respect 900 times
— Krys ♥ (@krysalicious) August 21, 2012

Rather than do this, John Cena goes on a tirade about respect, beating The Rock and not letting people down.

If This is Passive Aggressive / Reverse Psychology John Cena, why is he so Loud?
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

I hate that Cena cannot match Punk’s intensity without sounding like a bipolar joke of a man.
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) August 21, 2012

CM Punk Just Said This! See, John, You Don’t Listen. This is why CM Punk Doesn’t Like You!
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

John Cena refuses to sacrifice his integrity and tells CM Punk that if he doesn’t choose him, he’s confident he’ll get a title shot again.

So, Cena basically said he’s guaranteed a title shot down the road. At least that’s what I heard.
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) August 21, 2012

John Cena tells CM Punk the best way for Punk to prove that he is the Best In The World is to face John Cena in his hometown at Night Of Champions in “the biggest match in the main stage.”

Cena, I was in a bar in Boston that had a “Cena Sucks” sign. I wouldn’t count on love at Night Of Champions. #raw
— Kara (@karaadora) August 21, 2012

Bro, it’s Night Of Champions. Not Wrestlemania.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Uhh..beating Cena at an In Your House PPV is career defining for Punk? news to me. #RAW
— Posh Nachoman (@WellYoureWrong) August 21, 2012

John Cena says if CM Punk doesn’t choose Cena, Punk has no respect for the WWE Championship and no respect for himself.

“DON’T CHOOSE ME. I don’t care. BUT IF YOU DON’T! I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR YOU. *Storms off in a huff*” – John Cena obviously caring
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

CM Punk calls Jerry Lawler back in and demands an apology. After Lawler apologizes, CM Punk demands Lawler call him the “Best In The World.” Jerry Lawler refuses.

Are Lawler and Cena incapable of telling the truth? #BestInTheWorld
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) August 21, 2012

Jerry! Just Read the Back of CM Punk’s T-Shirt! “Best in the World”Right There in Plain Letters.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

C’mon guys. CM Punk’s not asking you to call him “Lord and Master” like Brock Lesnar. He just wants to be called “The Best In The World”
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) August 21, 2012

Jerry Lawler gets ready to leave but CM Punk kicks Jerry Lawler then kneels over him.

A guy just kicked an old man in the back of the head and Im 100% okay with it. Only in wrestling. #WWE #RAW #BestInTheWorld
— Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) August 21, 2012

So That Happened:

Punk kicking Lawler is just bringing me such joy. I couldn’t even tweet about it because I kept rewinding and watching it again.
— Lizzie (@bitterforsweet) August 21, 2012

And thats the last time @khloekardashian tweets about wrestling. Thank God. #wwe #Raw
— Ryan Shell (@DAsharpshooters) August 21, 2012

Chris Jericho Lost on RAW 1004 and NOT to an Armbar. Let’s Not Let That Factoid Slip Away.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) August 21, 2012

I did it for Andy Kaufman.
— CM Punk (@CMPunk) August 21, 2012

 Also This Happened:

@therock What’s big boy breakfast????
— Aziz Ansari (@azizansari) August 21, 2012

As of this writing, The Rock has not clarified what “Big Boy Breakfast” is. Maybe he will at the Royal Rumble.