When unable to tweet, Kyle will post RAW Super Smackdown Live Commentary,
“So…That Happened.”
Smackdown begins with Primo and Epico?! This is already the greatest Smackdown ever-oh, wait. Johnny Curtis is there. Oh wait. Teddy Long is having some 4thof July Party. This is like when your high school would host parties and the only people who went were the people who didn’t have a cooler party to go to. High School was great. Wasn’t it, guys?
Anyway, The Colons, Johnny Curtis, The Usos, Alicia Fox, Natalya, Yoshi Tatsu, Hunico, Camacho, Percy Watson (OH YEA!), Kaitlyn, Tamina, Rosa Mendes and Hornswoggle (who’s in a kiddie pool despite being an adult) are all partying. Teddy Long welcomes them to the Great American Bash then tells his party guests that if they make a mess, The Handsome Eve Torres (Dressed in an all-white gown) is the janitor for the evening. Santino shows up and tries to light the BBQ, but can’t do it. Teddy Long stops him as Kane shows up, realizes none of the cool people are there, lights the barbeque then leaves. Jim Ross would’ve been there, but he didn’t want Kane to set him on fire again. Plus, Teddy Long is a fan of Heinz BBQ Sauce.
Alberto Del Rio Promo:
Lilian Garcia introduces RicRod who introduces Alberto Del Rio. The announcers put over Sheamus vs. Del Rio at Money In The Bank.
Recaps on Caps on Caps:Del Rio killing Sin Cara. It was incredible.
Alberto Del Rio says he’s not here to talk about America. He’s here to talk about himself. That’s all he talks about anyway, so it’s okay. Del Rio says that he’s going to send Sheamus back to Ireland because Sheamus is a common peasant just like the WWE Universe which is why we relate to him. I don’t relate to Sheamus. He’s rude. Del Rio says he came to this country legally and that when he wins the World Championship, he’ll be back in the place where he belongs. Del Rio, being the good Samaritan that he is, decides that he’s going to send other people back where they belong. Del Rio starts asking fans for their papers and tries to get them deported. See? If the Patriot did this, he’d be a true American. Alberto Del Rio is more American than the Patriot. As Del Rio tries to deport people you hear…
IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!
Sheamus comes out but Del Rio throws RicRod into him like Captain America throws his shield. The two begin to brawl all over the arena until RicRod tries to stop Sheamus but gets knocked down for his efforts. Sheamus continues to throw Del Rio into barricades until RicRod distracts him again and Del Rio gains the upperhand. Del Rio attacks Sheamus until RicRod – taking a page from the Smackdown vs. RAW Parking Lot Brawls – has the brilliant idea to smash Sheamus with the hood of Del Rio’s car. Del Rio does this several times until Sheamus is KO’d. Del Rio wins the Parking Lot Brawl and earns 10 Achievement Points for using the interactive spots in the game.
Recaps on Caps on Caps: Del Rio attacking Sheamus
A Busted Open Sheamus gets carried to the back by paramedics.
Match 01: Layla and The Great Khali vs. Antonio Cesaro and Aksana
Layla and The (Not So) Great Khali come out to Khali’s music. Layla does her best to dance with Khali but he can neither dance nor can he wrestle. The only thing Khali does well is chop. Cesaro and Aksana come out next while the announcers put over that Teddy Long made this match as a punishment for the months of blue balls Aksana gave him.
Cesaro tries his best but The (Not So) Great Khali hits him with the dreaded chops until Aksana tags herself in. A small “We Want Layla” chant breaks out until Layla is tagged in and she pounces on Aksana. Layla toys with Old Maryse by spanking her on the butt then hitting her X-Division offense on her. Cesaro tries to interfere, but Khali takes him out. Layla hits the Lay-Out for the win.
Winners: The (Not So) Great Khali and Layla.
Post-match, Layla tries to dance with Khali again but he’s not very good at it. He’s Khali. He doesn’t do much, ya know.
Backstage: Teddy Long, who’s dressed like he’s auditioning for a Popeyes’ Commercial bumps into Cody Rhodes. Long asks Rhodes if he has a problem with his outfit. I’m sure Cody does, but he keeps those thoughts to himself. Cody says the Board Of Directors accepted his appeal and that he’s getting another Money In The Bank qualifying match tonight. Teddy Long knows this and rather than be happy for Cody Rhodes, he decides to make things difficult by choosing Cody Rhodes opponent. Who does he choose? If you said “THE UNDERTAKAH,” or “RANDY ORTON!” you would usually be right, but you’re wrong. Long chooses Christian.
RAW 1000thMoment:Mick Foley discusses his REAL favorite RAW Moment, winning the WWE Championship after Tony Schiovanne mentions his infamous “That’ll put butts in seats” line. This package is hilarious to watch because the WWE takes a huge jab at WCW during it. It’s a must see!
Match 02: Cody Rhodes vs. Christian (MITB Quailifier)
Cody Rhodes, who recently quit Twitter, makes his way to the ring. Christian comes out next and the announcers put of a screenshot Christian’s Facebook page. Why? I don’t know. Social Media’s important, I guess. The bell rings and Christian and Cody Rhodes lock up. Rhodes and Christian put on a solid match. The match goes back and forth until Cody Rhodes hit Christian with a Beautiful Disaster then hotshots Christian’s injured arm.
Cody Rhodes continues to focus on Christian’s injured arm for the majority of the match until Christian stops Cody’s offense with a missile dropkick. Christian tries to comeback but his arm injury keeps derailing his momentum. Cody tries to hit the Alabama Slam on Christian, but Christian counters with a Sunset Flip. Christian tries to charge at Cody but hits his shoulder on the turnbuckle post Bret Hart style. Cody tries to undo the turnbuckle but the referee stops him causing Christian to hit a reverse DDT. Christian goes for a spear, but Cody kicks him in the chest. Cody goes for a Beautiful Disaster, but Christian ducks and tries to turn it into the Killswitch, but Cody counters with the Cross Rhodes! After that series of videogame counters, Cody goes for the pin and gets the victory.
Winners: Cody Rhodes
Post-Match, Cody Rhodes celebrates while the announcers go over the Money In The Bank Participants.
Backstage: The Usos are treating Hornswoggle like a child because he’s in the kiddie pool. Zack Ryder shows up and asks Teddy Long if he can DJ the party. He could ask for a match or a title shot, but I guess DJ Broski is number one on the list of priorities. Long and Ryder are interrupted by the One Man Band, Heath Slater who says no one wants to hear Ryder’s playlist and that he’s the entertainment for this evening. Maybe Heath Slater will sing “With My Baby Tonight” and job out to the Roadie. Not the Road Dogg, The Roadie. Slater begins to sing his “One Man Band” song (Jillian would be proud) until the party jobbers start booing and throwing trash at him ’til he leaves. This was also Duke The Dumpster Droese’s cue to beat Heath Slater, but I guess he was busy. DJ Broski asks the party jobbers if they’re ready to fist pump then plays “Somebody Call My Mama.” That’s definitely not a fist pumping song. Anyway, right on cue, Brodus Clay shows up with the Funkadactyls and everyone starts Walking the Dinosaur.
Did You Know: Smackdown was added to the Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary in 2007. The words, brony, jabroni, and jabrony (A jobber who watches My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic in their spare time) are still waiting for approval.
Match 03: Dolph Ziggler vs. Alex Riley (MITB Qualifier)
Lilian Garcia introduces Alex Riley, who’s way to excited to lose. Vickie Guerrero comes out next asking to be excused. She says she’s going to give America their greatest gift ever. If you said a steady economy, you’re wrong. It’s Dolph Ziggler. But he did bring the Asscape with him, so it’s all good.
The match begins and Riley actually tries to win this thing. One headstand and Zig-Zag later….
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Michael Cole interviews AJ:
Michael Cole asks for everyone’s attention then introduces AJ. AJ skips out in an adorable pink and black outfit. Natalya’s jealous. Rather than let AJ speak, Michael Cole asks her why she put CM Punk and Daniel Bryan through a table on Monday Night RAW. While AJ ponders the question, we recap (on cap on cap) the incident on Monday with an incredible video package.
Cole asks AJ what was she thinking and AJ tries to respond, but Cole keeps talking. He says AJ wasn’t thinking and that she switched allegiances on a dime and that the Board Of Directors made a mistake making her the special guest referee for CM Punk and Daniel Bryan’s match at Money In The Bank. Cole calls her a “troubled little girl” (She’s 24) and a delusional teenager (She’s 24!) that’s living out a fantasy with two guys he sees no appeal in. Don’t you dare mock AJ for living out her fanfiction! Michael Cole decides to make things creepy and starts hitting on AJ puts over he’s a former war correspondent and the voice of the WWE.
One H.R. complaint later, Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring next NOT doing his trademark My Little Goatface: Yessing Is Magic gallop because he’s too injured. Bryan calls Michael Cole out for the sexist, emotionally abusive, bully he is and says this story isn’t about him. Bryan says that he knows AJ better than anyone and says that he knows she’s taking her job as special referee seriously and that she’ll do an excellent job. Bryan takes AJ’s hand and says he knows AJ only meant for CM Punk to go through the table and that he forgives her.
Daniel Bryan’s sweet talking is interrupted by CM Punk who comes down to the ring also feeling the effects of the table. After a loud CM Punk chant, CM Punk tells Michael Cole that this interview has nothing to do with him and forces him out of the ring. CM Punk tells AJ that two people were effected by her interference and, unlike Daniel Bryan, he’s not going to pretend like nothing happened and, unlike Daniel Bryan, he’s not going to suck up to AJ. Punk says he’s going to be honest with AJ and tells her that he’s worried about her, and that she’s not in a good place mentally (but she’s in a great place physically!). Punk apologizes for not saying anything sooner and says AJ needs professional help and, unlike Daniel Bryan, he’s not going to lie to her face and toy with her emotions because she doesn’t deserve that.
As CM Punk tries to level with AJ, Daniel Bryan calls him out for pretending to care about AJ. Bryan says he cares about AJ and that the only thing CM Punk cares about is AJ being the referee because he needs her to beat Daniel Bryan. CM Punk and Daniel Bryan almost come to fisticuffs but AJ separates them then kisses Daniel Bryan passionately! CM Punk look on disgusted by this public display of affection then leaves the ring. AJ follows CM Punk out of the ring then starts kissing him just as passionately. After the kiss, Kane runs down the ramp and tells AJ he’s sorry. Kane awaits his kiss, but AJ slaps him in the face then skips off. Okay, that didn’t happen, but I know funny…
Anyway, AJ skips off then starts chanting “YES!” while CM Punk and Daniel Bryan stare dumbfounded. Maybe they realized that technically they just kissed each other.
Match 04: Santino Marella, Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Sgt. Slaughter
vs. Drew McIntyre, Hunico and Camacho.
Ugh. Now would be a good time to talk about Three Man Booth’s Highlight Reel on the most Patriotic Wrestler in the WWE. Did your favorite make the list? Check it out here!
Winners: The Americans and Santi-
Hold on one minute! I wiki’d Santino Marella to see if he was actually American, but he’s an Italian Canadian?! Canadian?! Are you serious, Joe?! I love Robin Sparkles and Bret Hart as much as the next person, but why is he on this team? Is he an American sympathizer like Sgt. Slaughter was an Iraqi Sympathizer? If he is, you never told me, WWE! I feel betrayed! No recap tonight! Show’s over!
*15 Patriotic Minutes Later*
After storming off in a blaze of patriotism, I realized that I had a service to provide to you, the 3 Man Booth-iverse. I refuse to let all 10 of you down. If I don’t comment on it, who will? Don’t answer that.
Winners: The American Hacksaw Jim Duggan,
The American and Iraqi Sympathizer Sgt. Slaughter, and
The Italian-Canadian-American Sympathizer / LIAR Santino Marella
Backstage: The Party Jobbers continue to dance awkwardly. R-Truth is shown with a plate of food because he’s the type of guy that never misses a cookout. Damien Sandow shows up and pulls the giant yellow plug stopping the music but not the rest of the electricity. Sandow scolds the party jobbers and tells them this is not what our founding fathers had in mind why they were fighting for their independence. Zack Ryder tells Sandow that they’re just trying to have a good time. Sandow insults Ryder (and confuses R-Truth with his vocabulary) then continues to scold the party jobbers until Ryder tells him to leave. Ryder and Sandow start brawling and Ryder actually wins!
HOWEVER, Zack Ryder tries to throw a big red bowl of punch on Damien Sandow, but Sandow ducks and the punch gets all over The Handsome Eve Torres! Rather than help Eve out, they all laugh at her and she storms off crying. Teddy Long says to hit the music and everyone starts dancing again, despite the big yellow plug never being plugged back in.
Match 05: Curt Hawkins vs. Skip Rob Van Goldberg (The Ryback)
Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks are in the ring talking about how they can beat Skip Rob Van Goldberg. Reks says they flipped a coin and Hawkins won so he’s going to face SRVG this week. I think we all know how this ends…
Winner: Curt Hawkins
Kidding.
Winner: Skip Rob Van Goldberg AKA The Ryback
Post-Match, Reks laughs at his partner and pretends to check on him. No “Feed Me More” chants this time. I guess SRVG was fed at Teddy Long’s party.
Recaps on Caps on Caps: Del Rio injuring Sheamus with the car hood
Because of this attack, Sheamus will not be in the Great American Bash Battle Royal. It’s A Shameful Thing! Lobster Hood!
RAW 1000thMoment: Donald Trump talks about the time he gave money to the WWE Universe during Vince McMahon Appreciation Night. Donald Trump will always be a winner with me for two reasons: 1. He created the beautiful Ivanka Trump. 2. He fired Goldberg on the Celebrity Apprentice.
Match 06: Smackdown Great American Bash Battle Royal (Winner gets to be Smackdown GM next week)
Teddy Long, still wearing that ridiculous Popeyes outfit, comes out and thanks the WWE Board Of Directors and the WWE Universe for the great time he had tonight then introduces the Smackdown Battle Royal. Alberto Del Rio comes out first with RicRod so no introduction. As Del Rio comes to the ring you hear…
EXPLOSION!
Kane comes out to a pretty big pop followed by Jack Swagger who comes out to silence. I’m sure the fans are just scared from Kane’s pyro. John Cena’s theme hits and the crowd goes crazy (Sorry Swagger. It was you.) John Cena comes out to the ring and tells Gerard the Cameraman (Stu doesn’t work Tuesdays), “I’m gonna win this thing.” Gerard doesn’t know John Cena too well so he keeps quiet.
Did You Know: WWE gets 40,000 new fans on Facebook every day. That’s 40,000 new complaints every day. Astonishing!
Tensai makes his way to the ring next as most of the Superstars are already in the ring. CM Punk comes out next followed by the Big Show, who’s ready to ruin things as usual. The battle royal begins and Justin Gabriel and Brodus Clay are the first two eliminated by Big Show. See? Big Show’s already ruining Funk and Twilight for the fans. Ezekiel Jacksongets eliminated next, followed by The (Not So) Great Khali. Damien Sandow is eliminated next by Zack Ryder (Ryder – 2. Sandow – 8) then Santino Marella is eliminated by the son of the American Dream, Cody Rhodes! Rhodes didn’t appreciate Santino being Canadian. Cody and Big Show renew their rivalry for a bit until Big Show eliminates Cody Rhodes and Kofi Kingston out of the ring.Big Show just got eliminated two of the best Superstars in the WWE. Thanks for continuing to ruin things, Show….
The battle royal comes back from commercial and CM Punk eliminates himself and Daniel Bryan with a diving cross body!They can’t blame AJ for that one. 8 Superstars are left: Big Show, Cena, Christian, Del Rio, Kane, Ryder, Tensai and Ziggler. Big Show tries to chokeslam Kane, but Kane counters with a chokeslam of his own which makes the crowd cheer! Tensai, which is Japanese for Big Show, ruins Kane’s fun and starts attacking him in the corner.
The Heels try to gang up on John Cena, but apparently Cena gets the star from Super Mario Brothers and starts to clean house. While invincible, Cena eliminates Alberto Del Rio and hits Kane with the AA. Seeing that the star is dying down, Tensai tries to eliminate Cena, but Cena still has star power left, so he eliminates Tensai. Big Show realizes John Cena has no more star power left and quickly eliminated him. Big Show spears Ryder, then grabs Christian and eliminates him.Dolph Ziggler tries to put Big Show to sleep, but he’s all out of Big Show: A Giant’s World DVDs so he just locks on a sleeperhold instead. Kane kicks Big Show and Dolph Ziggler over the top rope and eliminates both of them.The final two in the battle royal are Kane and… Zack Ryder. I’m not making this up.
Kane decimates Zack Ryder and tries to eliminate him, but Ryder trips Kane into the turnbuckle. Ryder hits the Broski Boot on Kane then tries to go for the Rough Ryder, but Kane grabs Ryder and tries to Chokeslam him. Zack Ryder finally counters a chokeslam which catches Kane off guard. Kane charges at Zack Ryder, but Ryder pulls down the top rope and eliminates Kane! Zack Ryder. Eliminated. Kane!
Winner: Zack Ryder!
Post-Match, Zack Ryder celebrates while Kane sits on the ground like a dejected super villain who really thought he’d win this time. Zack Ryder will be the Acting General Manager for next week’s Smackdown. Zack Ryder winning the Great American Bash Battle Royal proves that if you complain long enough on the internet, eventually, someone will take notice and give you an opportunity. And that, my friends, is the American Dream.
So…That Happened:Overall, it was a fun Smackdown. These Super Smackdown Live shows are usually a lot worse, so I’m okay with it. This is great for Zack Ryder since he’s been lost in the shuffle ever since that whole Cena/Eve/Ryder/Kane incident from February. I’m happy for the guy. The AJ, CM Punk and Daniel Bryan story got even better, Cody Rhodes and Dolph Ziggler are in the Money In The Bank, and Primo and Epico were on TV, so I’m happy.
That’s it for this week. I’ll return to RAW commentary next week, but if you enjoyed, please leave a comment or let me know what you think via Twitter. Until next time…Keep It Five Star and Happy Fourth Of July!
Three Man Booth 