I Have ‘Til 5: Magic Mike Music

 In I Have ’til 5, 3MB will Pick a Topic and Discuss the 5 Finer Points of it

While the discussions around the release of Magic Mike will mostly center around the abs of Channing Tatum, or Joe Manganiello or Matt Bomer or Matthew McConaughey, the overlap between the wrestling fan community and the Male Stripper community will most like focus on Kevin Nash, who has a role in the film as Tarzan in Magic Mike. It would be a nice nod – either from Big Sexy or Director Steven Soderberg – if Nash’s scenes could incorporate something about professional wrestling. As long as it’s not Nash RUBBING HIS NIPPLES LIKE HE DID IN THE LONGEST YARD!

No, Oz! No!

Image Courtesy of EW.com. Nash: featured in the Back, The Way Back

There are other, more subtle ways to pay tribute to professional wrestling, though subtlety is not a known trait of the former Super Shredder. Let’s think about this for a second: What do all strippers need? Well, besides a good waxing? Music! it’s all about song selection. Diesel could jackknife his way all over that screen if the right theme is playing. Here are five entrance themes that could help Nash steal the show from his Channing Tatum.

     NOTE: We’ve excluded Shawn Michaels’ “Sexy Boy” from “I Have Til 5” since it’s the definite go-to song for any wrestling fan turned stripper. I’m pretty sure Nash dancing to Shawn’s theme is a violation of the bro code (If it’s not, then it should be: Thou Shalt Not Grind to Another Bro’s jam)  and nobody wants to see the ladder match that will settle this dispute. Plus, after years watching HBK gyrate and strip to “Sexy Boy,” do you really think Nash would want to re-create that? Of course not. He’d tear a calf just thinking about it.

   1. Simply Ravishing – Ravishing Rick Rude

If the song is in your head right now, look down: your hips are swiveling. Don’t worry. It happens to all of us. It’s perfectly natural. Rick Rude was the definition of an 80’s lothario, with the bushel of hair on his chest and the Tom Selleck mustache on his face. Despite this somewhat dated image, the lyrics to his WCW theme are timeless: “All the girls go crazy / they don’t know what to do.” If you’re a male dancer, I imagine that’s the reaction you’d want from a female audience. Also, I’m sure at least a male stripper or two have modeled their performance attire after Rude’s custom spray painted tights.

     2. Ass Man – Mr. Ass / Billy Gunn

Listen, it’s a song about butts. Maybe a little too much about butts, I guess. With the amount of backside chatter this song contains, it’s kind of amazing the WWE never got Sir Mix-a-Lot to do a remix. It has more lyrical innuendos than Val Venis’ Titan Tron has visual references. Plus, as a bonus, this ode to the backside is an equal opportunity pleaser. Sometimes you want to be with by a Torrie; other times, you want to hang out with a Chuck, you know? There’s nothing wrong with either choice. Either choice is still far better than listening to the Booty Man‘s entrance theme. That just sounds like an ass is talking. Go back to the Barbershop, Brutus!

     3. Here to Show the World – Dolph Ziggler

Dolph Ziggler, appropriately, has a stripper-esque theme. First, the ZiggleWiggle is the evolutionary step to the Rick Rude’s gyrations

BRING IT BACK!!

Looking at those two images side by side is too distracting. So much Core Strength on display. Secondly, no wrestler since Mr. Ass has worn that bright a pink on that few a fabric. Dolph is the wrestling heir to both Rick Rude and Billy Gunn. Couple these notions with his “Here to Show the World” entrance, insert your own euphemisms for ‘world’ and you have the makings of a solid dance routine. The self-boasting in the lyrics can only boost your confidence, propelling you to make the everybody look better. If this theme can help the Show Off make the Great Khali’s chop look good, it’ll do wonders for anyone’s dance moves. This song is the musical equivalent of liquid courage: it can make anyone strip down to their skivvies on a stage, putting a little extra Ziggle in that Wiggle. There’s also an added benefit; in the event that you still possess a modicum of shyness, an ass-cape is a possible accessory.

4. “Hello, Ladies” – Val Venis

The whole idea behind Val Venis’ character is he’s a former adult film star turned professional wrestler. That, and his name rhymes with penis. It’s a logical connection to imagine “Hello, Ladies” as a stripper theme. Note that “Hello” and “Ladies” are the only two words in the entire song. Anything more would have distracted from the saxophone track that sounds like the night Kenny G got horny. For added effect, play Val Venis Titantron in the background; it’s loaded with images of drills, trains, rockets and any other phallic image available in the stock footage vault. You could erect an entire club around its overtness (See what I did there?).

     5. Just Look at Me – Rob Conway

Here me out on this one: Big Sexy is getting up there, age-wise, especially when compared to a Channing Tatum or a Dolph Ziggler. So maybe his appearance in the film is to appeal to an older female clientele, possibly the same demographic that enjoys the melodies of Randy Newman. So why not dance to a Randy Newman knock-off? Nash can slow it down and “let the whole damn world take a look at him” as the song suggests. Plus, it has touches of all the songs already on this list: Lyrically, it’s cockier than both Rick Rude’s and Dolph Ziggler’s themes. Its musicality is as charged as Val Venis’. And like Billy Gunn’s theme, it’s full of innuendo. Or at least I think so. I have no idea what, “Yeah, take every star in Hollywood baby / They’re all fallen stars to me,” means. Could be about butts …

The Silver Fox, Kevin Nash, has a plethora of wrestling themes to choose from if he wants to throw the wrestling fans a bone during Magic Mike. He’s got enough of a past to choose from on his own, from the colorful clothing of OZ to the silver streaked leather vest of Diesel to the tracksuits of the Main Event Mafia. Maybe his go to move will give new meaning to the term “Poke of Doom.” But where’s the fun in that? Plus, you know how Nash likes stealing the momentum of other featured performers (CM Punk). Will Channing Tatum be the next one on Big Kev’s list? The only way to find out is to see Magic Mike, which I have no interest in doing. However, if some intrepid fan would like to  leave a report in the comments below, I’d read it.

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