When unable to tweet, Kyle will post Monday Night RAW commentary,
So That Happened, 06/25/12:
This recap is in no way affiliated with The WWE, Monday Night Raw
or John Cena’s Star Wars: Abridged Series
Recaps on Caps on Caps: Danie Bryan/Punk/AJ/Kane story
RAW starts off with A DIVA?! No, you’re not dreaming. No, it’s not Trish Stratus. RAW is starting with actually AJ talking to CM Punk, Daniel Bryan and Kane! Amazing! She did it reality show style saying their positives and negatives. You know, Kane being a monster, Daniel Bryan being a goatface and CM Punk being more in love with Colt Cabana than AJ. Just when you think AJ’s perfected the breakup speech, you find out she’s been talking to a mirror the whole time! Hey, don’t judge her. Practice makes perfect.
We go from one Diva to another Diva! Seriously, what is this? SHIMMER? Vickie Guerrero comes out asking to be excused. You know, if people excused her, she wouldn’t be so upset. Vickie Guerrero announces she’s the GM for the week and that she thinks she’ll be announced the GM in 4 Weeks on the 1,000th RAW. Vickie wants to give us a good show, so her first match is a Triple Threat Elimination Match. AKA ECW’s Three Way Dance.
Match 01: Daniel Bryan vs. Kane vs. CM Punk
Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring with his trademark My Little Goatface: YESSing is Magic Gallop. As he’s “Yessing” his heart out you hear an *EXPLOSION!* and Kane comes out next with the duel masks. I’m still trying to figure out why he wears two. Maybe he’s just doesn’t want to end up like the Shockmaster so if he ever goes through a wall and his mask falls off, he’s prepared. CM Punk comes out next to a huge pop. As Punk makes his way to the ring, Michael Cole asks the WWE Universe (That’s you!) to tweet who you think AJ should be with.
#AJAll (AKA Let The Whole Crew Get On)
I picked #AJKeepItFiveStar. AJ doesn’t know it yet, but we’d be great together. The match starts off, and this is pretty similar to their match at No Way Out. There’s no multiple kicks to Kane’s chest this time. This time it’s multiple kicks to his knees. Chairs, Feet and Females are Kane’s weaknesses. AJ is shown watching the match backstage as CM Punk curb stomps Daniel Bryan.
I could tell you more about this match, but you know it’s good with these three so I’ll get to the end. CM Punk tries to GTS Bryan, but he *Eminem voice* forgot about Kane who boots him in the head then hits his sideslam and flying clothesline. Kane gets CM Punk ready for the Chokeslam but AJ’s theme plays and Kane quickly turns his head to focus on her skipping around the ring. AJ distracts Kane long enough for CM Punk to hit the GTS and go for the pin. That’s what Kane gets for putting the Divas on the pedestal.
Kane has been eliminated.
While CM Punk catches his breath, he also catches a kick to the head from Daniel Bryan. Daniel Bryan quickly covers CM Punk and gets the win.
Winner: Daniel Bryan
Post-Match, Daniel Bryan celebrates with his “YES”ing while CM Punk wonders what just happened and Kane covers his boner with the black glove.
Backstage: Vickie Guerrero is backstage watching the match until she’s interrupted by Alberto Del Rio, who thinks “Bickie is Veautiful.” If you’ve never noticed, Del Rio pronounced his B’s as V’s and bice bersa. Del Rio and RicRod try to sweet talk Vickie Guerrero into getting a World Heavyweight Championship match against Sheamus. RicRod gives her flowers, but Del Rio yells at him because they’re not in a “base” and orders him to find one. Del Rio’s sweet talking is interrupted by Dolph Ziggler who believes he should be the #1 Contender. The two argue until Vickie Guerrero decides to book Del Rio vs. Ziggler in a Contract on a Pole match! RicRod comes back with the flowers and Ziggler asks if they’re for him. After RicRod tells him no, Ziggler throws the flowers into the wall then storms off.
Wow. First the Three Way Dance, now the Contract On A Pole Match? What’s Vickie Guerrero gonna bring back next? Psycho Sid Squash Matches? No. Not during softball season.
Recaps on Caps on Caps:Brodus Clay getting destroyed by Big Show
Match 02: Brodus Clay vs. Big Show
Naomi and Cam’ron do their Brodus Clay entrance. Afterwards, Brodus Clay asks the Funketeers to put their hands together for the Funkadacytls. I don’t think anyone ever does. But who cares! Brodus is dancing.
FUNKY TUNA ROLL!
FUNKY TUNA ROLL!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA!!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA!!
SOMEBODY PLEASE COMB MY LLAMA!!!!
After Brodus Clay dances, Big Show comes out and ruins all the fun. The match begins and Brodus starts to get the upperhand on Big Show until Big Show kicks Brodus’ injured knee. After that, Big Show works on the knee the entire match then hits Brodus with a Vader Bomb. You can’t do that anymore, Show. Vader’s a thing in the WWE again. The Funkadactyls screech for Brodus which allows Brodus to start to fight back. Maybe Naomi and Cam’ron are like Paul Bearer’s urn. Brodus Clay tries to go for a Hulk Hogan/Andre The Giant Wrestlemania 3 Ending, but gets Hulk Hogan/Andre The Giant Wrestlemania 3 20 Seconds in as a result.
Winner: Big Show
Post-Match, the Doctors hit the ring and check on the injured Brodus Clay. Poor Funkasaurus. We really need to protect endangered species. As Brodus dies in the ring, Cole and Lawler put over John Cena’s big announcement then speak about something even bigger than Cena’s announcement, his 300th wish for the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
RAW 1000thMoment: Bob Barker talks about the Price Is Raw. He even challenges Chavo Guerrero for a match at the 2000th RAW. If Bob Barker is alive for the 2000th RAW, Chavo should do the job.
Remember how I said Big Show ruins fun? After the Price Is RAW segment, we see a clip of Big Show knocking out Brodus Clay during the commercial break. I feel bad for Brodus, but I also feel bad for the referee who had to fall with him.
Recaps on Caps on Caps: Triple H and Paul Heyman from last week.
Cole announces Brock Lesnar will address Triple H next week on RAW. Yay.
Backstage: AJ is seen talking to someone and she’s glad they get the time to “talk.” It’s revealed that she’s talking to Kane who admits he’s not one with his feelings, but AJ makes him feel things he’s never felt possible. See what happens when you pick girls that aren’t Tori or Chyna? Kane tells AJ that he’s not boyfriend material. AJ says that it’s okay, but Kane says he’s not relationship material and reminds her that he’s a monster (Duh) that wears a mask (Duh) and that his only source of pleasure if eviscerating people (We get it, Kane. You have fetishes.) But despite all that, he finds AJ mentally unstable. Kane says it’s best for AJ if they stay away from each other. Yes. Kane, broke it off with AJ. What’s the matter, Kane?! Is she too alive for you?! They can’t all be Katie Vick, ya jerk! AJ starts to break down and cry but then starts laughing maniacally. Aww. She’s so cute when she goes through psychotic episodes!
Did You Know: If you were to watch every episode of RAW, back to back, non-stop for 24 hours a day, it would take you over 75 Days to watch them all. How do they know this? They actually hired people to test this out. Only two made it out alive. And one of them can only speak in Attitude Era catch phrases. #NeverForget…INDEED
Match 03: Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella
With Jack Swagger being a former World Heavyweight Champion, there is NO WAYthat he’s going to lose to-
Winner: Santino Marella
Oh Jack Swagger. The more you lose, the closer you get to participating in TNA’s Gut Check series as “Jackson Smoothgroove.”
Backstage: John Cena is shown walking to the ring. Cena goes through a box that says “For A Good Home” Which has People Power shirts in it. Zack Ryder grabs the People Power shirt and throws it then fist bumps John Cena. I think they’re friends again. Also, Zack Ryder seems to be stuck in a career loop. Wrestling on Superstars in Long Island and Being in backstage segments with John Cena? You’ll get that push again in December, Zack. I feel it.
John Cena Promo Time:
John Cena comes out screaming gibberish then says “No, seriously! Look around.” He didn’t tell this to his BFF, Stu the cameraman, because he didn’t even look at him this time. If Stu wasn’t a professional, he’d crack John Cena in the head with a the camera creating the best heel turn of all time.
John Cena goes through his tweets then says that for the past month, the WWE has been like a bad episode of Star Wars (Episode IV?) After this, John Cena begins to tell his abridged version of Star Wars recasting the original characters as WWE Superstars. This was horrible. Absolutely horrible. The only good part is when Cena pulled a Stefan from SNL and broke during the promo. I’m not sure if the fans cheered because it was charming or if it was because they were just glad he stopped doing the Star Wars thing for a bit, but they cheered. Cena rambles until the lights go out, Chris Jericho’s theme plays and Walls Get Broken Down. Thank God!
Chris Jericho comes to the ring looking like Bon Jovi. A loud Y2J chant breaks out. As long as Chris Jericho has Bon Jovi hair, I’m going to reference it. Anyway, Y2Jovi tells Cena to make his announcement then shut the hell up and get out of his ring. Rather than get to the announcement, John Cena recaps the last month of RAW for Jericho and mentions that Big Show is in the Money In The Bank Ladder Match. Finally, Cena reveals his big announcement which is that he is putting himself (for the first time ever!) in the Money In The Bank Ladder Match.
John Cena says it’s been a year since he’s been WWE Champion and that he’s not just out to stop Big Show, but he’s gonna win the whole “fudging” thing. Chris Jovicho calls Cena out on “Fudging” then asks him if he’s 9 years old. Cena says it’s a PG Show and that most of the WWE Universe is 9 Years old. Funny stuff. Jovicho calls Cena out on his arrogance and puts over the seriousness of the Money In The Bank Ladder Match. Jovicho says it’s not something you take lightly and do for fun, and if Cena wants fun, he should go in a bouncy house or do another Star Wars promo because it was fun. Then he makes this face:
Hilarious! Jovicho continues to put the MITB over and tells Cena that instead of worrying about Big Show, Cena should be concerned with stopping him because he is also entering the MITB Ladder Match. Vickie Guerrero interrupts yelling “EXCUSE ME!” then mentions that there will be be two Money In The Bank Ladder Matches (One for each championship contract) and that no one can just place themselves in the match (Except for Big Show apparently.)
Jovicho tries to talk but Vickie orders him to not interrupt her. Jovicho fires back by saying, “What are you going to do? Suspend me?” He’s on fire tonight. Vickie says that the Board of Directors put a stipulation on the WWE MITB Ladder Match which is only former WWE Champions can be in the MITB. Vickie announces that Kane, Big Show, Chris Jovicho and John Cena are in the match. Cena makes fun of Vickie for listening to the BOD rather than not making her own decisions and Vickie fires back with by making a “First Time Ever” match between Chris Jovicho and John Cena. I think she meant the first time in two years, but that’s not even true.
Recaps on Caps on Caps: Vader and Mick Foley’s RAW Returns
Match 04: RAW Main Eventer vs. Heath Slater
Heath Slater, who’s gimmick is he gets beaten up so bad that he doesn’t remember what happened to him a week ago, comes out or more punishment. As Slater makes his way to the ring, we get a Recap (on Cap on Cap) of Cyndi Lauper embarrassing Heath Slater. Slater puts over that he’s the One Man Band and that “He. Rules. The World.” He says that one more time, and just like that, Sycho Sid comes out!
Match 04: Sycho Sid vs. Heath Slater
Holy Crap! It really is Sid! Get the fudge outta here! You know, maybe Heath Slater should say KoKo B. Ware’s or Tatanka’s catchphrases. He’d have a better chance of winning. Anyway, Sid comes out looking like a cross between Bill from King Of The Hill and John C. Riley in the face, but other than that he looks the same. Heath Slater tries to get some offense in, but he fails. Sid hits the Powerbomb and gets the win.
Winner: Sycho Sid
After a commercial break, Cole and Lawler put over the first ever Celebrity Social Media Ambassador for the 1000th RAW. This pretty much means that a celebrity will be live tweeting during RAW. You know, what we all normally do, only they’re getting paid to do it. Who’s the celebrity? You could go to WWE.com to find out, or you can find out like I did in an e-mail from the WWE. It’s Charlie Sheen. Good to strike while the iron is hot, WWE. I hear Conan O’Brien got kicked off The Tonight Show. You should get him next!
Match 05: Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler (Contract On A Pole)
Lilian Garcia (Who must’ve taken out Justin Roberts before the show) introduces RicRod who introduces Alberto Del Rio, who I’m convinced “Beez In The Trap.” Del Rio comes out in his Bumblebee Transformers car. Dolph Ziggler comes out next, not doing the #ZiggleWiggle. Maybe someone told him it reminds them of Billy Gunn and it made him reevaluate his life. The match begins and “Let’s Go Ziggler” chants start up.
Dolph Ziggler quickly tries to run and grab the contract but Del Rio attacks him. Del Rio tries to grab the contract, but Ziggler stops him. Ziggler and Del Rio have a back and forth match, trying to one-up each other and grab the contract. At one point, Del Rio tries to grab the contract but Dolph Ziggler jumps on top of him and tries to climb Del Rio like the Aggro Crag to get the contract. Del Rio foils Ziggler’s attempt by dropping him with a top rope “Pampoose To Go” (Samoan Drop for you Non-Humanoids.) Del Rio tries to get the contract again, but Ziggler quickly climbs up, grabs the contract and falls off the top rope dropping the contract. Technically, Dolph Ziggler won but Michael Cole says you have to “control” the contract in order to win the match.
Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio go through a game of Tom and Jerry and grab the contract. RicRod interferes just like one of Tom’s homeless cat friends and gets kicked out for his efforts. Ziggler and Del Rio end up falling out of the ring during their contract fight and then all of a sudden…
IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!
Sheamus comes down to the ring and announces that there’s no need to grab the contract anymore because Vickie Guerrero made a Triple Threat Match between Ziggler, Del Rio and Sheamus for the World Heavyweight Championship. Sheamus says that the match won’t be about “Showing Off” or “Destiny” but about him “Kicking their Arses.” Way to ruin a good thing, Sheamus.
Cole and Lawler announce the “Who should AJ be with” pole results. For those of you who shipped #AJKeepItFiveStar, it didn’t happen. It SHOULD’VE happened. But it didn’t happen. #AJPunk wins. I suppose that’s better than #AJAll. AJ’s not that kind of girl. And the WWE doesn’t promote Hentai. They promote Tensai. There’s a difference!
Recaps on Caps on Caps: Bryan/Punk/Kane/AJ match from earlier
Backstage: CM Punk finishes up a phone call (Hi Colt Cabana!) then AJ comes up from behind him playing the “Guess Who” game. CM Punk guesses King Kong Bundy. And who can blame him? KKB has soft hands. CM Punk wants to talk, but AJ tells him they can talk after she wins her Bikini Beach Blanket Bingo Battle Royal. Also, she’s dedicating the match to CM Punk! What a great person. I wish I had a Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini dedicated to me…
RAW 100thMoment: Mick Foley discusses his all-time favorite RAW Moment, him winning the WWE Championship and the Ratings War. Wait. He doesn’t talk about that? The Rock’s “This Is Your Life” segment is his favorite RAW Moment? …Really?! …Wow. I guess the Faces Of Foley also have different favorite moments.
Match 06: Haas and Little Jo Spring Break 95’ Diva Battle Royal
The Divas are ready to get their 3 minutes on, but they’re interrupted by Vickie Guerrero who wants to enter the match herself. The Big Dick Johnson/Val Venis Towel music plays and Vickie Guerrero takes her robe off to reveal a Cheetah print Bikini worthy of Wilma Flintstone. The bell rings and the Divas try and make the most of their limited time. Everyone kinda jet gets eliminated until it’s down to AJ, Layla and Vickie. The crowd chants for AJ as Layla is focused on Vickie. AJ throws Layla out but she hangs on but gets distracted by Beth Phoenix. Layla really needs to pay attention. AJ throws Layla out then it’s down to AJ and Vickie. AJ puts on the “Crazy face” then attacks Vickie Guerrero until Vickie Guerrero fleas, making AJ the winner!
Post-Match: AJ leads a “Yes!” chant. Not only is she happy that she won a match, but she’s also happy that the crowd is into a Divas Match. AJ, is there anything you can’tdo?
Did You Know: Smackdown was #1 Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah.
Match 07: Chris Jovicho (Jericho) vs. John Cena
Chris Jovicho makes his way out to the ring with his light bright jacket. If he’s a real heel, he won’t wear it on the 4th of July. Or, he’ll wear all Canadian Colors. John Cena comes out next and (Finally) tells his BFF, Stu The Cameraman, that it’s “Time To Get Serious.” Unlike you, Cena, Stu the Camerman, is always serious. He’s a consummate professional.
The bell rings and Jovicho and Cena start things off. Loud Y2J, Let’s Go Cena/Cena Sucks chants start. Fun Fact: The Cena Hatred Started at Summerslam 2005 during his feud with Chris Jericho (Not Jovicho. The hair was much shorter in 2005.) A standard Jovicho/Cena match. Jovicho has the upperhand for most of the match until Cena hits most of the Five Moves Of Doom, but Jovicho turns the Five Knuckle Shuffle into the Walls Of Jovicho, which Cena turns into back into the Five Moves Of Doom. After Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle, Big Show’s theme plays which means he’s out to ruin something again.
Cena gets distracted by Big Show’s music long enough to be put in the Walls Of Jericho. As Jericho locks Cena in the Walls, Big Show decides to hit a leg drop on John Cena causing Jovicho to lose by disqualification.
Winner: John Cena
Post-Match, Jovicho looks upset at Big Show’s action, but leaves the ring leaving John Cena to fend for himself. Big Show Chokeslams John Cena then locks on that stupid Camel Clutch submission he tried to make a thing a few years ago. RAW ends with Charles Robinson yelling at the Big Show, who’s clearly proud of what he’s done.
So…That Happened: RAW was a good show up until the end. Big Show does nothing for me. To me, the two highlights of the show were Jovicho and AJ. Both of them did great promo work and would’ve done even better ring work if they had more time. The WWE MITB Championship Match doesn’t excite me too much, but there’s still two weeks to go. Things can and probably will change. Dolph Ziggler continues to show face tendencies. I think the turn is coming soon, but you have to get the crowd to accept it otherwise you end up with another Alex Riley on your hands. You can never go wrong with CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan so two MITBS and a Punk/Bryan match already makes me want to order MITB.
That’s it for this week folks. My 10-Week Hiatus from Twitter is officially over, so as of next week, I will be live tweeting again. I don’t know what this means for the future of the recaps but maybe I’ll do something different. But if you like this or anything else on 3MB, be sure to leave a comment or a response on Twitter. Until next week, Keep It Five Star!