Yes. The Unthinkable has happened. #ScumbagSheamus is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion. *Sigh* Let’s just get to RAW. Maybe New Day can cheer us up.
The Authority kicks off RAW talking Roman Reigns. They mock Roman Reigns for turning down the opportunity to be part of The Authority, and blame Reigns’ pride for why he is no longer the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. Stephanie McMahon says opportunity knocked twice for Roman Reigns and stands up for Triple H, claiming he was trying to be a good boss when he tried to shake Reigns’ hand.
Triple H introduces a man who knows how to seize opportunity, the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion, #ScumbagSheamus.
#ScumbagSheamus comes out and thanks The Authority for the introduction and the “love” from the WWE Universe. Despite the “You Look Stupid” chants, #ScumbagSheamus says there’s nothing the WWE Universe can say to ruin his moment. #Sheamus also mocks Roman Reigns for reaching the top of the mountain, then getting Brogue Kicked off. #Sheamus continues to talk about Roman Reigns’ reaction after losing, calling him pathetic. #ScumbagSheamus talks about his plan to win the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, then asks the WWE Universe, “Who Looks Stupid Now?”
Roman Reigns interrupts #ScumbagSheamus and The Authority. Reigns congratulates #ScumbagSheamus, then demands his WWE World Heavyweight Title rematch tonight. After a “YES” chant, Stephanie McMahon interrupts and lets Roman Reigns know that he won’t be getting a rematch due to spearing Triple H at Survivor Series. Stephanie demands Reigns backs up and get the hell out of his ring.
Roman Reigns asks Triple H if he’s standing behind Stephanie because she’s afraid of him. Stephanie backs away and Triple H and Roman Reign go face to face.
Once Reigns gets closer, Triple H lets Reigns know that he will get a rematch when he says he gets one. Suddenly, Reigns is attacked by the returning Rusev.
After a Brogue Kick by #ScumbagSheamus, Triple H lets Roman Reigns know that he’ll get his rematch at WWE TLC in a few weeks, but Reigns will have to face Rusev tonight. #ScumbagSheamus will be in Rusev’s corner.
But more on that later…
In happier RAW events, it’s the New Day’s one year anniversary and they want to celebrate with a New Day First Anniversary In-Ring Country Music Jamboree! The New Day comes down to the ring with fake horses and cowboy hats.
The New Day says it’s their official one year anniversary, then addresses a very serious situation: The fact that they have to spend their one year anniversary of Nashville: The capital of country music. Kofi Kingston says The New Day is about the Power Of Positivity, but when it comes to country music, Country Music sucks.
The New Day mocks country music themes like losing their girlfriend, pick-up trucks, dogs running away and tractors. Kofi says that the Power Of Positivity is your friend (Message).
Xavier Woods says The New Day will show you what country music should be.
Xavier Woods sings a song about booty. Big E is done with country music and Kofi Kingston says he hates is country music so much, that it’s not even his character talking, that’s how he actually feels.
The conversation switches to The New Day introducing a WWE Tag Team Championship Open Challenge. The New Day dances around the ring until they’re interrupted by the Lucha Dragons.
Kalisto tells The New Day doesn’t rock, The New Day runs and tries to start a “New Day Runs” chant. The Lucha Dragons accept The New Days challenge and wish them a Happy Anniversary.
The New Day and The Lucha Dragons are interrupted by The Uso, who also want a title shot. Sin Cara says they were out here first, but doesn’t mind making this a triple threat match. Big E tells The Usos and The Lucha Dragons that they ruined the New Days’ Jamboree. Kofi Kingston casts shame on both teams.
Xavier Woods cancels the The New Day Tag Team Open Challenge. The Usos and The Lucha Dragons respond by taking out The New Day and hitting Xavier Woods with an Uso Superkick.
In the Divas Division, Sasha Banks returns to RAW in a match against Becky Lynch!
Sasha Banks continues to impress.
While Becky Lynch tries to take The Boss to Bexplex City.
Becky Lynch catches Sasha Banks with the Disarm-her, but Team B.A.D. interferes. According to the internet, that is not the case.
Unfortunately, it is not as long as we hoped it would be. Sasha Bansk ends up getting the win with a roll up.
After the match, Paige interrupts on the Titantron and tells “Mr. Swole” Michael Cole, that Charlotte cheated to beat her at Survivor Series. Paige shows footage of Survivor Series, where Charlotte’s arm underneath the rope while using the Figure Eight. Paige calls Charlotte just like her Father, a dirty player. Paige calls Charlotte an embarrassment, just like her Father and will prove that tonight in a Divas Championship Rematch.
Charlotte says it doesn’t surprise her that Paige would pull this. Despite Charlotte’s respect for Paige as a competitor, she doesn’t care for Paige’s politics and will face Paige tonight.
Paige and Charlotte end up taking it to each other.
And end up wrestling to a double countout.
After the match, Paige does the PTO on Charlotte on top of the table.
Bray Wyatt and The Wyatt Family plan to sacrifice The Dudley Boyz. The Wyatt Family claim the Dudleyz will pay for The Brothers Of Destruction’s sins.
The Wyatt Family make quick work of The Dudley Boyz.
Mark Henry tries to test Neville in the ring and prove that he’s still got it. Neville gets a quick win. Henry shakes Neville’s hand and lets him know that he respects him and that he’ll be good.
Before Stardust and The Ascension face The Prime Time Players and Goldust, Titus O’Neil ends up invading Stardust’s lair. Titus is impressed with Stardust’s place and the two talk about stars until Titus brings up the star “Titania.” Stardust says there’s no such thing, until Titus points it out again and barks in Stardust’s ear.
Later, Goldust and The Prime Time Players defeat Stardust And The Ascension.
Alberto Del Rio and Zeb Colter come out to let the WWE Universe know that the borders of MexAmerica are closed forever. Colter mentions that they tried to bring everyone over to MexAmerica instead of the United States, but instead Americans went to Twitter, Facebook, Periscope, Grindr and Tinder, and became a bunch of haters. Alberto Del Rio says the same thing in Spanish (kinda) and to hell with the WWE Universe.
Jack Swaggers interrupts Alberto Del Rio and Zeb Colter, asking Colter what he’s doing. Swagger reminds Colter that he used to stand for America, then calls him an old, bitter, out of touch idiot. Del Rio interrupts and calls Swagger a “Stupid American.”
Jack Swagger mentions a promise to protect this country from all enemies, foreign and domestic. Swagger marches to the ring to challenge Alberto Del Rio.
After Alberto Del Rio leaves the ring with Zeb Colter, Jack Swagger leads the WWE Universe in a “We The People” chant.
Later, Heath Slater tries to sing a new song, but gets interrupted by Ryback.
Heath Slater hits Ryback with his guitar, then ends up getting Shellshocked for his troubles.
Dean Ambrose and Dolph Ziggler teamed up to face Kevin Owens and Tyler Breeze (with Summer Rae)
Ambrose and Ziggler were victorious.
Also, Mark Henry ate a Tex-Mex Burger and JBL Torito became a thing.
Now back to the main event: Roman Reigns vs. Rusev
Roman Reigns and Rusev have a competitive match
Roman Reigns almost gets the win until he is taken out by King Barrett.
Roman Reigns eventually gets the upperhand when he finds a steel chair and beats down Barrett, Rusev and #ScumbagSheamus.
…And that was RAW. I don’t know what to tell ya, but see you next week!
If you come back that is. Please come back…