#3MBatista – Zach Looks Back: The Punjabi Prison Match

In Zach Looks Back, your humble wrestling fan takes a look at classics found on the WWE Network. We’re using the term ‘classics’ loosely.

For the past few months, everyone has been talking about the momentum of one of the greatest superstars of this or any generation. He gets a reaction anytime he is on TV. He’s not your stereotypical wrestler. He’s a former champ set to be in a high profile match at Wrestlemania. You know who I’m thinking about. If you know, chant YES! YES! YES! for the one and only, BATISTA!!!

batistajazzhandsCourtesy of Reddit

Batista has come a long ever since donning a suit vest and carrying around a collection plate for D-Von Dudley. He’s overcome many criticisms like people saying that he looks like a mid-40s grandfather who tries to hard or that he wears skinny jeans too much or that only Michael Cole has a worse collection of tattoos. Others argue that his career was due to Randy Orton’s post-Evolution failure, or his friendship with Eddie Guerrero or the series of matches he had with Rey Mysterio where Rey carried The Animal through and through.

Well, I say, BOO! Batista is a National Treasure – from Washington D.C. no less – and should be treated as such.

3MB_20140324RAW_010To illustrate his main event status and ability to have 5-star matches, let’s go back to 2007 and No Mercy. Perhaps one of the greatest PPVs of all time, featuring CM Punk vs. Big Daddy V, not one, two, but THREE HHH matches, and a show so good that five of the competitors on the show are still employed by the WWE. The main match we need to review, and study for future generations, is Batista vs. The Great Khali.

BatistaKhali_3MB

During this time period, Khali was crushing the heads of everyone left and right. From Funaki to the Hardys, nobody’s skull was safe from Khali’s hands. Nobody…except for our man Big Dave! Batista returned to the WWE and took the belt back from Khali with a beautiful spine buster.

BatistaKhali03_3MBSome argue that picking a man up and placing him gently down on his back should not make a world title win. To those I say, have you tried picking up The Great Khali?

PrimoKhali_3MBPrimo to lift The Great Khali on Saturday Morning Slam

Yea…not so easy is it?!

Now, their first encounter was epic; there was only one way to up the ante. The PUNJABI PRISON MATCH! The two men would step foot into the squared circle, which is surrounded by 25 foot tall bamboo, which is surrounded by 50 foot tall bamboo! (Don’t quote me on those numbers).

3MBatista_PunjabiPrison_001The rules were simple: the competitors would have to escape both cages. The first cage has four gates, each can only stay open for 60 seconds. Once the 60 seconds are over, the gate would be locked and the competitors would stay inside the razor sharp bamboo. If they made it past the first cage, they still had to escape the second cage.

Screen Shot 2014-03-31 at 12.13.57 AMLike I said, simple.

The match begins with several punches and kicks, and the Great Khali fell victim to the age-old trap that affects all giants: his arms got caught in the ring ropes! Now a tattooed indy star may take this chance to simply escape the cage within seconds since Khali had his arms stuck. But not our tattooed WWE-made star ! No no, he wanted to inflict punishment upon the mammoth Punjabi Playboy. Khali gets out of the ropes and chops Big Dave. He goes for a cage door, but Batista easily gets up and grabs onto Khali’s foot for a minute, making sure he couldn’t escape.

BatistaKhali04_3MBBrilliant move from a brilliant man!

Khali then hits Batista with a big boot, foot choke and leg drop, but that wasn’t enough to put our man down. Batista comes back with a spear and then goes for another gate. However, Batista knew the fans wanted a competitive match, and he let Khali come back to inflict more punishment. What a guy is our pal Dave!

BatistaKhali05_3MBThe Great one then comes back with a rope to choke out Dave, along with a leather strap. Would that stop Batista? NO! He gave Khali a spinebuster as he went for the third gate.

BatistaKhali11_3MBHow strong and powerful is the Animal? What a move by Big Dave.

Batista nearly powerbombs Khali out of the corner, but Khali escapes with his catlike reflexes, leading to a vice grip that would incapacitate Dave. Khali threw down Batista and tried to escape the last door, leading to him being one cage away for freedom while Batista had two cages. Batista came back though, and fans were in store for sudden death overtime!

BatistaKhali06_3MBWith no more doors to open, both men were ready to climb over the bamboo structure. Now when I say climbing wrestlers, the first people you think of are Khali and Batista. Khali made his way over first, with Batista lying on the mat watching his title hopes evaporate.

BatistaKhali08_3MBKhali climbs the second cage, but here comes, you guessed it, our guy DAVE! He climbs the first quickly, and then in one of the most awe inspiring moves of all time, he JUMPS CAGES! He jumped a whole foot across to a cage that was basically the old blue Saturday Night Main Event cage, and was now further than Khali in the climb.

BatistaKhali09_3MBHe scales the second cage and beats Khali, retaining his title in an instant five star classic.

BatistaKhali10_3MBHow good was this match? Well let’s just say they will never have this match again. Some argue they will never have this match again because of complicated rules, a cage you couldn’t see through and plodding wrestlers involved, and to that I say stop arguing with me! This is my column! I say 5 Star Match, best match ever, and a match that must be viewed by wrestling fans the world over to laugh at applaud.

DEAL WITH IT!

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2 Responses to #3MBatista – Zach Looks Back: The Punjabi Prison Match

  1. Pingback: Zach Looks Back: Royal Rumble 2011 | Three Man Booth

  2. Dan Borowski says:

    Hahahahahahahahaha. “How good was this match? Well let’s just say they will never have this match again.” Wishful thinking, I guess. What in the world are WWE writers thinking?

    Like

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