So That Happened: 08/05/13

Stephanie McMahon welcomes us to Monday Night RAW! Stephanie McMahon tells us that Mr. McMahon doesn’t care for Daniel Bryan as Champion, and that Triple H thinks Bryan would make a great champion.

Stephanie McMahon brings up her idea of giving Daniel Bryan a makeover and says Bryan was a good sport about it. Stephanie shows us a montage of Daniel Bryan’s makeover.

Daniel Bryan is shown getting a manicure/pedicure, getting a new suit and eating a steak.

Stephanie McMahon introduces the NEW Daniel Bryan

Note: She would later regret that Tweet.

Courtesy of Shadwick

#CoolMomSteph loves her pop culture references

Stephanie McMahon compliments Daniel Bryan then gives him the microphone. Bryan asks if the WWE Universe likes his makeover (They don’t.) Daniel Bryan thanks Stephanie McMahon for the makeover, but thinks that this look is not the look that the company actually wants. Bryan thinks the company likes someone who’s jacked up, wears cargo shorts and a bright yellow t-shirt, and can sell someone a bunch of stuff you don’t actually need. I.E.: John Cena.

Daniel Bryan says he respects John Cena for picking him as his opponent for Summerslam, but knows Cena thinks that Bryan can beat him. Bryan says that John Cena is a Superstar who’s in movies and on the cover of cereal boxes, while he is 5’8, has a scraggly beard and lives in the middle of nowhere. Bryan says despite all this, the reason that he can beat John Cena is because Cena is an entertainer and Daniel Bryan is a WRESTLER.

Daniel Bryan says while John Cena has been in sold out arenas for the past 10 years, he hasn’t seen the holes that Bryan has dragged himself out of because Bryan is a WRESTLER. Bryan says the funny thing that Cena doesn’t like to admit is if John Cena gets fired tomorrow, he goes back to his lavish lifestyle and will never wrestle again. If Daniel Bryan gets fired tomorrow, and he just might since it happened before, you will see him in every armory, gymnasium etc. in a wrestling ring because he loves wrestling!

Daniel Bryan asks if the WWE Universe loves wrestling too and they chant “YES!” Bryan says that he will do the corporate thing for now because at Summerslam, he will make John Cena tap out! Daniel Bryan starts chanting “YES!” until Mr. McMahon comes out and interrupts him.

Mr. McMahon compliments Daniel Bryan on giving the Corporate Makeover the “Ole College Try”, but then starts mocking his fashion sense. McMahon claims he’s just messing with Daniel Bryan, then reminds him that he doesn’t want either John Cena or Daniel Bryan to be WWE Champion. McMahon admits that he’s kind of warming up to the idea of Daniel Bryan as a WWE Champion, then asks McMahon asks the WWE Universe what if they had Daniel Bryan as WWE Champion and that the WWE’s never had a dwarf as a WWE Champion, who also has the muscularity of a toothpick and the face of a gargoyle. McMahon says that Daniel Bryan reminds him as a miniature Mick Foley.

Mr. McMahon says if Daniel Bryan wants to be WWE Champion, and wants Mr. McMahon’s influential support, there’s one more thing Bryan needs to do and that’s shave the beard!

Mr. McMahon requests the barbershop chair. As the chair comes down, Daniel Bryan says “NO!” which the WWE Universe agrees with, but McMahon says that the WWE Universe doesn’t know what they want. McMahon tells Bryan that if the WWE Universe truly wants him to be WWE Champion, then Bryan will do what he says.

Mr. McMahon threatens to fire Daniel Bryan then tries to talk him into shaving the beard. After trying the “nice” approach, McMahon yells at Bryan and tells him to get in the chair. Daniel Bryan reluctantly sits in the chair.

Mr. McMahon asks for a a barber, or someone who keeps their hair well groomed. Someone like Wade Barrett. McMahon brings Wade Barrett out to shave Daniel Bryan’s beard.

Courtesy of preston-pride

Wade Barrett tries to talk Daniel Bryan into shaving the beard. Mr. McMahon gets on one knee and tries to persuade Daniel Bryan to shave the beard. McMahon tells Bryan that Wade Barrett’s grandfather used to be a barber.

Daniel Bryan tries to give Wade Barrett instructions on shaving the beard, but tricks Barrett and quickly headbutts him. Bryan puts Barrett in the chair then starts shaving Wade Barrett’s beard!

Wade Barrett tries to attack Daniel Bryan, but Bryan throws him over the guardrail.

After chanting “YES,” Daniel Bryan tells Mr. McMahon that he refues to change. Bryan says he is going to be who he’s always been and he is going to be WWE Champion. Daniel Bryan takes off his shirt and reveals his “The Beard Is Here” T-Shirt!

Match 01: Alberto Del Rio vs. Rob Van Dam

Justin Roberts welcomes back RicRod!

Christian is shown watching the match on TV…very awkwardly.

RicRod sets up the bucket in the corner for Alberto Del Rio to cheat, but Alberto Del Rio ends up getting tossed face first into the bucket!

Winner: Rob Van Dam

Post-Match, Alberto Del Rio viciously attacks RicRod.

Alberto Del Rio starts beating  RicRod with the bucket.

Alberto Del Rio puts RicRod’s head between the steel steps then dropkicks the steps! No one comes out to help.

Cody Rhodes Speaks:

Cody Rhodes has a box with him. Cody talks about Damien Sandow’s attack on last week’s Smackdown then says he has a gift for Damien Sandow. Before he reveals the gift, he recaps his rivalry with Smackdown.

Cody Rhodes reveals that his gift for Damien Sandow is the Money In The Bank Briefcase that was in the Gulf Of Mexico. Rhodes tells Sandow that his gift is a little damp, but if he wants it, come and get it.

Damien Sandow comes out and tells Cody Rhodes to put the case down and leave the ring. Cody Rhodes puts the briefcase down and leaves. As soon as Sandow goes for the briefcase, Cody Rhodes attacks Damien Sandow then kicks him out of the ring. Cody empties the briefcase, picks up Sandow’s contract then gives Sandow back the briefcase.

Match 02: Mark Henry vs. Ryback

Ryback walks out of the match.

Winner: Mark Henry (via countout)

Backstage: The Bellas Twins are talking about how great they look and how hot they looked in Total Divas. Eva Marie walks up offers hairspray then talks about how Brie Bella made Natalya look silly last week.

Natalya walks up and The Bella Twins mock her by saying that Natalya being on “their show” Total Divas is a slap in the face. Natalya corrects Brie by actually slapping her in the face!

John Cena Speaks:

John Cena says it’s that time again and that he’s in a very familiar position once again. Cena says he’s used to being a target and that sometimes the people that chase the WWE Championship are just bad people, but sometimes he has to stand face to face in the ring with a true Fan Favorite like Daniel Bryan. Cena says this forces the WWE Universe to choose and a lot of them choose Daniel Bryan.

John Cena brings up Daniel Bryan’s promo from earlier and says there was a lot of truth to that, but there was also a lot of ignorance. Cena says Bryan wants to talk about the way he looks and acts, but that doesn’t make Bryan new. It makes Bryan seem just like The Rock, CM Punk and everyone else who has tried to challenge him. Cena tells Bryan that he’s not the first or the last, and just because Bryan doesn’t like his shirt or cereal, doesn’t mean he’ll change. Cena changes for no one.

John Cena brings up Daniel Bryan’s hard times. Cena says that he came back to work for the WWE 24 Hours after breaking his neck and shows us all his gross injured elbow, but says he’s still here. Cena calls Bryan out on glorifying wrestling on the indys and claims that that’s where Bryan is most comfortable and would much rather be.

John Cena says he wanted to give Daniel Bryan the chance to talk and now it’s his turn. Cena says he’s been here 12 years and Bryan is right, if he gets fired tomorrow, he’ll never wrestle again. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because he loves the WWE and would never tarnish the WWE Championship. Cena brings up Daniel Bryan glorifying indy wrestling again and thinks it’s like gloryfing playing Arena Football. Cena says WWE is like the NFL and in WWE, NFL stands for “Not For Long” if you keep focusing on your past and not what’s in front of you.

John Cena brings up Daniel Bryan saying that he can’t wrestle and mocks him on his originally. Cena says that millions of people say that all the time and how they’re saying it right now. Cena points the mic out to the crowd, but the crowd doesn’t seem very into participating tonight.

John Cena says he’s held the WWE Championship 11 times and that you don’t get lucky 11 times. Cena tells Daniel Bryan to underestimate him like all those people, but gets cut off by a boring chant.

John Cena says it sounds like the WWE Universe wants to see him and Daniel Bryan fight right now. After a “YES!” chant from the crowd, Cena says they’re as excited for Summerslam as he is because Daniel Bryan doesn’t realize that if he doesn’t beat John Cena at Summerslam, he’ll have to wake up and admit that he just wasn’t that good. Cena says that at Summerslam, the WWE Universe can root for whoever they want, but “RTIME=NOW” and “The Champ Is Here!”

John Cena gets cut off by Randy Orton, who walks out with the MITB Briefcase.

Randy Orton tells John Cena that he never ceases to amaze him, because Cena is always aware of the target on his back, but is unaware of the target that is staring him in the face.

Randy Orton says it doesn’t matter who walks out of Summerslam as the “WWE Title” (Oops.) What matters is Orton has a contract that guarantees he’ll be WWE Champion. Orton teases cashing in at Summerslam, the night after Summerslam or Wrestlemania, then says that the champ is here. Cena and Orton are interrupted by The Shield’s music.

The Shield gets ready to attack John Cena and Randy Orton, but Daniel Bryan runs in for the save!

Brad Maddox comes out and says that since no one seems to be able to get along tonight, he’s making a match: The Shield vs. John Cena, Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan tonight!

Match 03: Tons Of Funk vs. The Wyatt Family

Winners: The Wyatt Family

Bray Wyatt takes the mic and says The Devil’s Favorite Demon (Kane) is no monster, but he’s an illusion, a fairytale and a lie. Wyatt says he’s different because he’s the Man of 1,000 Truths and The Eater Of Worlds. Wyatt tells Kane to Follow The Buzzards.

Kane’s EXPLOSION goes off and Kane appears via Titantron!

Kane says when you pull the wings off of buzzards for fun, they become hard to follow. Kane says he doesn’t condemn Wyatt’s intentions, but he sees through his haze of cryptic words. Kane calls Wyatt out on wanting to maim, disfigure and mutilate everyone, but says he does the same things too. The only difference is Kane doesn’t do it to spread a message, he does it for his own personal amusement. Kane tells Wyatt that at Summerslam, he will find out why Kane is The Devil’s Favorite Demon, because no one does the Devil’s Work better than he does.

Kane tells Bray Wyatt that his family won’t be able to save him at Summerslam because they will be inside a Ring…Of…

No. Ring Of Fire. It’s A Ring Of Fire.

No. NOT Inferno Match. Ring Of Fire!

Screw it. It’s an Inferno Match.

Backstage: Josh Mathews asks CM Punk about his match tonight against Curtis Axel, but Punk wants to talk about Mr. Perfect and Bobby Heenan. Punk says when Mr. Perfect and Bobby Heenan were on camera together, Perfect still walked his own path, unlike Axel. Punk claims Axel doesn’t have a mind of his own and that Paul Heyman’s mouth is bringing Axel into fights he doesn’t want. Punk says he’s going to take care of Curtis Axel tonight, then he’s going to come for Paul Heyman. CM Punk turns his attention to Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman and says at Summerslam, the Beast will be neutered and Paul Heyman will lose everything.

Match 04: Kaitlyn vs. Layla

Layla reveals that the reason she attacked Kaitlyn was for attention. Layla says whether you’re Total Diva or a Regular Diva, you’d better watch your back because ALL. EYES. ON. HER. Oh yeah. She’s also Flawless again.

AJ Lee’s music plays and AJ Lee comes out to distract Kaitlyn.

Winner: Layla

Post-Match, AJ Lee and Layla walk off skipping together.

Match 05: Christian vs. Heath Slater

Heath Slater dances around, but gets hit with a spear.

Winner: Christian

Match 06: CM Punk vs. Curtis Axel

CM Punk goes for the Mr. Perfect Gum Slap.

CM Punk tries to attack Paul Heyman, but Brock Lesnar’s music plays.

And that’s exactly what Brock Lesnar does…

Curtis Axel tries to attack CM Punk, but gets hit with the GTS. CM Punk tries to take Brock Lesnar out with a chair, but Brock blocks it. CM Punk and Brock Lesnar start brawling. CM Punk gets the upperhand and even knocks Lesnar down, but gets taken out with a belly-to-belly suplex.

Brock Lesnar throws CM Punk in the ring and lamost hits him with an F-5, but CM Punk slides out and hits Brock with a chair! Punk almost hits Paul Heyman with the chair, but Lesnar grabs Punk and drops him with an F-5. Paul Heyman screams “HURT HIM” to Brock Lesnar and Lensar starts beating CM Punk with the chair.

Winner: CM Punk (via DQ) 

Backstage: Renee Young asks Paul Heyman, Brock Lesnar and Curtis Axel about their actions just now. Brock Lesnar decides to talk first…

Brock Lesnar mocks CM Punk being the best and says he’s the Beast AND Best in the world. Lesnar tells Heyman to say something “stupid.”

Paul Heyman tells Renee Young that he wants her to take this microphone and deliver this message to CM Punk. Heyman says CM Punk may not make it to Summerslam because next week, he’s going to walk out to that ring and call CM Punk out to a fight. That’s right. Paul Heyman challenged CM Punk to a fight.

Match 06: Fandango vs…

Fandango’s opponent is…

With new attire!

Winner: Kofi Kingston

Backstage: Triple H is on the phone until he’s interrupted by a crying Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie tells Triple H that Mr. McMahon bit her head off about the makeover segment and how he was embarrassed about Daniel Bryan.

Triple H says that no one wants to admit it, but Mr. McMahon has lost it. Triple H claims Mr. McMahon walks out and does whatever he wants, but enough is enough. Triple H calls out Mr. McMahon out on trying to ruin Summerslam just because Daniel Bryan would shave his beard. Triple H says he’s tired of this whole thing and he’s not going to watch this ship go down because of him. Triple H says he doesn’t know what Mr. McMahon has planned at Summerslam, but he guarantees that he’ll stop him.

Match 07: The Real Americans vs. The Usos

Zeb Colter rants about America, Green Bay and Cheese. This isn’t lazy writing. This is exactly what he did.

Winners: The Real Americans

Match 08: Dolph Ziggler vs. Big. E. Langston

Kaitlyn runs down to attack AJ Lee, but AJ Lee jumps on her.

AJ Lee and Kaitlyn brawl with each other in the ring. Big E. Langston takes advantage and drops Dolph Ziggler with the Big Ending.

Winner: Big E. Langston

Match 09: The Shield vs. Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton and John Cena

Seth Rollins tries to roll up Daniel Bryan, but Bryan turns it into a YES! Lock

The Shield attacks John Cena and Mike Chioda throws out the match.

Winners: John Cena, Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton (Via DQ)

After John Cena, Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton clear out The Shield, Orton RKO’s Daniel Bryan.

John Cena and Randy Orton stare at each other until The Shield try to attack them again.

John Cena and Randy Orton take out The Shield.

Randy Orton RKO’s John Cena

The Shield comes back in the ring and attacks John Cena.

The Shield takes out Daniel Bryan next. Rather than help out, Randy Orton walks away.

So That Happened:

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