Opening Segment: CM Punk vs. Big Show is announced tonight. CM Punk talks about being the Best In The World. Big Show interrupts him and tries to drop a “pipebomb” of his own, but fails.

CM Punk vs Big Show. Just because I wasn’t around yesterday doesn’t mean I deserve this.
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) July 17, 2012

Oh, Punk, come on. You sooo could have been on the first episode of Raw. That would have been you in the Max Moon costume.
— David Shoemaker (@AKATheMaskedMan) July 17, 2012

@prettyheartless WWE can’t let us Have it all. It’s like strippers. Yea, you get naughty bits in your face, but you can’t touch.
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

Las Vegas is The City on Win Big or Go Home. CM Punk: Won Big. Big Show: GO HOME! #RAW
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

@3ManBooth The Big Show is a hipster, and this is why we all hate him.
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) July 17, 2012

CM Punk you have the respect of all the WWE Universe. The “IWC” however, want you to turn heel. But when you do, they’ll turn on you again
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Match 01: Kofi Kingston and R-Truth vs. Prime Time Players for the
WWE Tag Team Championship

Kofi’s heel turn = he snaps on Lil Jimmy
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) July 17, 2012

Welcome to WWE’s Afro-American segment of the week. #RAW
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

I’m so ashamed I like Prime Time Players. It’s like Worldstar meets WWE.
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

AW is basically Flava Flav. He might get a show on the WWE network about finding a wife among rejected divas
— Alex M. Crimefighter (@failraiser) July 17, 2012

“Darren and Titus look very serious tonight” – Michael Cole (You can’t look serious with a giant gold star on your butt)
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

That is the Best Role R-Truth can Fulfill: A Stepping Stone for Kofi.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

I’m pretty sure Darren Young’s tights were the box design for a breakfast cereal in the 70s #WWE #Raw
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) July 17, 2012

@failraiser or a fuckin Watermelon.
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

Winners: Kofi Kingston and R-Truth

Kofi does all the work. R-Truth takes the credit. It’s Kofi’s Science Fair projects all over again.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Kofi Kingston’s Amazing, You Guys. The Way He Chooses To Hang Out with the Disadvantaged? We Should Try to be Like Him #BeKofi
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Backstage: Daniel Bryan apologizes to AJ for his actions. The Handsome Eve Torres interrupts and tells AJ and Bryan that they have a match against her and a mystery partner.

IT’S A VEGAS CALL GIRL….or EVE same thing #RAW
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

Eve mentions to AJ that payback is a…“well, you know the rest.” 

Wait, So Payback is Adorable? Attractive? Talented? Single? I’m Confused, Eve.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

DX Reunion Hype:

It’s the DX reunion no one asked for. #RAW
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

Can I Bring My Glowsticks from the Last DX Reunion or Do I Need to Get New Ones?
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Just admit it, #WWE. We’re having a 1000th #Raw celebration so you can bring back DX.
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) July 17, 2012

I am not ready to degenerate into something, fool. #StayHomeHBK
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) July 17, 2012

If there’s anything I’m sick of, more than anything. Is this two man Abbott & Costello DX Reunions.
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) July 17, 2012

Can I Bring My Glowsticks from the Last DX Reunion or Do I Need to Get New Ones?
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Ahh the bi-monthly DX reunion… #wwe #raw #notexciting
— Victoria (@prettyheartless) July 17, 2012

So DX Triple AND COO Triple H are going to be on RAW? Welp, there goes Curt Hawkins’ spot on RAW…
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Match 02: Zack Ryder vs. Alberto Del Rio

Look Who’s Back On #RAW! Curt Hawkins’ Former Partner, Zack Ryder!
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

@KeepItFiveStar over/under 90 seconds on this squash?
— Nick Kostos (@TheKostos) July 17, 2012

Del Rio’s gonna ruin Zack Ryder’s fist pump arm!
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

C’Mon, Give Zack Ryder the DQ Win. Chiapetta Put All His Money On It …
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Winner: Alberto Del Rio

You know Ryder, its sad when the Divas matches last longer than your own. #Raw
— Tenechia(@WWEsAngel_Nef) July 17, 2012

Post-Match, Del Rio attacks Zack Ryder until Rey Mysterio makes his returns.

Warning: The Reactions to Rey Mysterio get vulgar.

>.< OH GOD DAMN IT!
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

OH NO OH NO OH NO…RON #RAW
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

Oh fuckin’ dick mouth Rey Mysterio is here
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) July 17, 2012

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. GO AWAY RON MYSTERIO #RAW
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

>.< DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT! SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! FUCKIN REY MYSTERIO'S BACK! #Reycist
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

NOOOOOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo!! Anyone but Rey! #wwe #raw
— Victoria (@prettyheartless) July 17, 2012

Rey Mysterio and Alberto Del Rio brawl. Somehow Rey gets the upperhand.

Well Now We Know Rey Doesn’t Watch RAW. After Sin Cara, No One Should Run At ADR While He’s In the Ring.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

i hope the duct tape in his knees wears out
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) July 17, 2012

Really? REALLY? That hit really made Del Rio Ziggler sell into the ropes for the 619? >.< God I did NOT miss this…
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

“The 619 is back in service.” Okay, Cole.
— Saticoy Steel (@TimExiled) July 17, 2012

Del Rio! Why are you acting afraid of Rey Mysterio? He’s got tiny fists. It’s like being attacked by Pebbles Flintstone!
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Someone go check on @keepitfivestar, he might not be okay
— Alex M. Crimefighter (@failraiser) July 17, 2012

RAW 1000 Moments: Heath Slater develops Jobholm Syndrome

Shouldn’t Heath Slater’s favorite RAW Moment be the Nexus?
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

@3ManBooth or Papa Shango placing a curse on him.
— Not Regal (@RegalSays) July 17, 2012

Oh, I Want Need Some of That Delusion that Heath Slater Has.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Wow Heath Slater. I haven’t seen someone turn losing into winning like this since Wimp-Lo.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Match 03: Heath Slater vs. Rikishi 

Hey look Kelly Kelly, its Rafiki!Remember?
— Alex M. Crimefighter (@failraiser) July 17, 2012

Rikishi? He finally healed from that ankle injury?
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) July 17, 2012

Man, I Knew It Was Too Good To Be True. Where Rey Goes, Disappointment Follows … I Mean, Welcome Back Rikishi!
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Rikishi got faaaaaaaaat……ter.
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

Rikishi should’ve come out while The Usos did the Sima Tau to the Too Cool music
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

I like Rikishi..he’s..not a legend, but he’s doing it for DA ROCK.
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

Because raising the roof is still cool
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) July 17, 2012

Rikishi was more enjoyable when his ass wasn’t in high definition. #wwe #raw
— Victoria (@prettyheartless) July 17, 2012

Winner: Rikishi

Post-Match, Rikishi Dances With The Usos:

YES! YES YES YES!!!
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Awww this is cute!
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) July 17, 2012

This is cool #RAW
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

Well, @KeepItFiveStar …you SORTA called that one. #WWE #Raw
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) July 17, 2012

Okay. That was pretty neat. Never a Rikishi fan though.
— Saticoy Steel (@TimExiled) July 17, 2012

Okay this is pretty neat. Father and sons gettin down lol.
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) July 17, 2012

Passing That Boog-A-Loo Torch! Go Ahead, Rikishi!
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Scotty Too Hotty’s just happy that The Usos didn’t do the Worm. That’s all he’s got goin for him.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

I really liked Rikishi’s tribute to Umaga and Yokozuna. And him dancing with his kids, the Usos. Best return yet. #RAW
— Tyler Edwards (@Und3rAverageJoe) July 17, 2012

That wasn’t bad. They actually did that right. Uso’s came out, and a Umaga tribute.
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

Match 03: Daniel Bryan and AJ vs. The Miz and Handsome Eve Torres

“SHEEEEEEEEEEEEE LOOOOOOKS LIKE A HEEEEEEEEE!”
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Miz, You Went From Maryse to Eve? Suddenly, Palling Around with Alex Riley Doesn’t Look So Bad, Does It?
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

When did The Miz start smoking cigars and directing porn? #wwe #raw
— Victoria (@prettyheartless) July 17, 2012

Light it up! ajkb ckabcjab cjhsad ckj Light it up! dhcbkjavbckhadsckhackhLight it up! ahdchjavckjadschjacljksba LIGHT IT UP!! >.<
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

Daniel Bryan is Miz’s NXT Rookie & he was a better champion than Miz. Has a better catchphrase than Miz.And he grows a better beard than Miz
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

That’s Right, Miz. You’ve Missed a Few Things. Most Powerful Wrestler in the WWE: AJ.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Remember when Eve supposedly knew Brazilian-Jitsu? More like To Wong Foo. #LookItUp #ItsCleverDammit
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

Winners: Daniel Bryan and AJ

The team of Scott Pilgrim and Knives Chau beat Miz and Handsome Eve!
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Post-Match, Daniel Bryan confesses his love to AJ then proposes to her.

“AJ, I Love You Like a Fat Vegan Loves Flourless, Vegan Cake” – Daniel Bryan
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

He’s gonna put a ring on it. #RAW
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

Kevin Nash is lucky he’s not in this angle. He would have torn his quads getting down on one knee.
— Not Regal (@RegalSays) July 17, 2012

Is it legal to marry goats in Vegas?
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) July 17, 2012

You can just PUT the ring on their finger?! I didn’t know you can do that…
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Is this just going to be another wedding for Kane to interrupt? #WWE #Raw
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) July 17, 2012

AJ says “YES!”

AJ Says “YES!” and the Hopes and Dreams of Nerds Everywhere – Myself Included – Are Dashed. #NONONO
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Rey Mysterio returns and AJ gets engaged. It’s like the WWE doesn’t want me to watch anymore.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

So, That’s the end of the storyline? Are we gonna have Kane And Punk crash the wedding but first crash other weddings, like Owen and Vince?
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, Not Owen Hart and Vince McMahon,lol.
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

Match 04: Ryback vs. Jack Swagger:

Hey! Jack Swagger gets an entrance this week. Good for him.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Oh man, Biff Swagger. How will he lose tonight? #RAW
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

Careful Jack, You Don’t Want to Exhaust Yourself BEFORE the Loss …
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Jack Swagger ACTUALLY gets offense on Ryback!

Swagger DON’T STOP! KEEP Attacking! DON’t Taunt! JUST ATTACK!
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

Who’s this guy and what happened to Jack Swagger?
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Ryback gets his offense back.

Okay. Now It’s Time To Lose. For a Second There, I saw the Skip Sheffield of Old.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Is Jericho going to call RyBack out on stealing his multiple powerbombs? #WWE #Raw
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) July 17, 2012

Ryback powerbombed Jack Swagger so many times that Swagger’s hair morphed back into his old haircut.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Winner: No Contest (AKA Ryback)

That doesn’t count as a loss for Swagger, So is Jack’s mind, He won.
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

Based on Jack Swagger’s performance, Ryback doesn’t need to be fed more. He just needs to be fed talented Superstars. That’s his kryptonite
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

If they really wanted to make RyBack Goldberg he would’ve been totally confused by a match with Regal by now. #WWE #Raw
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) July 17, 2012

Dolph Ziggler Money In The Bank celebration:

Dolph Ziggler lookin’ like an extra on Miami Vice.
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

You Can Still #ZiggleWiggle In a Suit. Just Saying, Dolph.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

No #SuitedUpZiggleWiggle ?
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Dolph Ziggler is interrupted by Chris Jericho!

Yes! This will be a great program.
— Saticoy Steel (@TimExiled) July 17, 2012

Jericho vs Ziggler feud…I’m down
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

Rey returns and AJ gets engaged, but now there’s a possibility of a Jericho/Ziggler feud? RAW, you are a clever temptress!
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Jericho hates shirts
— Tom Sherwood (@TomQWood) July 17, 2012

Ziggler/Jericho. I’d like to see it.
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) July 17, 2012

“HONEY? WHERE’S MY ROCKSTAR JEANS!?” – Jericho at home #TheIncredibles #Frozone
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

Dolph Ziggler calls Chris Jericho out on a “lackluster” return then claims Y2J lost his touch.

Is Chris Jericho doing the silent thing again?
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Ziggler is going all in on this promo.
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

Chris Jericho responds with a Codebreaker then leaves.

and Codbreaker #Scene #RAW
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

…And he did that in Skinny Jeans! You’re such a rockstar, Jericho.
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

I would love for someone to play “YOU GOT THE TOUCH!” right now for Chris Jericho
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

“YOU GOT THE TOUCH, YOU GOT THE POWEEEEEEEEER!” #Transformers #Jericho @KeepItFiveStar
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) July 17, 2012

That Jericho / Dolph Segment Was Like a Trailer For Looper, Where Joseph Gordon Levitt Somehow Grew Up to Be Bruce Willis?
— LeKeith (@lekeithlewis) July 17, 2012

@Miss_Dani_Baby I’m Not Sure. I Haven’t Seen the Movie Yet.
— LeKeith (@lekeithlewis) July 17, 2012

My favorite #WWE #Raw moment is when they stopped playing those Tout videos
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) July 17, 2012

Match 05: Brodus Clay vs. JTG:

Brodus Clay, you’re late! Jack Swagger already got beaten up tonight.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

For #RAW1000, Can Brodus Clay Be Allowed To Roam Free? No More Captivity, Please.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Two dancing Fat man segments tonight, a new record #RAW
— B. Bully Fett (@WellYoureWrong) July 17, 2012

Funkin up your RAW Funkin up your RAW Funkin up your RAW aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) July 17, 2012

Hey! JTG! What were the Vegas Odds on JTG being on RAW?
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

IS THAT JTG!? IN TIGHTS!? WHAAAT!?!? Did he grow up, leave the childish antics behind? Get a job in Middle Management?
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

Winner: Brodus Clay 

WWE needs to steal from Aziz Ansari/Zach Galifinakis and have JTG be Jack Swagger’s “Swagger Coach”
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Post-Match, Brodus Clay dances with the children.

This Only Goes to Show: When the Dancing is Longer Than The Match, It’s a Good Time.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

I get an ulcer every time I see awkward lil kids dance with brodus clay.
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

Match 07: CM Punk vs. Big Show:

Put CM Punk in the Main Event. Center RAW about John Cena’s Big Announcement. #ScumbagWWE
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Who is this ONE Big Show fan? Is he the guy that has been saying “Boo-urns” instead of “boo” this whole time?
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Big Show’s ONLY Fan Just Happened to Be in the Front Row Tonight. His Wish Came True.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Big Show pushes Mike Chioda. Chioda has the “Not cool, bro!” face then disqualifies Big Show.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

You guys are still watching Raw? What troopers you are!
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) July 17, 2012

Winner: CM Punk

Post-Match, Big Show attacks CM Punk.

This Is Why Nobody Like You, Big Show. You Start Flailing Your Arms Around Like a Giant Baby.
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

and lol Big Show screaming like that. OOORRRRRGGHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH
— Max Hunter (@KickStunner) July 17, 2012

John Cena runs down with the MITB briefcase.

I predict Cena will vow only to cash in his briefcase in a sanctioned match – this after he describes how grueling the match was for 10 mins
— Bill S. Preston, Esq (@Miss_Dani_Baby) July 17, 2012

Cena grabs a mic so he can win by boring @CMPunk to death. #wwe #raw
— Victoria (@prettyheartless) July 17, 2012

Big Show attempts to get John Cena to cash in on CM Punk.

Man, Big Show is WINDED. CM Punk made him work tonight.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Big Show’s so winded that he’s saying his promo from the start of RAW.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

Apparently When Big Show is Out of Oxygen, He Gets Really Good At Observations. “Isn’t That Your Designed Belt?” “Look! A Referee!”
— ThreeManBooth (@3ManBooth) July 17, 2012

Big Show sounds like Kevin from The Office after running to Crazy Train.
— Saticoy Steel (@TimExiled) July 17, 2012

Cena screaming “NO” like someone was leaving the crusts on his PB&J #WWE #Raw
— DonnyBrook Boys (@donnybrookboys) July 17, 2012

Everyone knows John Cena won’t cash in when the opponent is weak, He’s too straight laced for that. #Superman #BoyScout
— hates rednail polish (@YourBoyDrew) July 17, 2012

John Cena reveals that he’s going to cash in next week on the 1000th RAW.

I woulda popped if Cena had said his huge announcement was he fixed the handle on his briefcase. #WWE #RAW
— IllegalForeignObject (@IFOWrestling) July 17, 2012

John Cena reveals his REAL big announcement which is just him hitting Big Show with the briefcase.

Hitting someone with a briefcase isn’t an announcement, Cena. It’s assault.
— Langdon Alger (@KeepItFiveStar) July 17, 2012

John Cena vs. CM Punk is the Main Event of RAW 1000.

Pretty sure Cena was number one contender anyway.
— Saticoy Steel (@TimExiled) July 17, 2012