So That Happened, 5/07/12:
This recap is in no way affiliated with The WWE, Monday Night Raw
or USA’s Common Law.
or USA’s Common Law.
Recaps on Caps on Caps – J-Pop America Fun Time Now vs. John Cena
RAW begins with John Laurinaitis making his way to the ring to explain his actions against John Cena. Basically, Laurinaitis wants Cena and everyone else to “Respect His Authoritah!” Big Johnny’s particularly mad that Cena called him an idiot and a corporate jackass. Laurinaitis claims he lost his temper and went into a fit of destruction. I think John Laurinaitis is just a victim of the “Chain Of Screaming.” McMahon berates him; He berates Cena.
John Laurinaitis says he’s gonna continue where “Brock Cena” left off and the reason that he wasn’t reprimanded by the Board Of Directors because he’s tough but fair. What really happened was – just like the rest of the wrestling world – half of the board is Team Cena and the other half thinks Cena Sucks. Laurinaitis says Cena won’t be here tonight but will be doing an interview with Michael Cole via satellite (The Pot Calling The Kettle Rock) to apologize about making fun of his voice. Maybe it’s not John Laurinaitis’s voice people are making fun of. Maybe it’s the fact that he can’t get through a sentence without botching it.
John Laurinaitis goes on and on then shows a Microsoft Slideshow about his time in Japan. It loses all respect from me because The Patriot is in it. Finally, Laurinaitis is interrupted by CM Punk sporting a small hobo beard. Is it Hobo Beard Season already? Punk says Laurinaitis doesn’t know what the people want and mentions that the WWE doesn’t want to see Laurinaitis. Punk also believes that Laurinaitis is just frustrated because he put a lot of stock into Brock Lesnar and Cena ruined that. I know how Big Johnny feels. I bought WWE stock once, and then John Cena did the same thing.
John Laurinaitis asks if Punk is finished and Punk proceeds to tell him that he’s “stupid, ugly and has no friends.” Not as funny as the Big Show burn but still accurate. John Laurinaitis punishes CM Punk (and us) by making CM Punk face Lord Tensai. Punk’s okay with it and mentions that he’s looking forward to Cena twisting John Laurinaitis like a pretzel. The announcers keep putting over Pipebomb, making it uncooler every time they say it.
Backstage: John Laurinaitis is texting until he bumps into Big Show. Big Show’s soiled leaf camouflage must be working because Laurinaitis didn’t see him at all! Big Johnny yells at Big Show and Big Show, being the mature adult he is, mocks him behind his back. The Handsome Hoeski, Eve Torres catches this and gives Big Show a disapproving glare. It’s okay, Eve. I have the same look of disgust when I see Big Show too. Eve’s going for the Hot For Teacher look but it makes her look like she has Zelda ears. I guess it works since Zelda’s a hoeski too.
Match 01: Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show (Intercontinental Championship)
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOA-OOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!
I wonder what AJ Styles thinks of Cody Rhodes’ “hooded entrance.” Big Show makes his way to the ring and does the hat thing again. What kids will do with a stretched out hat, I have no idea.
Big Show attacks Cody and rather than put on a wrestling match he pummels him because that’s all the big lummox knows. Cody Rhodes remembers The Voice is on and decides to pull a Money Inc. and leave the match. Big Show tries to catch him, but fails at doing so. Cody Rhodes walks out, making Uncle Ted and Uncle Mike proud.
Winner: Big Show (via DQ. Still IC Champion, Cody Rhodes)
Big Show gets angry and yells for a microphone. He asks Cody to “not be like that” and “not take the coward’s way out.” Big Show makes an idle threat to go back there and find him when suddenly-
SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE’S AAAAAAAAAAA HOEEEEEEESSSSKIIIII!
The Handsome Hoeski makes her way to the ring and Big Show looks like a bully that knows he about to be sent to the Principal’s office. Eve wants Big Show to apologize for making fun of John Laurinaitis’s voice. After a piss-poor apology, Eve tells Big Show that outside of the WWE, there’s no use for a “7ft. tall, 440lbs, 40 year old freak.” Big Show reluctantly apologizes. Is it just me or does Eve get prettier with every Big Show insult?
Recaps on Caps on Caps – Kofi Kingston/R-Truth win the Tag Team Titles
Match 02: Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler
Kofi Kingston and R-Truth make their way to the ring. This tag team hurts my soul. Kofi’s better than this. He’s a Blue Barracuda for crying out loud! Vickie Guerrero introduces Dolph Ziggler. The #ZiggleWiggle returns! I shouldn’t be this excited to see a man shake his butt, but I am. Fun Fact: This is Kofi Kingston and Dolph Ziggler’s 332nd match against each other. One more and they get a free frogurt.
Lots of people seem to be interested in this match. The stars of The USA’s new show Common Law are watching because they’re conveniently fans of WWE RAW. A(braham)W(ashington), Primo, Epico and Rosa Mendes are watching because it’s the only way they’ll get on RAW. And Mason Ryan is watching the match because … well who’s gonna tell him no? This is the first non-Ryback match that many Superstars have watched in a while.
Kofi and Dolph go back and forth. Kofi almost wins, but is distracted when Vickie Guerrero gets on the apron. Rather than R-Truth help Kofi out, he decides to get on the apron and scream at Vickie. This allows Swagger to distract Kofi and help Ziggler to pick up the victory!
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
John Cena is shown (via satellite) prepping for his Michael Cole exclusive interview with Aziz Ansari’s less successful cousin, “Amir Ansari.”
John Cena Interview:
Michael Cole introduces the injured John Cena. Cena’s still sporting a sling. Cena says he’s medically cleared but he has to get his elbow drained due to John Laurinaitis’s attack. Cena mentions that the Doctors strongly recommend he doesn’t wrestle. Cena, being a Doctor himself (of Thuganomics), decides to go against their wishes because nothing’s keeping him out of the ring. Cole asks about the Board of Directors not reprimanding Laurinaitis and Cena mentions he told the Notorious B.O.D. to not do anything to until after Over The Limit. Cena mentions that he’s going to do what every WWE Superstar and the Universe wants to do and kick John Laurinaitis’ass. Maybe CM Punk needs to talk to John Cena, because I’m sure that’s not what The WWE Universe wants either. CM Punk should just write a book about it. “Act like a Wrestler. Think Like A Fan.” It worked for Steve Harvey!
Backstage: Kelly Kelly and Layla are seen walking to the ring having a mini Extreme Expose reunion. There was supposed to be a Hologram Brooke Tessmacher, but the hologram rumor got out on the dirt sheets so they scrapped it.
Match 03: Kelly Kelly and Layla vs. Natalya and Maxine
Natalya and Maxine are shown in the ring arguing. Natalya pushes Maxine for no reason and Beth Phoenix is shown on commentary. She’s sick of talking about her ankle. I didn’t know she spoke about it. She rarely speaks. Kelly Kelly makes her way out to the ring. I’ve yet to hear girls in the club say “Hoo!” So I don’t know how they do.
You’re not enough for me! WHOOOOOOA NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Layla comes out all smiles and hugs K2 like they’re friends. Layla and Kelly did a little booty bonding , but the camera foolishly cut away. Layla looks ready to introduce herself to Maxine but Maxine has no interest in making friends. Natalya tries to help her partner and gets yanked off the apron by Kelly Kelly for her efforts. It was brutal! Kelly Kelly even did an Ultimate Warrior like sprint. Layla hits the Lay-Out on Maxine for the win. Also during this match, we find out it’ll be Beth Phoenix vs. Layla for the Divas Championship at Over The Limit.
Winner: Extreme Expose
Thurman’s “Sparky” Plugs: Santino’s Foreign Exchange on WWE’s Youtube
Justin Roberts introduces Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer, RicRod. RicRod does his Del Rio introduction as Del Rio comes out in an expensive car. Chris Jericho comes out in an expensive Technicolor jacket. These two should be friends. They have expensive taste. I’m officially dubbing this team DelRicho.
Match 04: Randy Orton and Sheamus vs. DelRicho
Michael Cole clearly has nothing to say about Chris Jericho because he’s talking about John Cena and Facebook. Randy Orton comes out next to a Justin Bieber like reaction. Girls are actually shown screaming this time. I’m telling you. Orton is The Biebs.
IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!
Sheamus comes out with one good arm, beating hitting his chest screaming “Fella!” He sounds like he’s saying “Stella” and auditioning for a Streetcar named Desire. Maybe there’s a WWE Films Remake in the works that he’s auditioning for. This match is pretty solid. You can’t go wrong with these four in the ring. Lots of back and forth action by both teams. The ending of the match comes when Orton hits Del Rio with an RKO and Sheamus tries to Brogue Kick Jericho but ends up accidentally kicking Orton! Jericho takes advantage of this and hits a Codebreaker for the win.
Winners: DelRicho
Some people would argue that the big news is that Sheamus Brogue Kicked Randy Orton. I think the bigger news is Chris Jericho won with a Codebreaker. A REGULAR code breaker! For a while, I thought that move just rejuvenated the opponent. Jericho takes the World Heavyweight Championship and proclaims he’s the champion because he beat the champion (Makes sense.) Sheamus tries to help Randy Orton up and gets an RKO for his efforts. He should’ve known better.
Backstage: John Laurinaitis and Eve talk about Big Show’s terrible apology. Jericho barges in and says he should be the next World Heavyweight Champion. Del Rio argues with Jericho about the title shot. I guess DelRicho is already broken up. Orton barges in and says that if anyone deserves a title shot, it’s him. No it’s not, Randy. You just lost! Jericho tells Orton to mind his own business and gets punched for looking out for Orotn’s wellbeing. Del Rio and Jericho jump Orton (DelRicho reuinion!) until Sheamus comes in and attacks. After the heels are defeated, Sheamus confronts Orton about the RKO. Orton responds with, “Your clumsy ass kicked me in the face!” Best comment of the night. Sheamus and Orton argue until John Laurinaitis decides that the World Heavyweight Championship match is now a Fatal Four Way. Del Rio gets screwed out of his single’s #1 contender match, but you already knew that.
Match 05: Brodus Clay vs. The Miz
The Funkadactyls introduce Brodus Clay and Brodus Clay tells “The Funkateers” to put their hands together for them.
Funky Tuna Roll!
Funky Tuna Roll!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMMA!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMMA!!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMMA!!!!
SOMEBODY PLEASE COMB MY LLAMA!!!!
Brodus Clay does a PSA to remind everyone to call their Mama’s for Mother’s Day. He never thinks about the people who may not have good relationships with their moms. Pretty insensitive.
AWWWWWEEEEEEEEESOMMMMMMMMEEEEEE!
I CAME TO LAY!
I CAME TO LAY ON THE GROUND FOR THREE!
TIME FOR YOU TO GO AND GET THE VICTORY!
The Miz comes out spouting his “Really’s” and that he’s the most “Must See WWE Champion Of All Time.” You know. The stuff he always says. The Miz says if he wanted to face King Hippo, he’d play Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. Miz gets points for the King Hippo reference. He says that he wants Brodus Clay to call his Mama and tell her that he’s The Miz and he’s Awesome. Miz wins at Catchphrase Bingo tonight.
Brodus manhandles Miz at first and Naomi and Cam’ron laugh at him. The Miz gets in Cam’ron’s face and Brodus Clay chases after Miz just wanting to “Talk to him”, but Miz gets the upperhand. The Miz hasn’t just been playing Punch Out; he’s also been playing Tom and Jerry. This is the longest match Brodus Clay has had in a long time. The Funkadactyls are confused because usually they’re dancing by now. They really don’t know what to do right now. Miz puts up a solid effort against Brodus Clay but eventually falls victim to the Funk Splash.
Winner: Brodus Clay and The Funkadactyls
Recaps On Caps On Caps – WWE’s Be A Star Campaign.
The WWE never came to my school. You think I didn’t want to see Tatanka?!
Recaps on Caps on Caps – Brock Lesnar breaking Triple H’s arm
The announcers put over Triple H working despite his injury. They showed hilarious photos of Triple H working with his “broken arm.” Cole says Triple H will be here next week and that Brock Lesnar was invited to the show tonight, but declined. Instead we’ll get Lesnar’s “Legal Representative.”
Brock Lesnar’s Legal Representative:
Brock Lesnar’s theme plays and out comes “legal representative.” Paul Heyman! Thank God Paul Heyman is here. Now Brock never has to talk again. Heyman says Brock Lesnar feels betrayed by the WWE Universe and that Brock is an honest man. He mentions Brock Lesnar asked Heyman to personally come here to read Brock Lesnar’s “Personal Statement” from his Tumblr blog, complete with animated gifs to show his emotions. Long story short, Brock Lesnar is angry and he’s “never coming back.” And that he quits. …Again.
Recaps on Caps on Caps – CM Punk making fun of John Laurinaitis
Backstage: Common Law and Big Show talk about Cody Rhodes running off and Big Show’s apology. They claim he shouldn’t apologize to anybody because he’s “The Show.” That’s not apologies work. Common Law claims John Laurinaitis might have pictures of someone and that’s why he’s keeping his job. If it’s the Kelly Kelly sink photo, we’ve all seen it. She has a small bladder. It’s time to let it go. Common Law makes fun of John Laurinaitis and Big Show can’t help but laugh wholeheartedly. Unfortunately for Show, he has terrible timing because The Handsome Hoeski, Eve catches him laughing and is not happy. Big Show hangs his head in shame while Eve glares. The only thing missing from this was a Ron Simmons “DAMN!”
Match 06: CM Punk vs. Lord Tensai
CM Punk comes out, but John Laurinaitis changes the match to a handicap match
Match 06: CM Punk vs. Lord Tensai and Daniel Bryan
Lord Tensai and Daniel Bryan beat the crap of CM Punk. Bryan goes for the Benoitstyle headbutt but misses. It’s his downfall as CM Punk gets the upperhand. Tensai tags himself in but CM Punk starts to use his Superface ability to win the match, but like The Naked Man, the Superface ability works 2 out of 3 times. Sheamus and Randy Orton used theirs tonight. Tough break, Punk. Punk loses to Lord Tensai’s “Shamrock Shake” palm finish after distractions from Mr. Sakamoto and Daniel Bryan.
Winners: Lord Tensai and Daniel Bryan
After the match, Daniel Bryan celebrates by “YES-sing” his heart out and placing CM Punk in the Yes Lock. Daniel Bryan continues to scream “YES!” and that CM Punk is “Not Better Than Him.” Last time he screamed that, he got fired so he needs to be careful. RAW ends with Daniel Bryan standing tall and CM Punk defeated on the ground.
So…That Happened: The Moral of tonight’s RAW was: Don’t cross the boss; even if he has a ridiculous voice. I like Daniel Bryan and CM Punk ending the show but I fear Lord Tensai’s potential involvement in the match at Over The Limit. Big Show constantly getting caught by Handsome Eve was a highlight for me. I can’t stand The Big Show, and I don’t like Eve but she’s the lesser of two evils. And she’s easier on the eyes than the bald guy in the soiled leaf costume. John Cena’s promo didn’t do much for me since I don’t care for the match, but it’s good to see John Cena with the majority of the crowd behind him. Maybe people are starting to turn around. Or, people just don’t wanna boo a titantron. The Orton/Sheamus vs. Delricho tag match was a highlight and those four at OTL should do good things. Also, more Maxine! Please!
That’s it for this week’s RAW Commentary. Please let me know what you think via comment on Twitter. Until next time, Keep It Five Star!
Three Man Booth 