When unable to tweet, Kyle will post Monday Night RAW commentary called, “So…That Happened.”
So That Happened, 4/23/12:
This recap is in no way affiliated with the WWE, Monday Night Raw and Doritos Locos Tacos.
RAW kicks off with the usual pyro and theatrics then goes right into the Contract Signing. Teddy Long is in the ring, per order of John Laurinaitis to host this contract signing. John Laurinaitis is such a nice GM. He knows there are two things Teddy Long loves. Tag Team Matches and Contract Signings. Teddy Long introduces John Cena as a “2 time WWE Champion and a 10 Time WWE Champion.” Cole mocks Long for his slip up. Lilian Garcia watches backstage just glad it wasn’t her this time.
John Cena comes out to his usual boos and chairs. Cena tells his BFF, Stu the camerman, “Motor City!” Stu the Cameraman was ironically wearing his Motorcity Machine Guns shirt. McMahon didn’t mind. He thought it was a band and that TNA is a record label. Cena also tells Stu that “He feels a little older today.” For those who don’t know it’s John Cena’s birthday! I wonder if John Cena gets mixed chants on his birthday. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY! YOUR BIRTH SUCKS!”
Teddy Long hypes Brock Lesnar by mentioning all of his accolades except for that giant NFL asterix. My Lesnar Vikings jersey sits in my closet of failed memorabilia with my Linsanity Shirt and my signed Chingy “Right Thurr” single. I make bad picks. Lesnar’s a little late. Not on CP Time but actually on Hulkster/Rock time. Rather than show up at the beginning of the show, he shows up when he wants.
John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and the General Manager of RAW and Smackdown comes out and says Teddy made a mistake and that Brock isn’t here yet. He forces Teddy Long to make John Cena to leave the ring. Long doesn’t wanna do it. Especially on Cena’s birthday! But it’s his job and forces John Cena to leave the ring. Cena actually stays in the ring and Teddy leaves. This guy can’t do anything right. Laurinaitis introduces himself and People Power and all of a sudden….
YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME!
Edge’s theme song hits and he makes a surprise visit to RAW! Detroit pops huge as Cena stands in the ring looking concerned. He knows Edge isn’t here to wish him a Happy Birthday. Cena can’t catch a break. First Dwayne, then Brock, then Albert, now Edge. Who’s next for Cena? Carlito? I can only hope.
Edge tells the world that he normally wouldn’t be out here and drops the bombshell that his contract with the WWE expires in a few days (Dixie Carter’s ears just perked up) Edge turns his attention back to Cena and says that he didn’t come out here to talk to John Cena, the depressed birthday boy who dresses like Luigi. He wants to talk to the John Cena who beat him in a TLC Match in his home town. The Cena who threw him in the river, and the Cena that was a huge cock block during his Live Sex Celebration. Okay, he didn’t say the last one but he thought about it!
Edge mentions that Brock Lesnar left while guys like him and Cena busted their ass for 8 years. Edge says Cena has to win for guys like Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker, and himself. It was cool, but weird to see Edge putting Cena over like this. It’s like The Joker putting over Batman. Vegeta putting over Goku, Nas putting over Jay-Z! Edge continues to guilt trip Cena and tells him to wake up, and that he’s not asking Cena to beat Brock Lesnar. He’s TELLING. Edge leaves the ring as Cena stands there with the “Worst Birthday Ever” face.
Match 1: Kofi Kingston vs. Chris Jericho
Chris Jericho makes his entrance with his Wrestlemania light up jacket. Jericho is really prepared for the 4th of July. Cole and Lawler plug a WWE.com article about Jericho being the “new cerebral assassin” Triple H leaves a big “LOL” in the comments section. Followed by Stephanie McMahon with a “ROFLMAO.”
S.O.S! YOU KNOW I’M JOBBIN! S.O.S! WHY AM I TRYINNNNNN! (I’M JOBBIN!)
Kofi Kingston comes out to the ring. He’s very enthusiastic for someone who’s about to lose. The match begins and Kofi Kingston gets the upperhand. Kofi even surprises Jericho with a few moves from Jericho’s 1,004 moves list. ARMDRAG AND AN ARMBAR! It’s hard to not be a Chris Jericho wanna be when he’s invented 1,004 moves. Jericho takes control with a thumb to the eye then proceeds to puts his hand to his ear “Hogan style.” As long as that’s all Jericho imitates from Hogan, I’m fine. I don’t think anyone wants to see Chris Jericho’s Sex Tape.
Kofi and Jericho have a great back and forth match, Kofi hits his arsenal of Cross Bodies, S.O.S’s and Boom Drops and looks ready to win the match, but Jericho counters the Trouble In Paradise and then catches Kofi in mid-air with a Codebreaker! Rather than get the pin, Jericho puts Kofi in the Lion Tamer forcing him to tap out. If DDP Yoga allows Jericho to do the Lion Tamer more often, then I approve.
Winner: Chris Jericho. Not a surprise to anyone over the age of 8, but even they had their suspicions.
After the match, Chris Jericho gloats about his victory over Kofi and says this Sunday at Extreme Rules, he’ll become the new WWE Champion. Jericho claims CM Punk knows all about being extreme. Rather than talk about CM Punk’s ECW tenure, Jericho talks about Punk’s extreme father family, drug addict sister and delusional mother and calls him a failure. Jericho’s loving the extreme references tonight. Jericho says he sent a gift to CM Punk tonight to remind him that once Punk loses the title, Jericho will prove he’s the Best In The World At Everything He does. (Except for dancing. He’s 7th)
WWE’s Revision of History Presents: Brock Lesnar’s debut in the WWE.
Brock Lesnar destroys Jeff Hardy while Lita looks on wondering if she made the right choice. Spoiler Alert: She moves on. It wasn’t Brock’s official debut, but it displays him as a monster and was a good video package. Also, you do get to see the progression of Teddy Long from referee to GM for 7 years. Who says you can’t move up in the corporate world?
Backstage, John Laurinaitis is backstage the phone. His giant People Power sign and white suit makes him seem more like Colonel Sanders every day. All he needs is a mustache and a dash of racism.
The Handsome Hoeski, Eve Torres comes into Ace’s office to “talk” Johnny says that he and David had been talking (Over coffee no doubt) and has promoted Eve Torres to an “Executive Administration Position” which is about as important as Doug Funnie’s key to the executive washroom. Eve is thankful for the opportunity. Laurinaitis goes in for the hug, but Eve shakes his hand. It’s okay, Big Johnny. Imagine if you did hug her. Best Case Scenario: You get bronzer over your suit. Worst Case Scenario: You end up with Hoeski-titis.
Next, we’re reminded of Brock Lesnar’s dominance by showing the video from last week where he talks about Cena’s bowels. If John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar in April looks familiar to you, don’t Quantum Leap back to 2003. You’ll be pleasantly surprised!
Next up, Josh Mathews interviews CM Punk and asks his very hard hitting question about Jericho’s gift. How is CM Punk getting gifts on John Cena’s birthday. Man, everyone must really hate Cena. Punk shows Mathews Jericho’s gift: A liquor basket full of all of our favorites, Jack Daniels, Jim Bean, and a few colognes to spray away the shame of whatever you do that night. CM Punk says he has no clue what to do with it (Kelly Kelly calls dibs) and gives Josh Mathews the basket, but keeps the JD. Mathews looks like a kid on Christmas morning. Kelly Kelly is furious because she called dibs. Does dibs mean nothing anymore?!
Match 2: R-Truth vs. Lord Tensai
R-Truth comes out with “Little Jimmy” routine and does his weird Goof Troop buddy-buddy entrance with the air. You don’t have imaginary friends, Truth. You’re a grown man. Act like one. Lord Tensai (Albert if you’re a jerk) comes out to the ring with Sakomoto which means it’s time for R-Truth to learn “disciprine.” If anyone needs to learn “disciprine” it’s the obnoxious black stereotype. But first teach him how to spell it the right way.
We’re get a pre-tape of Lord Tensai showing everyone how fluent he is in Japanese. Tensai reminds me the SNL skit with the two students really into Japanese Culture. I’d pop if Jason Sedakis came out and corrected everything Tensai did. Not your typical Tensai match. R-Truth actually gets offense. C’mon Albert. It’s K-Kwick! You can do this! Tensai gets the upperhand, screams in R-Truth’s face “ICHIBAN” (Which he learned from Fire Pro Wrestling) then hits the Derailer. Then Tensai spits Chloraseptic onto his hands and sticks it in R-Truth’s braids for the win. I don’t care for either guy, but anyone who beats up R-Truth gets a gold star from me.
Winner: Lord Tensai
Backstage, Kane walks to the ring with his Casey Jones mask. He’s so confident he’ll win the Cosplay Content as Parts Unknown Comic Con this year! Unfortunately for Kane, Casey’s mask is white so Kane’s probably taking home honorable mention at best.
RAW returns from commercial and Kane is making his way to the ring. During this time, we’re that this Sunday, it’s Kane vs. Randy Orton in a Falls Count Anywhere Match. Kane takes the mic and says Extreme Rules is his favorite PPV of the year. Really? Not Vengeance? Because you screamed it so much in 2010 that they brought it back. Kane mentions that he’s discovered Randy Orton’s one true weakness. If you guessed ticklish ribcage, you’re wrong. It’s Daddy issues.
Kane continues on about Orton’s insecurities and Monsters and stuff. He would be great slam poetry if he didn’t always attack people when he lost. It’s Slam Poetry, Kane. Not Chokeslam Poetry.
Suddenly, Randy Orton appears via titantron and gets a Justin Bieber like reaction from the crowd. Orton mentions that he can play the same games Kane can, and brings out HOLOGRAM PAUL BEARER! No, wait. It’s the real Paul Bearer and he’s ALIVE! And somehow kidnapped again. Maybe that’s why Edge was here, to drop off Paul Bearer for Randy Orton. I guess Rated RKO trades him off on the weekends like a divorced couple.
Randy Orton taunts Kane by pushing Paul Bearer and attempting to freeze him again. Kane looks shocked then Kane laughs it off and mentions that his true father is the Devil himself. I don’t believe him. Check the paternity test. Kane leaves the ring but is ambushed by Randy Orton! Orton and Kane brawl, then Orton pulls out Sheamus’ tiny pipe from 2010 and attacks Kane with it like he’s a Double Dragon baddie. Kane retreats and Orton poses triumphantly while Paul Bearer continues to freeze to death. The Undertaker would save him, but he’s still broing it out with Triple H and Shawn Michaels.
The show comes back from commercial and the announcers recap Edge’s pep talk with John Cena. Edge should’ve said “You’re could either be an Edge or a Matt Hardy.” That’d whip Cena into shape. No one wants to be Matt Hardy. Not even Matt Hardy.
We come back from another commercial break with Chris Jericho talking to ALEX RILEY?! This is a recap and I’m still shocked. Why is Riley there? To SNITCH on CM Punk. Riley tells Jericho that Punk’s been drinking. Riley should know. He knows the smell of J.D. anywhere. Especially in a car (Don’t drink and drive, folks) Alex Riley is saying it to Jericho’s face but saying it behind CM Punk’s back. Downstait is furious. Jericho demands proof and Riley shows him Punk talking on the phone and drinking. Once again Alex Riley is a lackey. Riley stands there hoping for a thank you, but he gets nothing.
Match 3: Alberto Del Rio and Cody Rhodes vs. The Big Show and The (Not So) Great Khali.
Justin Roberts introduces RicRod. RicRod introduces Alberto Del Rio. It’s a team effort. Del Rio comes out in an expensive car and a 25 dollar t-shirt (Plus shipping and handling) followed by Cody Rhodes coming out to his own music and fancy Assassin’s Creed robe. Cody and Big Show is announced for Extreme Rules. No stipulation yet because creative is still figuring out what to do to make people care about Big Show. In a rare moment of heel bonding, Cody and Del Rio shake hands, I’m sure some creative fanfic writer is shipping “DelRhodes” right now.
The Big Show and The (Not So) Great Khali are next. These two have also developed a bond over the past few weeks. They can both high five each other without crouching down. They both have been in Adam Sandler comedies and they both love to overstay their welcome. Sidenote, Khali is still holding his leg suffering from a case of “Sid Knee.” And seems to have one fan in the audience with a generic WWE12 looking Khali sign.
The match begins and Khali and Big Show are in control until the dreaded commercial break curse puts the faces in peril. DelRhodes continues to work on the knees of The Big Show because they’re solid wrestlers, but you already know that. Cody breaks out a Figure Four Leg Lock that would make Flair proud but break Dusty’s heart. Unfortunately for DelRhodes, Big Show gets his Super Face comeback and starts to clean house. While Cody gets decimated, Del Rio remembers he has to return the car to the rental place and abandones him. Khali does his one contribution to the match (CHOP) followed by Big Show doing a John Wall Dance inspired chokeslam for the victory. So much for DelRhodes.
Winners: Team Adam Sandler Cameos (Big Show and Khali)
After the match, Cole and Lawler announce that on the Extreme Rules Youtube Pre-Show, Santino Marella will be defending his United States Championship against THE MIZ. Yes. The same Miz who was in the main event of last year’s Extreme Rules. Such a shame. The Miz went from Reality TV to WWE to Viral Video. Next thing we know The Miz is going to be in a Vampire request feud with Gangrel on Facebook. Then a Farmville Hogpen Match with Henry Godwinn. This youtube preshow match means two things: One, Miz needs momentum badly. And Two, I really need to play some new games.
Backstage the snitching continues as Chris Jericho tells John Laurinaitis that he saw CM Punk drinking backstage and demands that Punk be stripped of the title. Look what Riley started. The Handsome Hoeski Eve chimes in by reminding Mr. Laurinaitis of the WWE Wellness Policy, which states that Superstars are not allowed to drink/be intoxicated during a WWE Event. Way to channel that Wellness Policy Wikipedia Entry, Eve. That’s why they pay you the big bucks. In order to prove that CM Punk is drunk, Jericho suggests giving him a Field Sobriety Test. Jericho calls Eve “Ravishing” then leaves. The day Eve starts airbrushing her opponent’s faces on her tights is the day I stop watching.
John Laurinaitis asks Teddy why the Long face (He didn’t say that but that’d be hilarious) Teddy Long questions humiliating Punk, but Big Johnny claims he’s not orders Teddy Long to conduct the Field Sobriety Test. It’s not a tag team match, but Teddy’ll take it.
Meanwhile, Brock Lesnar finally makes his way to the arena. Josh Mathews (Possibly drunk off the liquor basket) walks up to him and asks if he’ll still be the face the company if Cena beats him at Extreme Rules. Brock presses Mathews up against one of the production trucks before walking off. Mathews, mentions says that “He’s just trying to do his job.” Brock Lesnar hears this and tosses Josh Mathews back to Tough Enough 1. This is what beer muscles do to you.
RAW comes back from commercial and Josh Mathews is being stretchered out. Tragic! Speaking of stretching, let’s cut to The Bella Twins stretching in the middle of the ring! No one transitions from pain to pleasure quite like the WWE. As Brie stretches out her twin sister, Nikki (It’s not weird) we’re informed that Nikki Bella is facing Beth Phoenix for the *Justin Roberts voice* “D-VA’s!” Championship.
The champion Beth Phoenix hits the ring. Cole reminds us that Nikki Bella earned this title shot three weeks ago while most of you were taking a pee break. Speaking of reminders, Cole also reminds us that Beth Phoenix’s record as Diva’s Champion is 204 days. If she holds on a little bit longer, she’ll surpass the record (Held by Maryse BTW.)
But wait! There’s more!
The Handsome Hoeski, Eve Torres makes her way to the ring and and earns her Executive Assistant Badge on Foursquare by making a Laurinaitis approved change to this match. What was Eve’s suggestion? If you guessed Coal Miner’s Glove Match, you were wrong. It’s a Lumberjill Match, one of three matches that the Divas are allowed to participate in.
AJ’s old theme song plays and the WWE Divas come out minus AJ, who’s still hurting over Daniel Bryan. It’s okay, AJ. You don’t need him! My love is like the Friends Theme Song. It will be there for you. Maxine makes her unofficial RAW debut BTW. She is a hot box of rocks. Also Kelly Kelly seems to be a hippy now. Go figure.
Match 4: Beth Phoenix vs. Nikki Bella for the WWE Divas Championship
Beth Phoenix dominates Nikki Bella for most of the match. Natalya tries to get the Divas on Team Nikki, by slamming the mat in unison but none of the divas seem to share Nattie’s enthusiasm. Somewhere during the match, it finally clicks and the Divas join in on the mat slapping. The mat slap technique allows Nikki to fight back for a bit but The Glamazon chucks her out of the ring.
Beth Phoenix goes after Nikki Bella but OH NO! Beth Phoenix seemed to have sprained her ankle. I knew this would happen. You can only carry the entire division for so long without falling to injury. Brie gets a case of Sidekick Courage and confronts to injured Beth, but gets pushed for her efforts. Beth also falls on the floor and The Divas go for the “Dogpile On The Rabbit” spot made popular in an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. The classics work.
An injured Glamazon fights her way back to the ring and Black Ref asks if she wants to call off the match. Phoenix refuses, thinking it can’t get any worse and from out of nowhere, it’s Beth Phoenix’s worst enemy, The Roll Up!, Black Ref counts to three!
Winner and NEW Diva’s Champion: Nikki Bella.
The Bellas celebrate in the ring as trainers check on Beth’s ankle. It’s a busy night for them. Nikki Bella put on her work frills (those things on her boots) tonight and had herself a good match with Beth Phoenix. As a proud African A-Bellacan, I’m happy for her. As a proud Glamazafri-no. Doesn’t work. I’m sorry.
Anyway, as a Beth Phoenix fan, I feel for her. I don’t know why they couldn’t have Beth break the record but what’s done is done. Hopefully Beth isn’t too hurt. Also, while Beth Phoenix is out, she needs a refresher course in roll ups.
Backstage Teddy Long tells CM Punk that his field sobriety test is next and Punk reacts like a drunken sorority girl (Delta Zeta what what?) We come back from commercial with Teddy Long and the Kayfabe Cops in the middle of the ring. Teddy calls CM Punk to the ring but Chris Jericho comes out wanting to see Punk stripped of the title and have the belt handed to him. Jericho’s really is channeling his inner Triple H.
Cue CM Punk’s music and he comes out looking very tipsy.
LOOK IN MY EYEEEEEEEES! WHAT DO YOU SEEEEEEEE! A LACK OF MY SOBRIETYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
CM Punk enters the ring, takes the mic and slurs his words like a true drunkard. He even calls the WWE the WWF! Kayfabe Cop Tyrone asks CM Punk to recite the alphabet backwards, but he can’t. Jericho wants the belt, but Long says there are more test. Maybe if Jericho knew that he wouldn’t have failed his. I kid. I love Chris Jericho. Punk’s second test is walking a straight line. He “Sandman Stumbles” through that one and fails the test. You know The Sandman never had to do this and he was drunk 24/7.
Chris Jericho forces Teddy Long to strip CM Punk (of the championship) after Kayfabe Cop Skylar says Punk is drunk and Teddy asks him to hand over the WWE Championship,, Jericho continues to banter Punk and calls Teddy Long “Fumble Fingers” That’s a new one. CM Punk asks for one more chance and Long reluctantly gives it to him. CM Punk hits the reset button and passes his test with flying colors as the crowd chants “YES!” for him saying the alphabet backwards and walking the line Ric Flair style. CM Punk must’ve gotten pulled over in a car with Ric Flair before. CM Punk gets to the A in the Alphabet and hits Jericho with the microphone ala Punk/Hardy.
Punk beats Jericho all over Detroit until Jericho fleas. Punk celebrates while John Laurinaitis and Eve Torres watch on backstage with the, “I’ll Get You Next Time, Gadget.” Face. There’s a lot of Handsome Eve in this RAW. In EWR terms, Eve Torres has been used far too much on this show. RAW goes to commercial then comes back with another edition of…
WWE Revisions of History Presents: Brock Lesnar vs. Hulk Hogan.
For those who’ve never seen this match, watch it. It’s a rare moment where Hulk Hogan puts someone over! Brock decimates Hogan in this one and smears blood on his chest. I think they spliced it with other footage because the blood has mysteriously disappeared.
We get a WWEShop commercial reminding us about Wrestlemania and then our next match.
Match 5: Sheamus vs. Mark Henry
IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!
The World Hevyweight Champion, Sheamus makes his way to the ring followed by Mark Henry, whose long camera angle always makes him look intimidated by how far he has to walk It’s okay, Mark. Baby steps. Jerry Lawler points out there’s no referee in the ring. He’s paying attention this week, folks! Justin Roberts mentions that John Laurinaitis has ordered a Special Guest Referee for this match. Who could I be? Hint: His chant rhymes with “JESS!” If you guessed Daniel Bryan…you’re right!
Daniel Bryan comes in a referee uniform (Not the HBK shorts) and a sea of “YES!” chants. Sad thing about Daniel Bryan in the referee outfit, he looks like an actual referee. The announcers remind us that Sheams McKenzie has been fined $500,000 for attacking a referee and if he does it again, he’s fired. The match begins Sheamus gets the upper hand on Mark Henry until Daniel Bryan breaks it up. Bryan threatens Sheamus that if he hits him, he’s fired. Mark Henry takes advantage of this and hits a clothesline on Sheamus then covers. Daniel Bryan does a Smackdown: Know Your Role style Special Guest Referee Fast 3 Count!
Winner: Mark Henry
Afterwards, Daniel Bryan takes his shirt off and throws it at Sheamus’ face transforming Bryan’s referee gear into Steve Blackman’s gear. Amazing! Sheamus, clearly not a fan of Steve Blackman, attacks Daniel Bryan in mid “YES!” and throws him into the ring to continue the assault. For no reason, Sheamus Brogue Kicks Mark Henry and Bryan quickly takes advantage of this by kicking Sheamus right in the skul and applying the “YES!” Daniel Bryan eventually leaves Sheams lying in the middle of the ring as the fans are mixed between “YES!” and “NO!” Meanwhile, Mark Henry is the only one chanting “MEDIC!” Daniel Bryan says he’s taking home the World Heavyweight Championship and “YESes” his heart out. I swear if Daniel Bryan were a fan of the Yankees, the YES Network would love him right now. NESN? Not so much.
Michael Cole informs us that Dorito’s Locos Tacos is sponsoring a match between “The Funkasuarus” Brodus Clay and Hornswoggle vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger. People Power brings Product Placement. Good thing Doritos didn’t sponsor Epico and Primo’s match. That’d be stereotyping. By the way, I’d like to shout out Three Man Booth’s sponsors Popeye’s Chicken. Cause I’m eat it and they’re paying me for it. Cole describes the match like a “taco shell made out of Doritos chips” Taco Shells fall apart easily. I expect this to as well.
We come back from commercial with WWE Tag Team Champions, Primo and Epico in the ring with the lovely Rosa Mendes. They’re my favorite team in the WWE and they should be yours too! Talented wrestlers with a hot manager AND Reggaeton music? What’s not to like!
Match 6: Santino Marella and Zack Ryder vs. Primo and Epico w/ Rosa Mendes
WOO WOO WOO! YOU KNOW IT!
Zack Ryder comes out to a strong reaction. It’s good to see him in a good mood after his BF (Broski Fit) about Z! True Long Island Story being edited. Santino comes out next to a bigger pop as Michael Cole keeps calling the duo “Goofy.” Nothing wrong with Goofy. Goofy’s arguably the 3rd most over character in the Disney Universe. Cole reminds us about Santino/Miz on Sunday and the graphic pops up. Even The Miz graphic looks upset about how far he’s sunk.
I think Santino forgot that he’s the United States Champion because he keeps competing in Tag Matches. The crowd is into Ryder big time as he and Epico start things off. This is such an odd match for Zack Ryder. The wrestling’s fine, but Ryder has moved on from Rosa Mendes AND Primo. It’s like awkwardly running into your ex-girlfriend and tag partner at a Supermarket while they buy your name brand cereal (Broski-O’s.) Ryder takes control of the match, but gets distracted by Rosa and Primo causing Epico to take control. Primo gets the tag in and continues to work on Ryder as the fans rally behind Ryder. This was hard to watch. I was a big DZP supporter. Primo goes for a high flying move and shades of his brother Carlito, he seems to slow down in mid-air. Nothing wrong with that. I always called it a “Cool Breeze” because they’re from the Caribbean.
Santino gets the hot tag and gets the upper hand for his team. Santino whips his junk out (The Sock) and tries to Cobra Primo, but Epico runs in only to be tossed over the top rope for his efforts. Primo dropkicks Santino thinking he has the advantage again, but Santino pops up and Cobra’s Primo for the victory.
Winners: Santino Marella and Zack Ryder.
Cole is surprised that Santino keeps winning, while Rose looks unhappy and Santino and Ryder exchange their catchphrases. Soak it up, Ryder. Because we were having too much fun, Cole and Lawler remind us that Brock Lesnar assaulted Josh Mathews. Partially because it was shocking and partially because it was hilarious! The Cena/Lesnar Contract signing still to come.
RAW comes back from commercial with an angry Sheamus walking backstage. Matt Striker, who needs to learn how to feel out a room, asks Sheamus for his thoughts on what happened earlier tonight. Sheamus explains his “taughts” calling Daniel Bryan a snake in the grass that hides behind his referee “shorts” tonight. See? Even Sheamus wants to see the HBK referee shorts! Sheamus asks Striker if he knows what happens to snakes in Ireland. If it has nothing to do with Whacking Day, then I’m not interested. Sheamus says if he were D-Bry, he’d start praying. With Daniel Bryan’s new found interest in the word “YES,” he’d fit right in at church.
Backstage, Kane walks around clutching his ribs from the pipe attack until he notices the freezer. Kane looks around then opens the door. Faint “Let’s Go Ryder” chants are heard.” Kane saves Paul Bearer then says he’s come to save Paul Bearer from him, and puts him back in the freezer to die again. I swear Paul Bearer dies more times than Kenny.
Meanwhile, Primo and Epico are arguing while Rosa stands there pretending not to know English. No boys! Don’t fight! This is exactly what happened with Colons 1.0. Abraham Washington interrupts them reminds them that they’re a tag team with a commercial break entrance and that they weren’t on Wrestlemania. A.W. asks why are they being treated like jokes which riles up Primo and Epico. Before it can come to blows, he calms Primo and Epico down and hands them his “Guidance Card.” What A.W. can guide them to is beyond me. Maybe his experience is on his LinkedIn account.
Match 7: Brodus Clay and Hornswoggle vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger
The Dortio’s Match is next. Naomi and Ca’mon do their bit. I love “IN CAPTIVITY!” she says it the same every time.
FUNKY TUNA ROLL! FUNKY TUNA ROLL! SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA! SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA!! SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA!!! SOMEBODY PLEASE COMB MY LLAMA!!!!
Brodus Clay and Hornswoggle make their way to the ring. Brodus doing his choreograph. Hornswoggle doing it wrong. Of course no one tells him that because hes’ immune to everything because he’s a little person. I can’t stand how Hornswoggle attaches himself to things I like and ruins them. He’s the reverse Rumpelstiltskin. Swoggle takes off his pants and Lawler pops for his little legs like they were Stacy Kiebler’s. After the commercial break, the Brodus and the Funky Bunch continue to dance until they’re interrupted by a loud “EXCUSE ME!” Vickie Guerrero gets booed as she does her own introduction for the “Two Greatest Athletes In The WWE (IN CAPTIVITY!)” The All American American, Jack Swagger and The Show-Off Dolph Ziggler.
Swaggler make their way to the ring as Dolph Ziggler’s “Ziggle Wiggle” returns. I swear Ziggler’s butt wiggle is the only male butt I mark for. As if this wasn’t awkward enough, Cole and Lawler have to remind us that this match is sponsored by Taco Bell.
The match begins and Hornswoggle wants in. Brodus tags him in and Hornswoggle gets some offense in. Ziggler finally gets the advantage and all of a sudden he’s the worst person in the world. I’m starting to think they’re just testing how good Dolph Ziggler is by making him wrestle everybody. Brodus gets the tag and cleans house until Vickie Guerrero confronts him with a slap to the face. Naomi and Cam’Ron confront Vickie and she’s cornered by The Funky Bunch. Vickie Guerrero puts a hat on Brodus then gets a bite to the butt for her efforts by Hornswoggle. Ugh….She flees from the ring and the Funkasaurus dances. Just like Taco Bell, Brodus Clay and Hornswoggle seemed liked a good idea, but you immediately regret it once you finished with it.
After the commercial break we get our last…
WWE: Revisions Of History Presents: Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle
Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle – Wrestlemania 19, we get an abridged version of Lesnar vs. Angle. No mention of the Shooting Star Botch that almost killed him, but they show the 3 F-5’s that lead to Brock Lesnar winning his 2nd WWE Championship. All three revisions of history were of Brock attacking current TNA Stars. If there was a dark match of Brock Lesnar vs. AJ Styles in the vault, they would’ve shown that too.
RAW comes back from commercial with a preview of Smackdown this week (Sheamus vs. Mark Henry) and that Brock Lesnar video about the bowels again. After the video, the Laurinaitis News Network theme plays and Big Johnny makes his way to the ring. Laurinaitis reminds us that this Sunday is Extreme Rules and that he’s looking forward to it because it’s his first PPV and the first PPV for People Power. Brock Lesnar makes his way to the ring and the crowd pops.
Fun Fact: The guy who did the Brock Lesnar “YEAAAAH” pose on Lesnar’s first night back is in the front row and he’s wearing the shirt. He’s always doing the pose way too many times. It’s his version of Bart Simpson’s “I didn’t do it.” Can’t wait to see what his “Woozle Wuzzle” will be.
John Laurinaitis introduces John Cena next and Cena doesn’t come out! Maybe he’s too busy CELEBRATING HIS BIRTHDAY YOU ALL FORGOT! Loud “Let’s Go Cena! Cena Sucks” chants for him. Brock picks up a mic and says “Come on out, Little Johnny” towards John Cena. Heidenreich gets ready to volunteer, but he is stopped by management.
WARNING: If you think “Little Johnny” was bad, Brock Lesnar only gets worse with the pipe bomb in his hand. Listening to his promo will give you strong feelings of second hand embarrassment.
Brock Lesnar tells Laurinaitis that since Cena’s not here, he’ll explain why he was “tardy.” then asks him to please have a seat. Brock, badasses don’t use the word tardy. And they don’t say please! Brock mentions that he does things on his terms and that if John Laurinaitis wants to have this Brock/Cena match, he’ll have to agree with Brock Lesnar’s list of demands. This would sound more threatening if Brock didn’t sound like a member of the Geek Squad from Best Buy.
Lesnar explains that he’s not the Naïve Farm Boy and he’s the face of the company and that he needs changes. He’s so passionate about this that he mentions it several, several times. He’s giving the Genesis of McGillicutty a run for its money. No wonder they’re such close friends. Their conversations must last forever! So what are Lesnar’s demands? He wants Vince McMahon’s private jet, he wants to be able to beat people up because it makes him happy (Sorry, Josh.) and that he hates stupid people. It’s good that Brock puts his attention on stupid people Stupid people need the most attention.
Brock Lesnar also wants to show up when he wants at whatever time. So if Brock Lesnar shows up to RAW on a Thursday in a suit made of Taco Bell Dorito Chips, Brock Lesnar’s showing up to RAW on a Thursday in a suit made of Taco Bell Dorito Chips. Brock mentions Sheamus’ time, and mentions that Big Johnny should be giving that money to him instead of fining people. He wants his demands or else there’s no match. Brock kicks up his feet and shows off his Everlast Boots, which I’m sure he got some money to promote. Just in case Laurinaitis was confused, Brock refers to Section 3, Exhibit A. LeKeith, who knows a thing or two about law says that it’s not an exhibit.
Brock says if he’s the face of the company, it’s going to be Monday Night RAW Starring Brock Lesnar. The name “Brock Lesnar Presents: Monday Night RAW never crossed his mind. Brock says if John Laurinaitis makes him happy, then he’ll make Ace happy by signing the contract. John Laurinaitis sits there wishing he had a mediator right now. If only WWE and USA brought Fairly Legal’s, Kate Reed to this RAW instead of Taco Bell. Laurinaitis agrees to the terms and Brock forces him to tell the world he agrees. Brock agrees to give John Laurinaitis a photo opp for his Facebook page, but no GOD HELP HIM if he tags Lesnar in it!
Finally, John Cena’s theme plays and the crowd is happy to see him believe it or not. Cena shows off his new-old birthday present, his WORD LIFE CHAIN LOCK! This is not what Edge wanted. He wanted 2006 Cena. Not 2003, Cena. Maybe Cena took so long to show up because he was looking for his chain. Cena finally hits the ring and the loud “Let’s Go Cena” “Cena Sucks” chants return. Full crowd support was nice while it lasted. Brock Lesnar sees Cena with his chain and is unimpressed. Cena clutches his chain lock while Brock kisses his fists, which he’s named Mary Kate and Ashley Lesnar.
After all this build up, Cena and Lesnar proceed to make the longest contract signing ever even longer by having Cena hesitate to sign the contract. Brock tries to force Cena to sign the contract with his whiny Customer Service voice and mentions that there’s a problem and that he feels liberation. We’ll all feel liberation when this is over. Brock mentions that Cena is scared of him and calls himself “The Big Bad Boogeyman,” Which might be THE WORST NICKNAME EVER! It sounds like one of those call names you put together in WWE12. Stupid nickname aside, Cena signs the contract and the two have a Mortal Kombat vs. Screen Pose Down. The table gets knocked down and rather than have Cena and Lesnar come to blows, Brock smiles and walks out of the ring. This week’s RAW ends with Brock walking away slowly and Cena staring at Lesnar with the dead eyes,
Overall:So…that happened. This RAW was definitely hit/miss. They promoted the matches for the PPV, but there was a lot of randomness used to try and fit the 3 Hour Show. Taco Bell? Really? Also, there was a lot of Brock Lesnar hype. I understand the three videos, but why show the same video twice? Also, NEVER LET BROCK LESNAR TALK AGAIN. Hire Paul Heyman. Get him a bunch of signs. Teach him sign language if you have to, but never let “The Big Bad Boogeyman” utter another word.
As for the rest of the show, Chris Jericho and Kofi Kingston put on a good match. They always do. CM Punk and Jericho were entertaining and their segment made me want to see the match more. I didn’t really get where I like Nikki Bella so I’m happy for her. The rest of the world is currently planning to burn her at the stake. Orton and Kane were going with trying to kill Paul Bearer, but it at least provided some good (unintentional) laughs. Last year Extreme Rules was one of the best PPVs of 2011, so I’m looking forward to watching it because I have a feeling the show won’t disappoint.
Thanks for reading and sticking through this 3-Hour Recap. I promise shorter ones in the future. Please let me know what you think via Twitter or the comments. Until next time, Keep It Five Star!