RAW begins with John Cena!
John Cena says there’s 20 days till Wrestlemania and although the crowd is divided, it’s time to pick a side. Cena says he has a message for The Rock’s fans and it’s, “Your Time Is Up. Our Time Is Now.” Cena says all we have is right now then reminds us of his victories in 2013 and the fans who stuck through the hard times. Cena says he won’t predict victory, but he is focused and ready for Wrestlemania.
John Cena is interrupted by the Prime Time Players. Titus O’Neil comes out in a wig and a jumpsuit…
The Prime Time Players say they are also ready for Wrestlemania 29, then introduce O’Neil’s new character, Rufus “Pancake” Patterson, Titus O’Neil’s Uncle. They call him pancake because he “flattens fools.” John Cena makes pancake jokes, sucks up to Pittsburgh by naming the Steelers and Penguins, then says he can get them some medication.
“Pancake Patterson” says the only medication the WWE Universe needs is the Prime Time Players. Darren Young says the PTP put the E in WWE Entertainment. John Cena calls Young out on the extra E, but the Prime Time Players do the “Millions Of Dollars” dance until Patterson’s gout acts up. I’m not making this up.
John Cena says the Prime Time Players timing is off and says he hopes he’ll see them at Wrestlemania. Pancake Patterson says they don’t want to see Cena at Wrestlemania. They want to see The Prime Time Players. Patterson brings up the comparisons between John Cena and Darren Young, and thinks Darren Young should be on the cover of Cocoa Pebbles since John Cena is on the cover of Fruity Pebbles. They want to change the name to Prime Time Pebbles.
“Pancake Patterson” refuses to fight John Cena because of his “gout” and volunteers Darren Young. Darren Young claims that after John Cena loses to him tonight, Cena will be weeping and crying just like last years Wrestlemania. Cena changes his mood and accepts the challenge.
Match 01: John Cena vs. Darren Young
Winner: John Cena
Match 02: Ryback vs. David Otunga
Winner: Ryback
Post-Match, Ryback says at Wrestlemania, himself, Randy Orton and Sheamus will tear The Shield apart. Ryback says that he and Mark Henry will bump into each other again and when they do, it will be feeding time. Ryback says, “Together we scream…FEED ME MORE” then leads the chants. Mark Henry interrupts him.
Teddy Long and Vickie Guerrero stop Mark Henry from going further.
Vickie Guerrero says she’s taking Ryback out of the 6 man tag match at Wrestlemania and putting him in the match with Mark Henry. Ryback attacks David Otunga.
Match 03: Fandango vs. The Great Khali
Fandango has a full entrance.
After The Great Khali’s entrance, Fandango mocks the way Khali says he name and asks Natalya to say his name.
Natalya says…
Seriously. Natalya says, “FAN.DAN.GO GET HIM” Khali. Fandango runs then says there will be no match tonight and that the WWE Universe was robbed of the opportunity of seeing him. The crowd is booing loudly.
Match 04: R-Truth vs. Damien Sandow
Damien Sandow asks for the music to be silenced because he is about to speak. Sandow quotes Henry David Thoreau, “rather than love than money, than fame, give me truth.” Sandow says Thoreau is rolling over in his grave by seeing R-Truth. Sandow says the R obviously stands for Repugnant.
R-Truth says Thoreau was quote a poet, but he has a poem of his own. “Your beard is weird and you talk a lot. I got four sweet words for you: You gon’ get got. You’re Welcome.”
Damien Sandow walks out of the match.
Winner: R-Truth (via Count Out)
Backstage: Cody Rhodes is flirting with The Bellas until Kaitlyn interrupts. Kaitlyn cancels her plans with Cody tonight but The Bellas tell Kaitlyn no one cares. Kaitlyn tells Cody that he can keep his mustache and there’s, then walks off. The Bellas continue to ask Cody about his mustache.
The Undertaker Speaks:
The Undertaker says CM Punk sealed his own fate with his actions last week. Taker says he’s going to hurt Punk and hurt him bad. Taker gives Punk has one chance to save his soul and he wants that urn back. Suddenly, a terrible Paul Bearer impression is heard.
CM Punk says “No Disrespect” but Paul Bearer wants The Undertaker to know Paul’s death wasn’t just a personal loss, but it was a professional loss as well. Punk pretends to talk to the urn then says Paul wants The Undertaker to know that if he gets counted out or disqualified at Wrestlemania, it’s still a loss.
CM Pun starts tossing the urn around and tells The Undertaker he’s the best at Wrestlemania and that you could almost say that he’s the Best In The World. Punk says he’s the Best In the World 365 Days of the year. Punk says The Undertaker has powers and answers to a higher calling. Punk says he doesn’t answer to a Higher Power because he IS the Higher Power.
CM Punk says he’s not going to claim it was his destiny to beat The Streak. Punk says he’s the one man in the world who can endure the burden of snapping The Undertaker’s streak. Punk claims he’s willing ot walk through hell and endure whatever pain Taker inflicts on him. Punk says he The One that will end the streak at Wrestlemania and that he is The One in 20-1. Punk “accidentally” drops the urn then says “No Disrespect Intended.”
Match 05: Primo and Epico vs. Team Hell No
AJ Lee skips down to the ring.
Winners: Team Hell No
Backstage: Josh Mathews asks Chris Jericho his thoughts tonight. Jericho says he’s held the WWE Intercontinental Championship more times than anyone EVER, 9 times. He wants to make it 10 and thinks he’ll have a lot of momentum going into Wrestlemania. He’s interrupted by Fandango.
Chris Jericho asks Fandango what his name is and Fandango repeats his name a couple times. Jericho says “Fan-dumbo. Fan-dangler, Fan-sweet mango” etc. Fandango gets angry then tells Jericho that he will learn his name.
Chris Jericho tells Fandango not to go since he hasn’t learned his name yet then asks for movie tickets to “Dead Man Down” for him and his Grandma.
Match 06: Cody Rhodes vs. Alberto Del Rio
Alberto Del Rio comes out with a theme song remix!
A USA Chant breaks out.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
Post-Match, Jack Swagger attacks Alberto Del Rio.
Alberto Del Rio makes short work of Jack Swagger then grabs Zeb Colter.
Jack Swagger attacks Alberto Del Rio then clotheslines RicRod. Swagger puts RicRod in the Ankle Lock. RicRod screams for his life.
Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter walk away as paramedics check on RicRod.
The newest inductee into the WWE Hall Of Fame Is…
Match 07: Sheamus and Randy Orton vs. The Three Man Band
Winners: Randy Orton and Sheamus
The Shield almost attacks Randy Orton and Sheamus but The Big Show’s music plays and he runs to the ring.
The Shield retreats. Big Show points to the Wrestlemania sign the leaves the ring.
Match 08: Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler
Kofi Kingston hits a Springboard Frog Splash on Dolph Ziggler!
Kofi Kingston dives at Dolph Ziggler but Big E Langston clips Kofi’s knee.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Post-Match, Daniel Bryan and Kane come out and Bryan congratulate Dolph Ziggler for getting he and Kane on the same page. Kane says he’s not in a good place right now. Kane says we’ve see what Big E. Langston can do outside the ring, let’s see what he can do inside the ring then challenges Dolph Ziggler and Big E. Langston to a match.
AJ Lee says they accept the challenge, if and only if Daniel Bryan and Kane put the Tag Team Titles on the line. Bryan says “Let Me Think About That” then he and Kane start chanting “YES!” before Kane does his fire trick.
Match 08: The Miz vs. Wade Barrett vs. Chris Jericho (Intercontinental Championship)
Chris Jericho breaks up the Figure Four with a Lionsault!
Chris Jericho locks in the Walls Of Jericho!
The Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale on Chris Jericho. Wade Barrett rolls up The Miz.
Winner: Wade Barrett
Triple H and Brock Lesnar’s Contract Signing:
Triple H comes out.
Paul Heyman comes out next and Triple H says he thought Brock Lesnar would come out considering he split his head open two weeks ago. Paul Heyman says Brock Lesnar is fearless, but Paul Heyman is afraid. He’s afraid of what he’ll do with the stipulations. Option 1. Triple H disappoints the WWE Universe or Option 2. Triple H fights Brock Lesnar without knowing the stipulations. Heyman thinks Triple H is frustrated and doesn’t know what Triple H will do, hence why he’s afraid.
Paul Heyman tells Triple H that Brock Lesnar has already signed on to face Triple H at Wrestlemania. Once Triple H signs, and if and only if, he signs, then Paul Heyman will tell him the stipulation. Triple H wants the contract, but Paul Heyman says since he has Triple H, he’s going to take time to enjoy this. Paul Heyman says he and Brock Lesnar have watched footage countless times of Triple H busting Brock Lesnar open.
Paul Heyman asks How Do You Top That and says he knows how to top that and teases a blindfold match, and a handcuff match.
Paul Heyman reveals that Brock Lesnar allowed him to pick the stipulation. Heyman says the stipulation is the winner of the match gets Stephanie McMahon, but then says wouldn’t it be more fitting if the loser gets Stephanie McMahon?
Triple H destroys the security guards.
Triple H attacks Paul Heyman then places him on the table and starts attacking him.
Triple H successfully rips the shirt open and continues attacking Paul Heyman, then signs the contract on his chest.
Triple H calls out Brock Lesnar. Lesnar comes out swinging at chair on the ramp.
Brock Lesnar walks to the ring and tosses a chair at Triple H, but he blocks it. Triple H pulls out a sledge hammer.
Brock Lesnar almost gets in the ring but Paul Heyman stops him. Heyman and Lesnar get to the top of the ramp. Heyman says that beating was worth it to get Triple H to sign this contract. The match will be: Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar, No DQ, No Count Out, No Stopping The Match for any reason because it’s going to be No Holds Barred.
Paul Heyman reveals one more stipulation: Triple H’s career is on the line.
So That Happened:
Three Man Booth 