RAW begins with a shot of Hulk Hogan’s presents.
Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman come out.
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Brock Lesnar has a new shirt.
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Paul Heyman introduces himself and says in 6 days, he will be the advocate for the reigning, defending WWE Champion of the World, Brock Lesnar. Paul Heyman tells the WWE Universe that he sells them on major events, and tells them that his client, Brock Lesnar wants him to address the Cenation – Fans Of John Cena. Heyman says Bad Things Happen to Good People who mess with Brock Lesnar.
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Paul Heyman says those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Heyman shows a photo of Brock Lesnar conquering The Undertaker’s Undefeated Streak at Wrestlemania. Paul Heyman tells the WWE Universe that if you were a fan of The Undertaker, he told you that the look of shock would be on all of their faces. Heyman says if you were an Undertaker fan, you wouldn’t have dared missed The Undertaker.
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Paul Heyman says when Brock Lesnar was a rookie, he faced a man named Dwayne Johnson at Summerslam. Heyman says after Lesnar beat The Rock, Rock was gone for 6-8 Months..
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Paul Heyman mentions Hulk Hogan, and says when Brock Lesnar was done with Hulk Hogan, we didn’t see him for a year. Heyman says if Hulk Hogan tried to get revenge on Brock Lesnar, there would be no Hulk Hogan Celebration today.
Paul Heyman mentions John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar from Extreme Rules, saying Lesnar will never make an excuse for a loss, but he was still battling Diverticulitis. Heyman says that was Brock Lesnar at 50%, but this Sunday, it will be Brock Lesnar at 100%. and the beating John Cena will suffer at Summerslam will be similar to a Shakespearean tragedy.
Paul Heyman mentions that John Cena is a 15-Time WWE Champion who likes to have fun, but he won’t at Brock Lesnar’s expense. Paul Heyman proceeds to do a Freestyle Rap to John Cena
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Paul Heyman tells the WWE Universe that this is Brock Lesnar’s House Now. Heyman says Lesnar conquered the WWE Universe, so they are all his servants.
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Paul Heyman tells the WWE Universe that he and Brock Lesnar are going to have dinner, but after John Cena says his words and Hulk Hogan has his celebration, he is coming back home.
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Flo-Rida wishes Hulk Hogan a Happy Birthday.
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Weird Al Yankovic wishes Hulk Hogan a Happy Birthday.
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Match 01: Roman Reigns vs. ??
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Kane comes out as the Director Of Operators again.
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Kane reminds Roman Reigns that he defeated The Demon Kane Last Week. Kane claims Reigns defeating Demon Kane was the equivalent of Kane beating two men, so The Authority wants to see how Reigns fairs against two men.
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Kane brings out Rybaxel.
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Match 01: Roman Reigns vs. Rybaxel
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Ryback throws Roman Reigns into the ring post.
Winner: Roman Reigns (via DQ)
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Post-Match, Roman Reigns destroys Rybaxel.
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Roman Reigns Superman Punches Curtis Axel, then Ryback.
The WWE Universe chants for Spear.
Roman Reigns hits the spear on Ryback,
Post-Match, Renee Young asks Roman Reigns about Randy Orton. Roman Reigns says he’s never stolen anything from Randy Orton, but this Sunday at Summerslam, he’s taking everything from him. Reigns says Orton claims The Viper’s back, but what’s a Viper when you knock it’s fangs down its throat? A worthless little worm. Roman Reigns says “Believe That.”
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Backstage: Randy Orton tells Kane that he finds it funny that Reigns is not afraid of the Viper. Orton mocks Rybaxel and Kane’s attempts, then vows to end Roman Reigns.
Kane tells Orton that The Authority wants to make sure Randy Orton’s ready for Summerslam, so he’s going to be in a match with #ScumbagSheamus. Kane tells Orton that it’s what’s Best For Business and Orton replies, “Fine.”
Match 02: Rob Van Dam vs. Seth Rollins
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Rob Van Dam misses the barricade leg drop.
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Seth Rollins hits Rob Van Dam with a curb stomp.
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Winner: Seth Rollins
Seth Rollins walks up the ramp. Rollins notices Hulk Hogan’s presents.
Seth Rollins checks the giant present to see if it’s Dean Ambrose.
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Seth Rollins walks away.
Dean Ambrose appears and attacks Seth Rollins.
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Dean Ambrose chases Seth Rollins down the ramp. Rollins narrowly escapes.
Dean Ambrose tells Seth Rollins to run while he still can, because there ain’t no running or hiding in a Lumberjack Match. Ambrose says in just 6 days, Rollins’ ass belongs to him. Ambrose tells the WWE Universe for just $9.99, he is going to get more than his money’s worth against Seth Rollins.
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Three Man Booth 
In medical terms, the suffix -itis means “inflammation of”, so when John Cena said Brock Lesnar had “Punk Bitchitis” I’m thinking, ‘Inflammation of the Punk Bitch’?
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