So That Happened, 06/18/12:
This recap is in no way affiliated with The WWE, Monday Night Raw.
We did, however, want Ryder.
RAW begins with Mick Foley returning to RAW. He gets a huge pop from the crowd then puts over the 1000th RAW. Foley says the Board Of Directors called him. Since John Laurinaitis was fired, they are looking at former General Managers to run RAW and Smackdown while they find a permanent one. So Foley is GM for the night! Somewhere backstage, Triple H isn’t happy. Foley announces a TAG TEAM MATCH. Kane (Boos), Daniel Bryan (Boos and Yeahs), vs. Sheamus (MORE Boos than Kane) and CM Punk (Cheered by everyone!) Then Foley mentions that the fired John Laurinaitis will give his “Farewell Address.” Foley introduces Big Johnny, who gets booed mercilessly from the crowd.
As Laurinaitis one crutches his way to the ring, loud “WE WANT RYDER” chants are heard from the crowd. Do they get Ryder? (Spoiler Alert: No) John Laurinaitis tries to introduce himself but the crowd wants no part of him. Mick Foley tries to get the crowd to keep the noise down, but nobody tells fans what to do! Foley traded his cheap pop for cheap heat, right Here in Long Island! He tells the crowds that John Laurinaitis said “Long Island Sucks,” causing them to get even angrier. Laurinaitis declares the whole crowd to be rude and waits to give his farewell address later in the show. Then he announces that his last act as General Manager was creating the Main Event for tonight: John Cena vs. Big Show, David Otunga and him. With matches like that, it’s unbelievable he got fired. Laurinaitis mocks Mick Foley’s “Have A Nice Day!” then leaves the ring, proud but hobbling out of the ring. In between the sounds of his one-crutch and the boos, you hear –
IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!
Sheamus comes to the ring and mocks John Laurinaitis before hugging Mick Foley. John Laurinaitis resumes hobbling before it can get any worse…
*Static Static* Duhnuhnuhnuhnuh! Duhnuhnuhnuhnuh!
Okay. CM Punk’s theme doesn’t work like the others. But CM Punk comes out to the ring, looks at Big Johnny and does the umpire “You’re out of here!” thing I’ve seen in sportsketball games.
Recaps on Caps on Caps: AJ kissing Kane … Lucky Bastard
EXPLOSION!
Kane comes out next with his welding mask followed by Daniel Bryan who gets a huge pop from the L.I. crowd. Daniel Bryan does his My Little Goatface: YESSing is Magic Gallop down the ramp. I just noticed Daniel Bryan’s new jacket has “YES!” on it. That’s awesome.
Match 01: CM Punk/Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan/Kane
Fun Fact: Everybody is wearing the same “Black and Red” color scheme during this match. Solid tag match here. Nothing you wouldn’t expect from these four. I’d go into details but the real fun of this match happens towards the end. After a Superplex from Daniel Bryan, AJ’s theme plays and the crowd cheers loudly for her. This is the first time a Divas gotten a reaction like this in a while. AJ skips down to the ring DRESSED as Kane (Or Harley Quinn if you’re a Batman fan.) Everyone’s confused. Kane’s erect but he manages to leave the apron and stare at the ramp waiting for AJ to come back. Daniel Bryan tries to be Kane’s boner killer, but ends up getting killed by a Go To Sleep/Brogue Kick Combo instead.
Winners: CM Punk and Sheamus/Every AJ fan in the world
Post-Match, Punk and Sheamus celebrate as Kane tries to figure out his feelings.
Did You Know? More Males watched RAW last week instead of shows on basic TV. I think the real question is, Do We Care?
Backstage: Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger argue with each other about riding each others’ coattails. Swagger calls Ziggler “Sleeveless In Seattle” and mocks his 4 minute title reign. It was 11 minutes, Jack. There’s a difference. They start arguing over Vickie Guerrero until she interrupts with her “EXCUSE ME!” She says she’s tired of their arguing and bickering and that it’s time to make a decision. Vickie says she spoke to Mick Foley and set up a battle between Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler for her services. This is just like the Terri Invitational Tournament except without the money and without the Terri. I wonder what the Hardy Boyz spent their Terri money on? …You know what? I don’t wanna know.
Also backstage, David Otunga and John Laurinaitis have a good laugh about Mick Foley, calling him a Muppet. Big Show shows up asking what’s so funny. Laurinaitis tells Show that Cena’s going to lose again tonight, Big Show is going to knock Cena out and that the WWE Universe will never forget the name John Lauarinitis. Even if they don’t forget it, they’ll never be able to spell it. I don’t know how any of that is funny, but maybe Laurinaitis just has a weird sense of humor. Big Show says he doesn’t find anything funny. I understand why: When you’re the face of Knucklehead, Big Show, you probably lose your sense of humor really quickly.
Match 02: Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger
Dolph Ziggler comes out to a nice reaction and no #ZiggleWiggle. Jack Swagger comes out next while Jerry Lawler comments on Vickie Guerrero’s attire. Loud “Let’s Go Ziggler” chants are heard. See that Zack Ryder? The fans have already forgotten about you. Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler try to one-up each other with their amateur wrestling. After a headlock, Ziggler tweaks his knee which allows Jack Swagger to get the advantage. Swagger dominates the knee for the entire match as the crowd tries to figure out who to cheer for. Swagger puts Ziggler in the Ankle Lock as the faint “Let’s Go Ziggler” chants continue. Just when Swagger thinks he’s going to win for once, Ziggler knocks Swagger into the turnbuckle then follows up with the Zig Zag for the win.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Post-match, Vickie Guerrero celebrates with Dolph Ziggler then kisses him as the crowd oohs. Dolph Ziggler walks to the back proud of himself as Jack Swagger just fades further into obscurity.
Recaps on Caps on Caps:Triple H challenging Brock Lesnar at Summerslam
RAW 1000th Moment: Jerry Lawler talks about Stone Cold invading Mr. McMahon at the hospital. One word: Bedpan.
Brock Lesnar’s theme plays and the crowd pops expecting Lesnar but instead they get Paul Heyman. Two fans (A Chiapetta look-a-like and a Jersey Shore looking John Cena fan) are shown booing him, but the rest of the crowd cheers out of respect for ECW.
Paul Heyman says that he’s here as Brock Lesnar’s representative and that he’s going to say something that Triple H is probably not used to. If you said “Put Over” you’re wrong. Heyman says “No.” Heyman and Brock won’t drop their lawsuits and Lesnar won’t fight Triple H at Summerslam. Heyman tries to make this a short and sweet promo, but Triple H’s theme plays and he hits the ring. When you’re in a Triple H storyline, your promo is a MINIMUM of 20 Minutes. You should know that, Paul.
Triple H tells Paul Heyman that he noticed that he’s not in a bingo hall and that it’s not the 1990s anymore (Burying already.) Trips calls Heyman a habitual liar, says Lesnar will fight him at Summerslam, and that he wants Brock to step up and be a man. Triple H claims he can give Brock Lesnar what he wants then shows a photoshopped photo of Brock Lesnar of the SummerSlam poster. I don’t think that’s what Brock wants.
Paul Heyman calls Triple H out and says Brock Lesnar has no ego. Triple H counteracts with the “Monday Night RAW: Starring Brock Lesnar” idea and says Brock is all about ego. This is like the pot calling the kettle Tyler Black Seth Rollins. Triple H says if Brock doesn’t wrestle him, he’ll go down in history as the guy who is scared of Triple H. Heyman mocks Triple H’s efforts and tells him to “stop” in that way that you tell someone who’s trying too hard to be cool to stop. Paul Heyman pleads with Triple H to stop trying to be the asskicker he used to be and tells him to go back home to his ivory tower and back to his little Princess and play “King Of Kings” because in Brock and Heyman’s world, Triple H isn’t the king of anything. Once again Paul Heyman plays the “Too Mean” card because Triple H isn’t happy. Heyman mocks Triple H, trying to get Trips to hit him. Heyman says if he gets hit, he and Brock are going to own the WWE and in Brock and Heyman’s WWE, they – Creative – have nothing for Triple H.
Just before Paul Heyman’s about to leave, he comes back and tells Triple H that he does have something for Stephanie. Heyman should never play two “Too Mean” cards in one game. Triple H grabs Heyman by the shirt as Heyman continues to taunt Triple H to hit him. Triple H calms down and tries to talk away. Heyman, who clearly has a case of beer muscles, keeps taunting Triple H saying that he can out-think Triple H every single time. Heyman says that he can see everything Triple H can do from a mile away. Triple H responds with a punch to the face followed by his movie line “Did you see that comin?” This is why he’s in the WWE Films, folks. Triple H says that he’ll see Brock Lesnar in Summerslam and that the same thing will happen. If that match ends in one punch, I’ll be very disappointed.
Recaps on Caps on Caps:Santino and RicRod’s Tuxedo Match
Match 03: Alberto Del Rio vs. Santino Marella
J-Rob introduces RicRod who introduces Alberto Del Rio, who’s making his triumphant return to Monday Night RAW after that whole concussion debacle. This is pretty much a squash match. Del Rio destroys Santino. Santino gets some offense in then decides to pull out his Xavier Renegade Angel sock, but gets an enzuigiri for his efforts. Del Rio puts on the Cross Armbreaker and wins the match.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
Post-Match, RicRod holds the ropes for Del Rio to leave the ring then he drops Santino Marella with a single arm DDT! Look who learned a new move!
Recaps on Caps on Caps:Cyndi Lauper’s WWE History
Cyndi Lauper Guest Host Segment:
RAW comes back with Layla, who’s apparently using Tiffany’s new music now, in the ring. What’s the Divas Champ’s job this week? Is it a match? A Dance Contest? A Bikini Contest? No. Layla’s there to introduce Cyndi Lauper and her guest, WWE Hall Of Famer and Former Women’s Champion, Wendi Richter. It’s a guest star within a guest star. Guest Star Inception! As Cyndi Lauper and Wendi Richter have a great time, Heath Slater makes his way to the ring.
Heath Slater tries to stop this trainwreck and mentions that he’s the “One Man Band.” I guess he’s his Rock Band dreams didn’t go too well. After some banter with Lauper, Slater starts to sing his hit single, “I’m A One Man Band.” It’s no Stansky and Rosenberg, but it’s something. Slater keeps singing until Rowdy Roddy Piper’s theme plays and the crowd transfers all of their Ryder energy to Piper energy.
Roddy Piper comes to the ring and goes to kiss Layla’s hand, but gets a kiss on the lips! Piper? Kane? That’s it. I’m buying a mask and a kilt and going out to the bars. Heath Slater is furious that his kayfabe dreams are ruined and he calls Roddy Piper out on not even liking Cyndi Lauper. Lauper says that Piper saw the error of his ways. The segment takes a turn for the better when Piper mentions the Gold Record he smashed over Captain Lou Albano’s head and gives Lauper a replacement Gold record.
After more embracing, Heath Slater interrupts and says that that nobody cares about this (He’s right) and that it was 20 years ago (He’s not right). Slater orders everyone to get out of the ring so he can go back to singing his “One Man Band” song. Piper stops the singing by poking Slater in the eye. Cyndi Lauper decides to get involved and smashes the Gold Record, you know, the one Piper got her because he destroyed the last one. Slater lays out the floor bleeding as Lauper, Layla and Richter dance while Piper stands there looking awesome.
Recaps on Caps on Caps:AW turning on the Colons and joining the Prime Time Players. You know when the WWE doesn’t care about a PPV match when they show you EXACTLY what happened and not pictures.
Match 04: Prime Time Players vs. Primo and Epico
Primo and Epico stand in the ring ready for revenge as AW comes out looking like he’s about to give an E3 Presentation. AW introduces the Prime Time Players who come out and continue to set black people back another 10 years. Cole tries to put over their “Millions Of Dollars” slogan, but I’d much rather say “Millions Of Jobbers.”
Young and O’Neil dominate Epico for the majority of the match until Primo gets a hot tag with a cold result. Primo works his butt off and even does an amazing corkscrew senton! Of course, the crowd doesn’t care; they’re jerks. Titus O’Neil tries to get involved, but he fails. Primo hits the Backstabber on Young, but O’Neil drags his partner out of the ring. Primo and Epico get ready to dive onto the PTP but AW shields his team and opts for the count out instead.
Winners: Primo and Epico
Post-Match, Primo and Epico taunt Darren Young and Titus O’Neil as Michael Cole puts over the return of Chris Jericho last week by showing one of his Fozzy performances. It has me intrigued. Is Chris Jericho coming back like more of a rock star? As long as he doesn’t call himself “Rock God” and have Siri as a personal ring announcer, I’m okay with it.
Match 05: John Cena vs. Team Johnny-Show-tunga
Team Johnny-Show-tunga make their way to the ring as the show cuts to commercial. When the show comes back from commercial, Teddy Long has come to ringside and rips up his giant “Hello, My Name Is Teddy” nametag. Big Show takes the mic and says that it took six men to defeat him at No Way Out. Big Show thanks John Laurinaitis for his iron-clad contract and big fat bonus. He says he’s not going to pander to anyone, not the fans and not even John Laurinaitis. Show claims he’s onto bigger (Golden Corral) and better things (Chocolate Fountain) and refuses to fight (Fresh Spun Cotton Candy). It reminded me of the Dragon Ball Z: Legend Of The Super Saiyan game, when you gave Vegeta an iron-clad move and then he refused to fight for you. Jerk!
As Laurinaitis and Otunga figure out what to do, John Cena makes his way out to the ring. Cena tells his BFF, Stu the Cameraman, “Now I’m ready.” Stu asks Cena, “Ready for what?” but John Cena storms to the ring without giving him an answer. You can do better, Stu. CM Punk looks like he’d be a good friend. As Cena does his usual routine, David Otunga tries to pump up John Laurantiis.
Otunga: Don’t worry. I got this. I’m a former two time tag team champion.
Laurinaitis: With who?
Otuna: … John Cena. *Laurinaitis looks even more concerned*
John Cena dominates David Otunga. Otunga tries to make the tag to John Laurinaitis but Laurinaitis is in Sid Vicious mode and doesn’t want to make the tag. Otunga manages to get some offense in on John Cena as the crowd chants for Zack Ryder. Maybe if the crowd said please, the WWE would give them Zack Ryder. Manners go a long way. Laurinaitis asks for a tag and gets tagged in by Otunga. After being tagged, he makes a miraculous recovery and starts stomping out Cena. Big Johnny tries to tag back out but David Otunga wants no part of it. One, he sees that John Laurinaitis is just fine. And two, you can only get beaten down by John Cena so many times until you realize that you’re just NOT going to win this.
After Otunga walks out John Cena decimates John Laurinaitis and then uses 4 out of his 5 Smackdown: Here Comes The Pain S’s by giving Lauranitis 3 Attitude Adjustments and 1 STF for the victory.
Winner: John Cena
RAW ends on a happy note with John Cena celebrating, Teddy Long celebrating, Zack Ryder complaining, and John Laurinaitis defeated.
So…That Happened: Well….not much noteworthy things happened from this RAW. If you wanted to see AJ be awesome, you were happy. If you wanted to see John Laurinaitis get his comeuppance on RAW, you were happy. If you wanted to see Zack Ryder, you were disappointed. The Heyman/Triple H banter wasn’t bad. Paul Heyman’s delivery on certain lines was great (“C’mon. Just stop.”) other than that, there wasn’t much to this RAW. Hopefully with Money In The Bank and Summerslam coming up, the shows will get better.
That’s it for now. Please leave a comment on here or on Twitter. Until next week, Keep It Five Star!
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