So That Happened, 06/11/12:
This recap is in no way affiliated with The WWE, Monday Night Raw
or the Domino’s Pizza Tracker. We’re Papa John’s guys.
John Laurinaitis’ Job Evaluation:
John Laurinaitis makes his way to the ring and introduces himself until he’s cut off by the Royal Rumble 1999 theme. Wait, that’s not Royal Rumble 1999, it’s Mr. McMahon! McMahon comes to the ring to a loud reaction. John Laurinaitis wants to shake his hand but Vince doesn’t wanna shake his hand. He doesn’t know where it’s been. Yes we do. The Bellas, Eve, Kelly Kelly…John Laurinaitis gives a lot of handshakes. Vince says they’re not buddies and asks John Laurinaitis to give him a reason not to fire his “pencil neck butt.”
John Laurinaitis says Two Words. If you thought he’d say, “Suck It,” you’re stuck in 1998. Laurinaitis says “People Power.” He leads the people and they love him for it. Vince asks the people if they love him and they disagree. As Laurinaitis pleads his case, a loud “Fire Johnny” chant breaks out which puts a smile on Mr. McMahon’s face but a look of concern on Johnny Curtis’. Laurinaitis says he and McMahon are both astute businessman. Vince calls him out on Brock Lesnar causing them two lawsuits and hiring the wrong one legged wrestler. Vince also calls him out on hiring the Big Show back to an iron clad bonus and a big contract. McMahon replies – and I quote:
“What’s wrong with you? What are you thinking?
This guy hasn’t performed effectively since 1999.
What a horrible investment for the WWE.”
Greatest. Line. Ever.
John Laurinaitis continues to put himself over and claims the locker room looks up to him and that they’re his friends. Vince says that they can’t even understand him so how can he be friends. Hey, people didn’t understand the Berzerker and have you SEEN that guy’s Facebook? As John Laurinaitis continues talking all of a sudden –
IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!
Sheamus makes his way out to the ring to let Mr. McMahon know that John Laurinaitis is a good friend. He’s such a good friend that he’ll fine you half a million dollars for no reason and for bumping into you when you’re trying to do your Ultimate Warrior impression. As Sheamus is pleading his case, Mr. McMahon points out “#FireJohnny” is trending worldwide. The crowd chants “Yes!” as Johnny Curtis gets really nervous! Sheamus mentions that John Laurinaitis is the worst General Manager in WWE History. (He out Adamle’d Adamle!) Laurinaitis gets offended and says he’s going to make Sheamus regret what he said when he faces his opponent tonight.
Mr. McMahon chimes in saying that John Laurinaitis’ opponent better be impressive and that the whole night should be impressive or else he’s going to hear these two words: If you thought he’d say “Head Cheese,” then seriously. Get out of the Attitude Era. John Laurinaitis hobbles his way to the back as Mr. McMahon steals John Laurinaitis’s hover scooter and rides up the ramp. With two previously broken quads, the scooter might be a good investment for his future. Better than a 1999 Big Show. After feeling old in the scooter, McMahon dumps the scooter right off the stage! WWE really knows the value of a dollar.
Recaps on Caps on Caps:Mr. McMahon destroying the scooter /
Del Rio’s concussion
John Laurinaitis comes out and introduces Sheamus’ opponent…Tensai.
Match 01: Sheamus vs. Tensai
Tensai makes his way to the ring pushing Mr. Sakamoto for no reason. Tensai’s belly is tucked into his tights. I give Tensai a pass for this. Nestle just released Crunch Bars with Thin Mints in them. We’re all going to be a little fatter. Tensai gets the upperhand at first but Sheamus starts to fight back. Sheamus ends up knocking them both out of the ring which is the cue for a commercial break.
After the commercial break (A face’s biggest weakness) Tensai continues to destroy Sheamus. Tensai goes to the second rope and hits a VADER BOMB on Sheamus. We get it, Tensai. You went to Japan. Sheamus starts to fight back by giving Tensai his chest slaps moves, which just comes off like a pink belly to Tensai. Sheamus goes for the shoulder block but Tensai hits the Saki Bomb and gets a two count. Tensai tries to keep the momentum going but finds himself on the receiving end of a Brogue Kick. Sheamus covers Tensai and gets the win!
Winner: Sheamus
Backstage: Mr. McMahon rubs it in Laurinaitis’ face that Tensai lost and says it’s Strike One. McMahon puts him on the spot and asks him who is going to find to replace Alberto Del Rio this Sunday at No Way Out. Before he can answer, Vickie Guerrero comes in with the most polite “Excuse Me!” ever. She reminds them that there are two former World Champions on the roster, Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger. For those of you who don’t remember, Dolph Ziggler held the title for 10 minutes and Jack Swagger held the title for 2 months. I know that seems bad, but at least it’s not 45 seconds. I’ve finally figured out Big Show’s usefulness. Making others feel good about themselves!
Mr. McMahon thinks it’s a great idea and asks John Laurinaitis if he has any better ideas. Laurinaitis says he does but he wants to hear Teddy Long’s idea first. Teddy Long realizes this his time to shine so he reminds Mr. McMahon that there are actually four former World Heavyweight Champions on the roster. Christian, The Great Khali, Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger. Teddy Long thinks that we should take ALL FOUR OF THEM…and PUT THEM IN A TAG TEAM – Wait. Fatal Four Way? Okay. I guess. Mr. McMahon thinks it’s a brilliant idea, but reminds Teddy Long that he’s still on probation. Okay, he didn’t do that. But that’d be awesome. Laurinaitis says that he was going to say that and orders Teddy to get some coffee. Mr. McMahon stares at him and John Laurinaitis tries to smooth things over with a fist bump. McMahon is disgusted by this and tell him he has “small hands.”
Did You Know? Smackdown is Syfy’s most watched regularly scheduled program for 88 weeks. Lost Girl‘s got a long way to go to catch up to it!
Back in the ring, Tensai is screaming Japanese as Mr. Sakamoto, who just wants Tensai to be comfortable as he does-a-his-a-thing. Tensai goes crazy and attacks him for no reason. My theory is that Sheamus Brogue Kicked Tensai so hard that he turned back into Albert. And now Albert is confused why he can only speak Japanese and doesn’t know where Trish Stratus and Test are. Nobody tell him. He can’t handle it right now.
While Mr. Sakamoto dies on the outside, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler take a look back Seth Green hosting RAW as one of RAW’s 1000th episode moments. Notable things from this package: Triple H calling Seth Green his “friend,” Heel Randy Orton and the sea of hot girls in the crowd.
Backstage: Matt Striker asks R-Truth about how he’s feeling after Big Show beat the hell out of him and Kofi Kingston. Rather than answer the teacher, Truth goes into some Little Jimmy nonsense then says that Big Show is gonna GET GOT lose to John Cena. He can’t even do his catchphrases right. Truth tells Striker that Show is gonna find out the Bigger –
POW! Big Show knocks Truth the hell out. This is by far the greatest part of Monday Night RAW so far. Here’s how great it is. Truth knows the punch is coming. He starts flinching while talking bracing himself for the punch. Then he finally gets punched and it’s incredible. The segment ends with Truth laid out as paramedics go and find help. If only there was a Friday version of this…Wait a Minute!
Recaps on Caps on Caps:R-Truth being KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT
Match 02: Santino and Layla vs. RicRod and Beth Phoenix
Santino comes to the ring with his funny entrance and Xavier Renegade Angel sock. During his entrance, they recap (on cap on cap) Santino’s “classic match” with RicRod. Santino’s partner comes out next…
YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH FOR MEEEEEEE!
WHOOOOOOOOA-OHHHHH!
Layla comes to the ring and the crowd is all popped out from cheering for Santino. When an audience of predominately males cheer Santino over Layla, there’s something wrong. Beth Phoenix comes out next dragging RicRod to the ring with him. Beth Phoenix and Layla kick things off and the fans get ready to go to the bathroom. RicRod tries to tag in but Layla keeps kicking his hands. RicRod tries to attack Layla but Layla kicks him in the face. Beth Phoenix dominates Layla until RicRod tags himself in. Santino comes into the ring, throws up the naked Cobra (No sock) and RicRod runs and hugs Beth Phoenix. The Glamazon tags herself back in and tells RicRod to get out of her ring and stay out.
Layla and Beth Phoenix continue to work hard. Layla even pulls off a double head scissors to Beth Phoenix and RicRod! The crowd could care less unfortunately. Santino scares RicRod outside with the Cobra Sock. RicRod tries to run away but runs right into a pole. Meanwhile, the two women’s wrestlers continue to put on a good match until Layla gets kicked in her injured leg, and Beth Phoenix gives her the Glam Slam.
Winner: Beth Phoenix and RicRod
Post-Match, Beth Phoenix and RicRod celebrate. RicRod goes over the top causing Santino to confront him and rip white shirt right off RicRod’s chest. If you were expecting rock hard abs for RicRod, you expected too much. It’s a Justin Bieber t-shirt! RicRod shrieks embarrassed then runs out of the ring while Santino points and laughs. Santino checks on Layla and points out RicRod’s shirt causing Layla to laugh through the pain. Glad Santino applies the Patch Adams Method to his tag team matches.
Backstage: David Otunga lobbies for John Laurinaitis’ job, which angers Mr. McMahon. McMahon says he doesn’t like lawyers, liars or backstabbers. This means he won’t watch Suits or Franklin and Bash, or Pretty Little Liars. This also means he’s not too fond of the Colon Family Finishing Move. Kofi Kingston barges in and demands to face Big Show tonight because of what he did to his partner. You mean Big Show supplied the drugs to Bourne? Who knew!?! John Laurinaitis comes in and makes Kofi Kingston vs. Big Show a match tonight…in a steel cage!
Recaps on Caps on Caps:AJ creeping Kane out last week
Daniel Bryan’s theme plays and Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring doing his trademark My Little Pony: YESing is Magic Gallop. Bryan stands in the ring for a bit letting the “YES!” chants soak in. Bryan mentions himself, Kane and CM Punk and says one of these Superstars are not like the others. He admits he’s nothing like CM Punk and Kane. He says that both Punk and Kane have a weakness. If you said Nestle’s Crunch Thin Mints Bars, you’re right! They’re everybody’s weakness. But the weakness Daniel Bryan was talking about was AJ.
Bryan says that Punk is pathetic for trying to make him jealous for getting his ex-girlfriend and mocks Kane for thinking that “second base” is getting a girl to look at him. It’s not? I’ve been doing it wrong. Bryan mentions that AJ is still in love with him and that “Once You Go Bryan, there’s no point in trying. AWWWW YEEEEEEEEEEAH!!” Great line!
Bryan says he’s not interested in AJ. He’s interested in the WWE Title. Daniel Bryan says that Question and Answer Time with Daniel Bryan is going to be very short this week.
Q: This Sunday, will Daniel Bryan emerge as WWE Champion?
A: YES! (Real Answer: He has a 33 and a 3rd percent chance)
Daniel Bryan chants “YES” until CM Punk interrupts him. Punk mentions that for someone who’s “not over” AJ, he talks about her enough. Punk calls AJ pretty cool and says they have a lot in common. Didn’t know Punk was into Pokemon. Punk says that Bryan is out of AJ’s league outside the ring and that he’s also out of Punk’s league in the ring. Punk puts over the triple threat match on Sunday and says he’s either going to beat the “deranged out of his mind freak” or Kane. Regardless, he’s walking out of the PPV Sunday with the WWE Championship.
Daniel Bryan says “No” three times then accuses CM Punk out on pandering to everyone. Bryan says the reason Punk’s the Voice of the Voiceless is because the people have nothing to say. Punk responds by calling out Daniel Bryan’s “Yes! Yes! Yes!” shirt then brings up his first pipebomb that he did almost a year ago. Punk mentions that he gets pats on the back from people saying that it was one of the greatest moments RAW’s 1000 moments of all time. CM Punk says he hasn’t changed since then and he’s achieved everything he’s earned this part year own his own. Punk says he and Bryan used to be similar, but now Bryan’s a “Selfish, Self-Absorbed, Insecure, Obnoxious, Goat Faced Moron.” The crowd starts chanting Goatface (Awesome) and Punk says he’s going to give Daniel Bryan a wake-up call, ironically when he puts him to sleep. So I guess this means no Anaconda Vice.
EXPLOSION!
Kane’s theme plays and he makes his way to the ring to interrupt this awesome moment. Kane starts to list his resume: Setting Jim Ross on fire, Electrocuting Shane McMahon’s testicles and Tombstoning a Priest. No mention of Katie Vick. That’s on his LinkedIn account. Kane says unlike CM Punk, his Pipebombs are real. I don’t think Kane’s ever set off an actual Pipebomb, but I wouldn’t put hit past him.
AJ makes her way to the ring next, yelling “Stop.” Michael Cole says “Psycho Alert” while Jerry Lawler thinks she’s actually crazy. AJ says regardless of what Kane says, she looked into his eyes last week. She says deep down in Kane’s tortured soul he has a heart. Kane looks down not really knowing what to say. The red mask is doing all the blushing for him. CM Punk says “You gotta loooooovveee crazy chicks!” and the crowd chants “Crazy Chicks.”
AJ says to Daniel Bryan that you never get over your first love. Daniel Bryan smiles, but I know that AJ is really thinking about Primo. AJ turns to CM Punk but before she speaks, a loud #GoatFace chant breaks out due to GoatFace being the #1 trend on Twitter. AJ calls CM Punk the coolest person she’s ever known in her entire life. That’s only because she hasn’t met me yet. Who am I kidding? She’s met me. And the restraining order is real. AJ says that she knows that this Sunday at No Way Out, the best man will win.
John Laurinaitis suddenly appears on the screen reminding us all he still exists. He decides to steal another idea from Teddy Long and makes a TAG TEAM MATCH! But not any TAG TEAM MATCH! A mixed TAG TEAM MATCH! Daniel Bryan and Kane vs. CM Punk and AJ!
We come back from commercial with Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler putting over the Domino’s Pizza Tracker. Yes. The Domino’s Pizza Tracker. Jerry Lawler is very excited to jones for some ‘za.
Match 03: Christian vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger vs.
The (Not So) Great Khali
Christian makes his way to the ring. Has anyone ever told him that he looks like Christian Cage? (Hey, if I have to believe that Joseph Parks and Abyss are two different people, I can believe Christian/Christan Cage are different.) Khali comes out next trying to not kill someone on his way to the ring. Vickie Guerrero comes out next and introduces Dolph Ziggler with enthusiasm. Ziggler comes out and does a much shorter #ZiggleWiggle than usual. He means business. Vickie follows up with a less enthusiastic reaction for Jack Swagger. Even she knows Jackie Swaggs isn’t winning this one.
The match begins and The (Not So) Great Khali manhandles everyone. If the guy hurt Del Rio, why put him back in the ring? Khali hits several chops to his opponents (It’s Super Effective) Eventually, Swagger tackles Khali’s knees allowing Dolph Ziggler to dropkick Khali to the mat, which allows Christian to hit the Frog Splash. All three hit the Looney Tunes “Dogpile on The Rabbit” spot to eliminate Khali. Now we can have a triple threat match that we’ll be proud of.
Winner: Wrestling Fans
Back to the actual match and Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger double team Christian. Christian manages to throw Ziggler out of the ring and turns his attention to Jack Swagger. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger are like The Ice Climbers from Super Smash Brothers Melee. Dolph’s the guy who does all the work and is much more talented. And Swagger’s the girl who just makes things difficult for you. Swagger gets the upper hand on Christian again, but loses momentum when he goes for the Vader Bomb. Vader Bombs are like the Naked Man. They only work 2 out of 3 times, but more on that later.
Swagger manages to get the Ankle Lock on Christian, but Christian reverses it and hits the Killswitch on Swagger. Before he can make the cover, Ziggler dives on top of Swagger and gets the three count. Jack Swagger has been eliminated.
It’s down to Christian and Dolph Ziggler. The two have a back and forth match, as loud “Let’s Go Ziggler” chants are heard from the Hartford Crowd. Christian hits the Spear but only gets a two count. More Ziggler chants are heard from the crowd as Ziggler hits the “Zocker Dropper”on Christian. His Mr. Ass/Marty Jannetty tribute only gets him a two count. After more near falls, Christian climbs to the Top Rope but gets distracted by Vickie Guerrero. Christian dives off the top rope but hurts his ankle which allows Dolph Ziggler to hit the Zig Zag and get the win!
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Post-Match, Ziggler celebrates saying “It’s About Damn Time!” As Ziggler walks up the ramp backwards, Sheamus walks out to confront him. The two go face to face (Actually face to chest) and talk trash hyping up the match this Sunday. I know we’ve seen it before, but it’s Dolph Ziggler. It’s going to be a good one.
Backstage: Natalya tells Mr. McMahon how much fun the Wrestlemania Moment with Bret Hart and the Hart Family was and asks him several times if they can do it again. I don’t know if Natalya’s gimmick is also a crazy chick, but it’s better than the farting thing. McMahon says to talk about it later. Natalya says she’ll be waiting here for him as McMahon walks right into a GHETTO SANDWICH!
Naomi and Cam’ron start dancing on Mr. McMahon then ask him to overrule John Laurinaitis decision and bring The Funkasuarus back to RAW. McMahon says he doesn’t know if he can do that, and the Funkadactyls do their mating call and call Mr. McMahon out on not being cool. Then the Funkadactyls mention that they know Mr. McMahon knows how to get Funky. After some hesitation, McMahon says “SOMEBODY CALL MY MAMA!” and starts dancing with Naomi and Cam’ron. If I were Brodus, I’d be pissed. You’re gone for one day and your Funkadactyls move on to an old, white guy? That’s messed up. No loyalty on Planet Funk.
After the dancing, Mr. McMahon spots a shocked Zack Ryder then fist pumps and says “WOO WOO WOO! You know it!” before walking off. Mr. McMahon accomplished several things in this segment. He proved he can tolerate the Hart Family, that he’s down with the brothers (and sistas) and that he actually knows Zack Ryder’s a thing. Or he just wanted to ruin Canadians, booty pops and fist pumps for everyone.
Match 04: Skip Rob Van Goldberg (Ryback) vs.
Willard Filmore and Rutherford P.S. Hayes
Skip Rob Van Goldberg makes his way to the ring first for once. His theme song is even a rip off. It’s part Hardy Boyz and part Vader. Willard Filmore and Rutherford “P.S.” Hayes (Second best names ever #StanskyandRosenberg ) make their way to the ring next. They cut a promo about being different and unlike the Hartford Whalers, they’re winning. Spoiler Alert: They get mauled.
Winner: Skip Rob Van Goldberg
Post-match, S.R.V.G. yells “FEED ME MORE!” three times before yelling “DONE!” so did anyone actually feed him? Does he eat imaginary food? I don’t get you, sir.
Backstage: Vince McMahon and Hornswoggle have some Father and Son bonding watching Hornswoggle imitate Jim Ross on Smackdown. McMahon does his own unfunny impression of Jim Ross then stops Hornswoggle from doing his again. Hornswoggle leaves as John Cena enters to a huge reaction.
Mr. McMahon greets John Cena like Chris Traeger from Parks and Recreation. Come to think of it, that’s how he greets everyone he likes. When he doesn’t like them, he treats them like Ron Swanson. Cena tells McMahon the sooner Laurinaitis is out of a job the better and McMahon throws his Wrestlemania loss to the Rock in his face. Cena says he didn’t know success was measured in Wrestlemania Wins and Losses. It is for The Undertaker. Mr. McMahon tells Cena to focus on Big Show at No Way Out and to NOT worry about saving Kofi Kingston tonight (Racist.) Cena says he spoke to Kofi and that Kofi will handle his business. Cena tries to get McMahon to fire John Laurinaitis again by doing the ass-kissing stuff CM Punk spoke about in his promo a year ago then walks off.
Just when you think it’s over, David Otunga tries to defend lawyers but Mr. McMahon tells him no one has any respect for a sycophant and that no one will have any respect for someone who will pucker up and kiss someone’s behind. McMahon says “No Offense” then the camera pans to a sad William Regal. If you’re looking for new GMs, let Regal do it again. He was great!
Match 04: Kofi Kingston vs. Big Show (Steel Cage)
S.O.S! YOU KNOW I’M JOBBIN!
S.O.S! WHY AM I TRYINNNNN!
I’M JOBBIN!
Kofi Kingston comes to the ring determined but destined to lose. Cole recaps the Truth knock out and tells us that Brodus Clay will be taking on David Otunga at the No Way Out Pre-Show. Gonna be a “classic.” Big Show makes his way to the ring next. Not much to say about this one. Big Show destroys Kofi Kingston. Kofi has a few good offensive maneuvers and almost wins, but ultimately falls victim to the Big Show. After the match, the paramedics check on Kofi while John Laurinaitis watches backstage with a big smile on his face.
Winner: Big Show
Did You Know? WWE is winning the Facebook War against ESPN, AT & T, UFC, MLB, Microsoft, Nike, Budweiser and the NFL. Small victories count I guess.
Match 05: Sin Cara vs. Curt Hawkinnnnnnnnnns!
Sin Cara makes his way to the ring with his old music. First botch since he’s returned and this one isn’t his fault. His new entrance seems anti-climactic and unnecessary. Curt Hawkins gets snubbed from an entrance once again. A small “Let’s Go Hawkins” chant breaks out which is awesome. The commentators put over that Sin Cara had a comic book made after him in Mexico. Chris Jericho, The Undertaker and The Ultimate Warrior also had comics. That’s not necessarily a good thing.
Not much to say about this one either. Curt Hawkins tries his best, but it’s Sin Cara. So he’s losing. After a few kicks and flips, Sin Cara hits his spinning head scissor face slam thing and gets the win.
Winner: Sin Cara (With New Music This Time!)
Thurman’s “Sparky” Plugs: WWE Backstage Fallout on Youtube /
No Way Out Card
Backstage: Daniel Bryan stretches backstage until Mr. McMahon walks over to him (still doing the Traeger name thing) and wants to wish him good luck in his match. Bryan says he thought McMahon wouldn’t like “someone like him.” McMahon says he wanted to get his opinion on judging books by their cover. He mocks Daniel Bryan’s size then Bryan cuts him off mentioning he was fired from the WWE once and proved them wrong. Bryan tells McMahon that they also have the fact that they are “Self Made Success” stories in common. McMahon says unlike the length of time it took Bryan to lose his championship at Mania, he’s never finished anything in 18 seconds.
RAW 1000thMoment:Dolph Ziggler’s recaps the first episode of RAW.
Did he mark out for Max Moon like I did? HE HAD A FREAKIN JET PACK!
Match 06: Heath Slater vs. Former RAW Main Eventer
Heath Slater says they shouldn’t be celebrating past RAW Superstars. They should be celebrating current RAW Superstars like him. Isn’t Slater on Smackdown? Anyway, Heath Slater says that “It’s time! It’s time! It’s Slater Time!” And just like that…
IT’S TIME!
IT’S TIME!!
IT’S VADER TIME!!!
I swear. Calling out “It’s time” twice followed by a variation of “Vader Time” brings Vader out. It’s like Beetlejuice. Vader comes to the ring as the crowd marks out (As they should) Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler go over the Vader Wikipedia. I don’t think anyone is expecting Heath Slater to win this. And he doesn’t. Vader destroys Heath Slater until the crowd chants for Vader Bomb. Vader hits the Vader Bomb for the win.
Winner: Vader
Vader looks great and Vader Time was the #1 Trend on Twitter. Some credit has to be given to Heath Slater too. Not many people sign up to take a beating from Vader.
Thurman’s “Sparky” Plugs:David Otunga / Stephanie McMahon Be A Star Rally
Backstage: CM Punk and AJ are going over the game plan for tonight. CM Punk says that it’s a glorified handicap match and the advantage that they have over Bryan/Kane is that they trust each other. AJ chimes in that they “really really” like each other. Punk reluctantly agrees and tells her they’ll be fine if she doesn’t do anything crazy. AJ calms down and gives Punk a kiss on the cheek before leaving. Punk’s beard is pretty shaggy so she was pretty much kissing hair.
Match 08: Daniel Bryan/Kane vs. CM Punk / AJ
Kane makes his way to the ring first as Cole / Lawler recap (on cap on cap) Kane’s life last week. Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring next still having the energy to MLP:YIM gallop. CM Punk’s theme plays next as CM Punk and AJ come out together. Somehow AJ got even MORE adorable in the last 5 minutes. Look how timid she is while CM Punk does his entrance. ADORABLE! And no, I didn’t say “adorkable.”
As CM Punk said, it’s a glorified handicap match. CM Punk puts up his best effort to face Kane and Daniel Bryan but it’s too much for him. During the match, Jerry Lawler says he can’t even imagine Kane in a relationship and Michael Cole calls him out seeing several Kane relationships during RAW’s 1000 episode history. I’d credit continuity, but this was more of an episode plug. Kane hits CM Punk so hard that he accidentally tags in AJ. Referee John Cone could’ve just let it be an accident, but it’s more fun this way.
The timid AJ gets in the ring as Kane stares at her. AJ tries to figure out what to do. She could fight her opponent like Lita did in her mixed tag. She could run away like Candice Michelle. She could spear him like Kelly Kelly. What wrestler does AJ choose to emulate? She chooses…Bugs Bunny!
Yes. AJ skips around Kane in a circle then hops in Kane’s arms and gives him a big kiss. Kane stands there confused as AJ smiles at him. Kane decides to tag Daniel Bryan in and walk out. I assume he’s going to fap out his feelings. Daniel Bryan tries to charge at AJ but she tags CM Punk in. CM Punk elbow smashes Daniel Bryan then hits the Macho Elbow for the win.
Winner: CM Punk and AJ
Post-match, AJ sits in the middle of the ring “Punking” and looking even MORE adorable. Seriously! How can someone get cuter by the minute? While this happens, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan and Kane stare at her confused.
John Laurinaitis’ Job Evaluation Pt. 2 (The Remix):
Mr. McMahon makes his way to the ring with Security Guards AKA a who’s who of Ryback’s potential opponents. McMahon takes the mic and puts over Connecticut. He mentions that Stephanie McMahon was born in Hartford (Did You Know?) He says since one life began in Hartford, one life should presumably end in Hartford (Professionally) Vinnie Mac asks for Big Johnny to come down to the ring as the announcer recap the death of John Laurinaitis’ scooter.
Laurinaitis comes to the ring and mentions that he didn’t appreciate what Mr. McMahon did to his scooter. McMahon “apologizes” and Laurinaitis tells him he also didn’t need to bring security out there for protection. McMahon tells him that the security guards are here to escort Big Johnny out of the building. Laurinaitis tries to put over his accomplishments once more, but Mr. McMahon isn’t having it. McMahon is about to utter his two favorite words (No, not “Sex Cauldron”) but he’s interrupted by The Big Show’s theme music. Big Show makes his way to the ring next.
Big Show comes out and lobbies for Laurinaitis putting over his “iron clad” contract to do and say what he wants. Big Show says he could get fired, but if he did, McMahon would have to pay him millions of dollars to do absolutely nothing. Surprisingly, Darren Young and Titus O’Neil didn’t come out to dance. If Big Show knocked them out too, he would be my favorite wrestler.
Big Show vents his frustrations to Mr. McMahon about all of the stupid things he’s done in the past 14 years. He says Mr. McMahon never let him be a giant but now with his iron-clad contract, he can finally be a giant and not a part of McMahon’s “Dog and Pony” show. Big Show was going to do a guest spot on the Pound Puppy/My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic crossover on the HUB, but now that spot goes to The Miz.
Big Show tells McMahon that he should be worried about the other John (ny Curtis? Cone? Morrison?) and that this Sunday, the Golden Goose (John Cena) is going to get his feathers plucked. Yes. He actually said that. John Cena comes out next and he tells his BFF, Stu the Cameraman, “How is everyone? How are you at home? You’re good? I’m good!” So before Stu can even answer the question, Cena turns his attention to the people watching at home? We can’t answer you, John. Stu can. Have a real conversation with him for once.
Once again ignoring Stu the Cameraman’s feelings, Cena rushes to the ring, shakes Mr. McMahon’s hand then starts his latest standup routine. Cena rants about Big Show’s complaining (And makes some chicken nugget joke. “Lol.”) Cena tells Big Show that he’s always been a Giant and asks him what makes now so different? Rather than let Big Show answer the question, Cena answers it himself and says that finally “Everything’s Coming Up Big Show.” Cena says that there’s not an odds maker alive that would paint him as the favorite at No Way Out. If your odds maker is betting on wrestling, then there’s a bigger problem here.
Cena brings up the idea of Big Show losing and says if he does, then he has no one to blame and that no one will look at him the same again. He will no longer be “The World’s Largest Athlete.” He’ll be “World’s Largest Disappointment.” He’s already the “World’s Largest Disappointment.” He has it on his “World’s Largest Coffee Mug.” Cena tells Big Show that he’ll have to show up every day and live with the fact he’s a sellout. Mr. McMahon chimes in and says he’ll be ringside with John Laurinaitis. McMahon says if Big Show loses the match, he’ll say those “Famous Two Words” to John Laurinaitis.
Big Show grabs John Cena until security gets involved. As usual, they’re no help and they get taken out by Big Show and Cena. Show and Cena continue to brawl until John Laurinaitis and Mr. McMahon get involved. Mr. McMahon gets a Big Show punch for his involvement. Compared to the punch Bret Hart gave him, this was nothing. RAW ends with Laurinaitis and Big Show fleeing the scene while John Cena wonders what happened as paramedics come to check on Mr. McMahon.
So….That Happened: 3 Hours was a lot of hours, but I guess we have to get used to it. Overall, I enjoyed this week’s RAW. The matches were good for the most part. The build for Big Show/Cena and Bryan/Punk/Kane was solid. Dolph Ziggler finally won a match. Layla was back on TV. There was a lot of good. I don’t know how many people are buying No Way Out, but I’m excited to check it out.
That’s it for now. Please leave a comment on here or on Twitter. Until next time, Keep It Five Star!
Three Man Booth 