So That Happened: 06/05/12

When unable to tweet (hence last week’s absence),
Kyle will post Monday Night RAW commentary,“So…That Happened.” 

So That Happened, 06/05/12:

This recap is in no way affiliated with The WWE, Monday Night Raw 
but it IS affiliated with Stansky and Rosenberg. For all your
entertainment needs!

Recaps on Caps on Caps: Big Show’s rampage on the faces
Michael Cole kicks RAW off calling out John Cena for an interview. Cena comes out and tells his BFF, Stu The Cameraman, “How are you at home? How are you out there? They’re everywhere.” Stu’s day was great, John. He saved Alicia Fox from choking in catering. But you didn’t ask him about his day, did you? Cena says “Let’s start the show, shall we?” Cena’s so mean to Stu. I don’t know why Stu puts up with it.
Michael Cole blames John Cena for Big Show’s attacks on the faces. Cole says this all could have been avoided but Cena wanted to be a comedian instead. Just like his wrestling, Cena’s comedy isn’t very good. Cole asks Cena if he’s proud of himself. Cena repeats the question then asks if Cole still has his collection of My Little Pony’s. Michael Cole seems like a Pinkie Pie kind of guy, despite wearing Twilight Sparkle purple.
Bronyism aside, Cena says that he’s proud of himself then rants about Laurinaitis being a power hungry bully and reminds us of him firing Big Show. Cena tells his plan of getting Laurinaitis fired and getting Big Show’s job back. You know if he told Big Show this plan, it would’ve avoided a lot of trouble. Cole calls Cena out on his plan not being set in stone and says Cena’s wrapped up in his own ego. Cole tells Cena that the WWE is not about him (Lie of the year) and defends Big Show’s actions. Cena calls Big Show a man that wants a wallet the size of his waistline. I don’t blame the Big Show. He’s gotta put those Subway sandwich cards somewhere. Cena says that Big Show turned his back on him and the crowd.
Cole calls Cena out on being jealous because Big Show won his match at Wrestlemania and that Cena lost his and got beaten up by Brock Lesnar. Cole mentions that he has been supporting John Cena for years, but he’s tired of it. The John Cena shirt, wristbands, hats, wall clocks, slippers, koozies, beach balls and yarmulkes were one thing. But the John Cena Birth Control pills are the last straw. Cole hopes that Big Show destroys Cena and puts us all out of our misery. I don’t. That leaves us with more Big Show, which leaves us more miserable than before. Cole reminds Cena that he can’t be attacked; a rule Jim Ross wishes they had this rule back in 2011. Or 2003. Or 2001. Jim Ross gets attacked a lot.
John Laurinaitis’ Final Fantasy music plays and he comes to the ring in his hover round. He tells Cena that he let Big Show picked his opponent last week and that, in the spirit of People Power, Cena is allowed to pick his opponent this week. In the spirit of People Power, Cena picked Laurinaitis but Big Johnny retired. Cena gets on board with the idea and picks his opponent, Michael Cole, for the Main Event. Cole asks Laurinaitis to tell Cena that he can’t do it. Laurinaitis just wheels away like a boss. Did you hear the sound of that? That’s the sound of remotes simultaneously clicking to the NBA Playoffs.
Jerry Lawler mentions CM Punk vs. Kane and Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus tonight. So if you didn’t see Smackdown, this is brand new for you. Also Kane’s photo is on fire again. WHO took these pictures?
Did You Know: “Humble” Bragging about Wrestlemania 28’s DVD sales
Backstage: Michael Cole pleads with John Laurinaitis to not have the match tonight, but Laurinaitis mentions a rumor that everyone’s job is going to be evaluated and that he’s all about People Power and giving the people what they want. Cole says that the people don’t want to see the match. The idiots cheer meaning that we’re getting the match. Lauranitis says “Yes they do” and tells Cole to do his job and get ready for his match. Cole pleads more, and Laurinaitis tells him not to call him Johnny before driving off Like A Boss!
Match 01: Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus
Vickie Guerrero comes out asking to be Excused, but Michael Cole storms past her in a huff. Vickie introduces Dolph Ziggler with real #ZiggleWiggle action! Asscape sold separately.
IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!
Sheamus makes his way to the ring next. The match begins and Sheamus starts off strong, but is eventually distracted by Vickie Guerrero which causes Ziggler to get the upperhand. During the match, Cole and Lawler keep talking about Cole’s Main Event Match tonight. Ziggler puts in a strong amount of offense until he goes for a Sleeper which Sheamus turns into “White Noise.” Sheamus starts beating his chest until he Brogue Kick’s Dolph Ziggler into the next dimension. Sheamus does his #SeductiveSheamus pin and gets the victory.
Winner: Sheamus
Sheamus celebrates until Alberto Del Rio attacks him from behind WWE 12 style. Sheamus and Del Rio brawl until RicRod comes out and tackles Sheamus … slowly. He eventually succeeds, causing Sheamus to hit his head on the big W on the ramp. Del Rio proceeds to put Sheamus in the armbreaker on the ramp while RicRod yells at Sheamus in Spanish. Del Rio and RicRod stand tall as the refs check on Sheamus. The refs are still pissed at Sheamus so they’re not trying very hard.
Backstage: John Laurinaitis is yelling at a shorter, fatter David Otunga to get him coffee. Bizzaro-Tunga leaves and the REAL David Otunga walks over with his coffee cup and iPad telling Laurinaitis about Mr. McMahon returning to RAW next week to give John Laurinaitis a Job Performance Evaluation. Laurinaitis gets more Job Performance Evaluations than Homer Simpson.
Ringside, Cole agrees with why Laurinaitis put him in a match now, but then gets mad that the graphics team made a graphic.
Match 02: Sin Cara vs. Hunico
Sin Cara makes his way to the ring with new attire and no trampoline. While Sin Cara was gone, the trampoline failed its Wellness Tests. We wish trampoline the best of luck in its future endeavors. Hunico makes his way to the ring next with a new bike, new t-shirt and old Camacho.
The match begins and Sin Cara and Hunico continue their rivalry. Cole puts over Sin Cara’s injury and his history with Hunico as the two have a back and forth match. Sin Cara takes control with several flips, and armdrags. Camacho gets involved but fails. Sin Cara hits the hurricanrana face plant for the victory.
Winner: Sin Cara aka “Mexico’s Most Popular Superstar Of All Time”
Recaps on Caps on Caps: Ryback (Skip Rob Van Goldberg) killing people
RAW 1000 Moments:John Cena recalls the time he was drafted to RAW. He speaks about how the crowd loved it. One year later, half of MSG chanted “Go To Smackdown.”
Match 03: Skip Rob Van Goldberg vs. Arthur Rosenberg and Stan Stansky
Stan Stansky and Arthur Rosenberg do a rhyming promo that would make Team Rocketproud. My words don’t do this promo justice. If you haven’t seen it, check it out. Skip Rob Van Goldberg makes his way to the ring then proceeds to demolish Stansky and Rosenberg. Rather than talk about the match, I’d rather talk about the things Stansky and Rosenberg can do now that their careers have been Ryback’d.
Open a Law Firm
Sell Furniture and give Raymour and Flanigan Some Competition
Host an Early Morning Radio Show
Star in their own Cartoon on Nickelodeon
A Singing Telegram – Oh. It’s over.
Winner: Skip Rob Van Goldberg
Thurman’s “Sparky” Plugs: The No Way Out Theme Song
Match 04: CM Punk vs. Kane (There must be a winner!)
CM Punk heads to the ring to face Kane for the 1000th time. Their matches are usually terrible but their last Smackdown match was actually pretty good. As Punk makes his way to the ring, Michael Cole makes a phone call to try and get his match with John Cena changed. While he’s on the phone, Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring doing his trademark (And Cole’s favorite): My Little Pony: YESing is Magic gallop. Twilight Sparkle is also Daniel Bryan’s favorite pony.


Daniel Bryan says it’s time for a little Question and Answer Time with Daniel Bryan. Winner gets a prize.
Q: Has AJ gone completely delusional since Daniel Bryan dumped her?
A: Yes! (Real answer: No. She’s just playing the field. Taking it slow)
Q: Will Kane destroy CM Punk tonight?
A: Yes! (Real Answer: No. The only thing Kane destroyed recently was Zack Ryder)
Q: At No Way Out, will Daniel Bryan become the new WWE Champion?
A: Yes! (Real Answer: Ask Again Later)
None of you answered “Ask Again Later.” No prize for you. Oh well. Kane makes his way to the ring with two masks and zero fucks. I don’t know if it’s the mask(s) or if it’s because CM Punk’s a Main Eventer now, but their past two matches have been the best out of their “rivalry.”
Kane dominates the majority of the match until CM Punk makes a comeback with a knee to the jaw while Kane climbed the top rope. CM Punk goes for a GTS but since he’s not John Cena, he fails. Kane goes for a Chokeslam but CM Punk counters with a neckbreaker then climbs the top rope only to be throat thrusted for his efforts. Punk manages to hit the Macho Elbow on Kane but Kane kicks out.  Punk and Kane take it to the outside until Kane throws Punk into the barricade. Kane gets back in the ring while the referee decides to admonish him, allowing Bryan to kick him several times. Kane brings Punk back in the ring but gets a kick to the head.
Kane and Punk are down until the lovely AJ comes to the ring to distract the Big Red Monster! Daniel Bryan gets mad at AJ. CM Punk dives on Daniel Bryan. CM Punk gets distracted by AJ which allows Kane to get the Chokeslam for the victory.
Winner: Kane
Post-Match, AJ checks on Punk but Kane ends up getting Kane’s attention. AJ looks frightened as Kane inches closer to her, but then AJ puts her hair behind her ear and smiles at Kane.  Kane gets turned off at the idea that the girl might actually be into it and storms off. AJ checks on CM Punk some more as Daniel Bryan sits on the ground with the “That Chick Cray” face.
Did You Know: WWE brags about having more Facebook friends than MLB and their teams. They literally used COMBINED in big bold letters. I have more Facebook friends than Cleveland, but you don’t see me bragging about it. Not the sports team, my friend Cleveland.
Backstage: Josh Mathews, who clearly didn’t learn to stay out of people’s business after the Brock Lesnar incident, asks AJ about the “look” she gave Kane out there. AJ gets defensive about the question then grabs Josh Mathews tie (Oh no! Run Justin Roberts!) AJ says she likes when men look at her. (Yes!) AJ calls Josh Mathews out on being uncomfortable and not liking aggressive women. After some Randy Orton inspired facial expressions, She says that Josh Mathews might be her type. If that guy is her type, then I’m asking AJ every dumb questions I can think of.
Recaps on Caps on Caps: John Cena making the match with Michael Cole
Jerry Lawler makes fun of Michael Cole then Cole proceeds to plead with the WWE Universe to Social Media Swoon with the WWE Universe. Cole segways into a Big Show video. The Big Show video is pretty much Big Show’s version of Brock Lesnar’s “I’m an asskicker” promo.
Match 05: Kofi Kingston/R-Truth vs. Curt Hawkins/Tyler Reks
Kofi and Truth have their usual entrance with a little bit of injury selling. Hawkins and Reks don’t get an entrance. Curt Hawkins name should be a wrestling fan greeting. Like the wrestling fan version of “Wazaaaah” Imagine walking up to your friends and just yelling “CURT HAWKINNNNNNNNNNNNS!” It could be a thing.
Anyway, Kofi and Truth dominate the beginning. There’s also a new black ref that looks like Abraham Washington. Maybe that’s what happened to AW Promotions. Truth does a breakdance split which hurts his injured ribs. Why would you do that if you’re injured? Idiot. Hawkins and Reks build up some offense but eventually fall victim to the hot tag to Kofi Kingston and the Boom Drop.
Winners: Kofi Kingston and R-Truth
You know what would’ve helped put Big Show over more AND Hawkins and Reks? If Kofi and Truth lost. I’m not just saying this because I don’t like Truth, but the two healthy people should be able to beat the two injured people. Just saying….Anyway, John Cena is shown walking to the ring as Michael Cole facepalms himself. The match of the year is next.
Recaps on Caps on Caps: Triple H talks about his return to RAW in 2002. I was there live. It was one of the best things I’ve seen. Fun Fact: It’s also the birth of the Kurt Angle “You Suck” chant started by 3MB. I’m NOT making this up.
Match 06: John Cena vs. Michael Cole
John Cena makes his way to the ring. He tells his BFF, Stu the cameraman, “It is time! Look at him!” then mocks Cole’s face, then says “It is time!” Stu the Cameraman wonders if it’s Vader Time. It’s always Vader Time, Stu.
John Laurinaitis music hits and says that it’s clear that everyone wants to see Cena vs. Cole. If that’s clear, then Laurinaitis needs Visine. Laurinaitis says that it’s also clear that he always over delivers. So he makes the match a No DQ match if Cena can beat….
Match 06: John Cena vs. Tensai
Tensai comes out with his belly tucked in and pushes Mr. Sakamoto. Rude! Cole says Cena has never beaten Tensai. This is true. Cena’s beaten Albert several times. Tensai is Albert’s distant 2nd cousin from Japan. Tensai dominates Cena for the majority of the match until John Cena comes back and legit wins clean with the Five Moves Of Doom. I’ve had this happen to me in WWE12 once. It’s infuriating.
Winner: John Cena
Match 07: John Cena vs. Michael Cole
John Cena realizes that he gets to face Michael Cole and Cole does his best Kevin Hart Women voice. “Oh My God. No. I didn’t mean it. Oh My God.” Cole tries to run but Cena catches him and noogies him. Cole runs again but Cena grabs him and throws him into the ring. Cole pleads with Cena to not have the match. Cole says that he’s supported Cena his entire career and they don’t have to do it this way. Cena laughs and Cole takes more lessons from the Kevin Hart playbook and starts to yell at Cena and the WWE Universe.
Michael Cole asks John Cena how embarrassed he’s going to be when he beats him. Cole brings up his undefeated streak at Wrestlemania and beating Jerry Lawler. Cole pokes Cena’s chest and says, “My Name Is Michael Cole. And don’t you forget that.” A little gimmick infringement from Quick Draw McGraw never hurt anybody, right? Cena says that tonight the fans are gonna remember Cole as the guy who got his ass kicked.
John Cena proceeds to chop Michael Cole and strip him of his clothes. Cena puts Cole in a headlock and forces him to apologize to Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross. Cena makes Cole admit how much he loves JR’s Barbeque Sauce, which Cole calls “Slobber Knocker Good.” Okay. That was funny. Cena wishes for some sauce and Jerry Lawler miraculously pulls some out. Cena begins to douse Michael Cole in BBQ sauce. I feel like I’m writing some bizarre John Cena/Michael Cole slash fic.
Cena pulls out the fire extinguisher and sprays Michael Cole with it. Tensai, who hates when people waste BBQ sauce and abuse their fire extinguisher privileges, comes out and drops Cena with the Derailer (Or Saki Bomb or whatever he calls it.) This would’ve all been avoided if John Cena just beat Michael Cole. Cole tries to get the win, but Cena kicks out. Cole starts slapping Cena in the head then picks up the fire extinguisher. Cole tries to use it, but Cena catches him and hits him with the AA for the win.
Winner: John Cena
Post-Match, John Cena continues to waste the fire extinguisher while Jerry Lawler reminds the WWE Universe to have their pets spade or neutered. Also, there’s the 3 Hour RAW with Mr. McMahon evaluating John Laurinaitis at the beginning of the show. The show ends with Cena spraying Cole with more fire extinguisher while doing his best Tony Schiavonne “WE’RE OUT OF TIME!” impression.
So…That Happened: Let’s start with the good. CM Punk/Daniel Bryan/Kane/AJ continued. Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler had a solid match. Del Rio got some solid offense in for once. And Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks were on TV. Stansky and Rosenberg….C’mon. They were great!
Everything else I wasn’t a fan of. I’m sure Cena/Cole appeals to someone, but it doesn’t appeal to me. The Kofi/Truth victory really bugged me. I don’t like to play fantasy booker, but when it wouldn’t have hurt to give Hawkins and Reks the win. Especially if you’re playing up the fact that Kofi and Truth are hurt. With RAW being a Go-Home Three Hour Show, I can only hope that things will be a lot better. Randy Orton and Chris Jericho are gone. Now is the time to make new stars. Not spray announcers with a fire extinguisher.
That’s all for this week, folks! Please let me know what you think via Twitter or the comments section. That’s it for now. Keep It Five Star!
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