So That Happened, 5/21/12

When unable to tweet, Kyle will post Monday Night RAW commentary called,
“So…That Happened.” 

So That Happened, 5/21/12:

This recap is in no way affiliated with The WWE, Monday Night Raw 
or Jinder Mahal’s hat case.

Recaps on Caps on Caps: John Cena’s screwjob at Over The Limit
RAW begins with John Cena making his way to the ring snubbing his BFF, Stu the Cameraman, Stu the Cameraman is pissed John Cena is snubbing him on his BIRTHDAY of all days! Cena talks about usually being a good sport whether he wins, loses or draws (When does he draw?) but then gets upset about John Laurinaitis beating him. He’s more upset about why it happened than how it happened. Cena talks about how great it was to beat up Laurinaitis claiming that we were all having fun watching it. If that’s John Cena’s idea of fun, then I am NOT RSVPing to his Memorial Day party. Cena complains about the Big Show swerving everyone, but it’s not really a swerve if everyone sees it coming, right? Well, everyone except John Cena.
Cena says the reason he didn’t beat Laurinaitis sooner was because Big Show would’ve knocked him out anyway. Not true, Johnboy. If you beat him 15 minutes earlier, you wouldn’t have this problem. Big Show’s not a fast runner. It’s one of several reasons why he never participates in WWE Triathlons. Cena  claims that the next GM would’ve rehired Big Show (Even the Anonymous RAW GM)  and complains that he was Benedict Arnold’d (Would be a great idea for a Punk’d series) and that we’re stuck with Laurinaitis. John Cena has officially beaten John Morrison out in the screwjob-whining category.
John Laurinaitis’ theme hits and The Handsome Eve Torres comes out. Cena mentions that “John Laurinaitis got hot but he still sucks.” It only furthers my suspicions that Eve is handsome. After Eve introduces Big Johnny, he comes out on a Mobile Scooter. He should’ve just borrowed Alberto Del Rio’s. You know he has one. Laurinaitis mentions his injuries including a broken clavicle (Candice Michelle disease) and nerve damage, but regardless he’s okay because in the ring, he’s a fierce competitor. But outside the ring he’s a WWE Executive, so if Cena or anyone else touches him, they will be terminated. Johnny Ace introduces the man who he “hired this past Saturday*” and John Cena’s opponent at No Way Out, The Big Show.
Big Show walks out suited up, which means he’s trading the sweaty hats for sweaty dress shirts. For his sake, I hope he saved his Jeri-show suits. Big Show says the fans aren’t entitled to his explanation, but gives it anyway. Show says that he was crying on his knees begging for his job last week and that no one in the WWE loves his job more than he does (Undertaker.) Big Show gets mad at the sellout chants and blames the fans for not giving him any sympathy then gets even angrier that we’re judging him. It’s okay, Big Show, I’ve been judging you since you “died and came back to life.”
Big Show mentions that there will be No Way Out for John Cena on June 17thbecause he’s going to knock him out. For the new fan watching wrestling for the first time, this is exciting. For the long term wrestling fan that’s watched John Cena vs. The Big Show 27 times, just put it on your wrestling rewards card. Big Show walks off then suddenly….
O-WEHH-OOOOOOOOHHHHHH!
O-WEHH-OOOOOOOOHHHHHH!
WHEN YOU’RE STANDING NEXT TO ME
YEAH, YOU KNOW THAT I’M A JOBBER
David Otunga comes out tells Cena that since he lost to Laurinaitis, it’s time to lose to him. This is like when Spider-Man gets beaten up by Venom and then the Shocker or Rhino try to get their revenge. It’s not going to end well for Otunga. Cena even suggests that Otunga watch Law & Order reruns, but does Otunga listen? No. Instead, he dedicates the match to Laurinaitis. Just like how John Cena was the only person who didn’t know Big Show was going to turn on him, David Otunga is the only person who doesn’t know he’s losing this match.
*John Laurinaitis meant to say he hired Big Show after Over The Limit. WWE’s Twitter and commentary corrected this. Laurinaitis’ excuse? His watch is set to Tokyo time.
Match 01: John Cena vs. David Otunga
John Cena chases the oily David Otunga like a pig in Henry Godwinn’s slop until he’s eventually caught and beaten on. Cena picks up Otunga for the AA then does the “You Can’t See Me” to Big Johnny before hitting the move. Cena then does the STFU causing Otunga to tap out.
Winner: John Cena
Cena glares at Laurinaitis as he applies more pressure on the STF until the NXT Brigade of Curtis Hawkins, Tyler Reks, Darren Young and Titus O’Neil attack him. Cena starts feeling Nexus flashbacks until…
IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!
Sheamus charges out plowing into John Laurinaitis “Ultimate Warrior style” and rescues John Cena. In Super-Face fashion, Cena and Sheamus clean house then throw Hawkins on top of the others. Laurinaitis says that he didn’t give the NXT Brigade permission to come out and orders them to the back. Then he announces that since that Cena and Sheamus will be in a 2 on 3 Handicap match tonight. It took a little while for Big Johnny to get to, but he got there!
Did You Know? WWE Over The Limit beat out Game Of Thrones, Mad Men and the NBA Playoffs for most “socially active” show, but they lost to Girls. You win this round, Lena Dunham.
Match 02: Randy Orton vs. Alberto Del Rio Santino Marella vs. RicRod
Justin Roberts introduces Ricardo Rodriguez. As long as it’s not Lilian Garcia, J-Rob’s cool with it. Before RicRod can speak, Santino’s music hits and Santino power walks to the ring. Santino says he can’t understand anything RicRod says and that his accent is as ridiculous as his caterpillar eyebrows. Santino thinks RicRod doesn’t know how to introduce people and that he can’t roll his R’s. This leads to Santino and RicRod rolling their R’s and imitating one of those AutoZone commercials. As RicRod keeps on rollin, he freaks out because Santino almost hits him with the cobra. Santino calls him stupid and mentions that his cobra is really a sock on his arm, making Marella the first meta-wrestler in WWE history. He’s aware his gimmick is stupid and okay with it. Santino hits RicRod with the cobra anyway then does his version of an Alberto Del Rio introduction.
As we wait for Del Rio, WWE plugs their new era of 3 Hour RAWs. You know, the thing that killed Nitro. Just don’t joke about James Storm putting butts in seats, WWE.
Match 02: Randy Orton vs. Alberto Del Rio
Del Rio finally makes his way to the ring with a fancy new car. Randy Orton makes his way to the ring afterwards to a Justin Bieber like reaction. If Randy was your boyfriend, he’d never let you go. Orton and Del Rio have a back and forth match with Del Rio working mostly on the arm and shoulder until he goes sliding through the ropes while trying to attack Randy Orton. Foolish move on Del Rio’s part because the ropes have already been baby oiled up from David Otunga. Otunga’s oil plus Orton’s Oil equals Slip n’ Slide. Del Rio’s mistake allows Orton to have his dramatic comeback and pound the mat Viper style. He must’ve been pounding too hard because he didn’t hear Chris Jericho running into the ring in tight leather pants! Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Orton ending the match.
Winner: Randy Orton (by DQ)
Chris Jericho repeats his “Best In The World At What I Do” mantra as Randy Orton tries to get up. He switches it up the third time and mentions he’s “The Best In The World At Everything He Does (His new catchphrase)” and codebreakers Orton while asking him if he understands what Jericho is saying. Of course Randy Orton doesn’t understand! He’s unconscious! Chris Jericho repeats the mantra again then leaves the ring, before coming back and giving Orton one more Codebreaker. That last Codebreak was for Fozzy.
Thurman’s “Sparky” Plugs:The Over The Limit PPV Theme Song
Daniel Bryan Promo Time:
Daniel Bryan’s music hits and instead of his trademark My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic “YES” Gallop, he walks to the ring normally. Cole puts over the fact CM Punk tapped, but Lawler defends that CM Punk tapped after the 3 count.
Daniel Bryan gets on the mic and recaps the Over The Limit match, mentioning that CM Punk tapped out and that he should be WWE Champion. He repeats the word “Tap!” several times. Daniel Bryan loves repeating three letter words. Daniel Bryan does “Question and Answer” Time with the WWE Universe.
Q: Did Daniel Bryan make CM Punk tap out?
A: Yes.
Q: Should Daniel Bryan be WWE Champion?
A: Yes.
Q: If Daniel Bryan beats CM Punk one more time will he make Punk tap again?
A: Yes.
This is better than Scott Hall’s surveys. For all the fans chanting no, you’ve failed the exam. You’re repeating the semester. Daniel Bryan demands a rematch until CM Punk’s music hits and Punk comes out to the ring in his “promo shorts.”
CM Punk comes out to clear up controversy. He puts over that the match was one of the greatest battles he’s ever head, but he pinned Daniel Bryan in the middle of the ring for a 3 count. Punk mentions he’d love to settle the issue right now, but instead reminds Daniel Bryan of what happened last week on Smackdown.
Recaps on Caps on Caps: Daniel Bryan tricking Kane on Smackdown
CM Punk admires Bryan’s trick and decides to make it up to Daniel Bryan by putting him in a match. Who’s his opponent? If you  guessed, Zack Ryder, you’re close. It’s his bully, Kane!
Match 03: Daniel Bryan vs. Kane (With CM Punk on commentary)
Daniel Bryan tries his best to attack Kane, but it’s Kane. Bryan eventually gets the upper hand and follows up with a suicide dive until CM Punk gets involved by picking up a chair and almost hits Kane, but Bryan snatches the chair for him. Bryan’s good deed is rewarded by a miscommunication from Kane followed by an ass-whooping.
Winner: Daniel Bryan (by DQ)
Post-match, Kane decides to chokeslam Daniel Bryan not once, but twice. He would’ve done it a third time but he doesn’t want to be considered a Chris Jericho Wannabe (T-Shirt now on sale.) CM Punk claims he’s going to check on Daniel Bryan but puts him the Anaconda Vice instead causing Daniel Bryan to tap. CM Punk mocks Daniel Bryan’s “YES!” chants as D-Bry lies on the ground defeated.
Backstage: CM Punk walks backstage proud of himself until AJ runs up to him having something to tell him. Punk assumes AJ is going to tell him that she’s “completely off her rocker.” This is partially true. AJ is no longer into watching classic Rocker matches on Youtube. She’s into Killer Bees matches now. AJ doesn’t tell him that. Instead she tells him that she really enjoyed him beating up Daniel Bryan. CM Punk says she’s not crazy, but she’s sadistic. This causes AJ to do her best Randy Orton impression before CM Punk calms her down then makes her upset again by saying she’s the one acting like a fool the entire time. This causes AJ to do her best Big Show crying impression. And CM Punk to do his best Brian Griffin calming down Meg Griffin impression, Even though AJ’s WAY hotter than Meg. CM Punk hugs the crying AJ and strokes her hair and says everything will be fine, which causes AJ’s eyes to sprout up like an anime character. Punk says he sorta digs crazy chicks then walks off. Once Punk leaves, AJ starts to cry again.
Recaps on Caps on Caps:Triple H being sued by Paul Heyman
J-Rob introduces the NEW Intercontinental Champion, Christian, who returned last night by winning the People Power Battle Royal after an 8 Weeks absence. It doesn’t sound impressive but if you remember the fact that CM Punk beat Christian so bad that he turned face, it’s very impressive.
Recaps on Caps on Caps:Christian beating Cody Rhodes for the IC Title
Match 04: Christian vs. Jinder Mahal
Just like John Cena with Big Show, and David Otunga with John Cena, Jinder Mahal is the only person who thinks he’s going to beat Christian. Jerry Lawler mentions Christian returned after 8 months. It’s more impressive, but it’s not true. Cole puts over Christian’s efforts of wining the People Power Battle Royal then beating Cody Rhodes. Lawler mentions that the People Power battle royal became the Peep Power battle royal, which pisses Cole off. All this People Power/Peep Power talk makes me think of the Dunder Mifflin “People Person’s Paper People”song. Wait, I haven’t spoken about the match at all! So Jinder Mahal-
Winner: Christian
Retweets on Tweets on Tweets:Tweets about Big Show’s actions
Recaps on Caps on Caps on Caps:Big Show challenging John Cena
Match 05: Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix
HALAL HALAL HALAL
Okay. It’s not Halal, but Kelly Kelly could use that if she ever opens up a Halal Food Truck. Kelly Kelly makes her way to the ring in her USA attire. She’s a week early for Memorial Day, but there’s never a bad time to show your patriotism. Unless your name is The Patriot and you’re wrestling Bret Hart in Canada. Beth Phoenix makes her way to the ring next sporting new attire, which is great for Beth, but horrible for the WWE 13 Developers. Beth Phoenix does this every year. It’s like she wants the games to be out of date.
Kelly Kelly tries her best but Beth Phoenix dominates her for most of the match. Kelly Kelly gets the advantage with her Shrieking Spinning Headscissors followed by her Shrieking Turnbuckle Attack. Kelly Kelly goes for the Handspring Elbow but gets KO’d by Beth Phoenix for her efforts. She could end it now, but Beth Phoenix decides to Glam Slam her for her efforts.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Main Event: Sheamus and John Cena vs. The Silhouette Squad
IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!
Sheamus makes his way to the ring. The crowd loves him. One kid loves Sheamus so much that he’s headbanging to his music. John Cena makes his way to the ring next. He tells his BFF, Stu the Cameraman that “These hands are ready for damage!” followed by “Here We Go!” Stu is still pissed that Cena forgot his birthday so he could care less about Cena or his hands. Vickie Guerrero, who’s wearing a Jerry Lawler like shirt with Ashley Massaro like plaid, introduces Jack Swagger and “The Show-Off” Dolph Ziggler. And their tag partner….
Main Event: Sheamus and John Cena vs. Zig-Swag and Tensai
Tensai makes his way to the ring with his belly tucked into his tights. You’re still doughy, Albert. The Lumberjacks make their way to the ring including Chris Jericho and Alberto Del Rio who CLEARLY don’t belong in this group. If you know who the other Lumberjacks are, then you watch Superstars and NXT on a regular basis.
Zig-Swag try their best to beat Sheamus and Cena but, since they’re not Tensai, they get little offense. Tensai tosses Sheamus out to the ring and the lumberjacks fail to attack him until Jericho gets involved. If you haven’t been paying attention, he’s is the best in the world at everything he does. Including lumberjack matches.
Sheamus gets beaten on by Zig-Swag, Tensai, and the lumberjacks (mainly Jericho) while Big Show watches on. Sheamus finally gets the upperhand when Jack Swagger screws it up for the team (Surprise.) Sheamus gets the hot tag to Cena who starts the Five Moves of Doom until he notices Sheamus being stomped out by the 30 Feet Of Mediocrity (and Jericho).
The Lumberjacks Nexus Cena until The Face Brigade makes their way out to the ring! Out of all the people who came out, CM Punk, Christian and Kofi Kingston are the only ones I take seriously. Sorry, Funkasaurus.
Rather than be a good friend, John Cena runs backstage and asks John Laurinaitis where Big Show is. Laurinaitis says he doesn’t know and reminds Cena that he can’t touch him. Big Johnny’s an MC Hammer Guy. Cena turns around and receives a KO punch from Big Show! Somehow, Big Show’s punch made a steel noise. I guess his heel turn gave him super powers. RAW ends with John Cena on the ground while several witnesses refuse to help him.
So…That Happened:This week’s RAW had some high points. Chris Jericho and Randy Orton are continuing a feud that has a lot of history. When you put two of the best wrestlers in the company together, you get great results. Speaking of best wrestlers in the company, CM Punk and Daniel Bryan are continuing their feud which is good news for everyone. I’m interested in the inclusion of AJ and I’m not sure if Kane is face now that Big Show is heel or if Kane is just happy someone called him.
I could do without John Cena and Big Show, but if that’s the route they’re going to take, at least No Way Out will have Jericho/Orton, Bryan/Punk to fall back on. The Divas matches this past week were pretty good (Even the Kelly Kelly one) but a new face would be good to freshen up the division. What’s Maxine doing? Let’s see more of her! WWE has about a month of buildup for No Way Out so let’s see what they do with it.
That’s all for this week, folks. Let me know what you think via the comments section or Twitter. Until next time, Keep It Five Star!

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