When unable to tweet, Kyle will post Monday Night RAW commentary called,
“So…That Happened.”
So That Happened, 5/14/12:
This recap is in no way affiliated with The WWE, Monday Night Raw
or Randy Orton’s “W’s.”
or Randy Orton’s “W’s.”
Triple H is shown backstage with his pinstriped suit and one arm. He looks like a character from L.A. Noire that didn’t quite make it out of the mission in one piece. He bumps into John Laurinaitis who claims he didn’t know Brock Lesnar would break his arm, then offers Triple H his support and sympathy. Laurinaitis asks if he’s going to say anything. Triple H says he’ll say it in front of the world and good luck with John Cena on Sunday. He was pretty sarcastic about it.
Recaps on Caps on Caps:Brock Lesnar breaking Triple H’s arm
Triple H enters the ring and says he was offended that Brock Lesnar wanted to bring Legitimacy back to the WWE. Triple H makes a joke about thinking about wishing for someone would come out and make wrestling legitimate during his match against The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 28 (Most watched Wrestlemania of all time.) Triple H’s standup career isn’t going as well as he’d like. Triple H goes through a list of people that Brock Lesnar offended with his comments including Randy Savage and Bruno Sammartino, but not Bret Hart. Brock Lesnar may have offended Triple H, but Triple H offended Bret Hart … again. Trips mentions that Brock’s comments not only offend him, but they offend Fan Triple H, Kid Triple H, and WWE Universe Triple H. think the bigger issue is that there are multiple versions of Triple H in the world, but we’re not going to get into that.
Triple H also admits was embarrassed by Brock Lesnar, not because of the ass kicking but because he brought into the same crap Lesnar pulled in 2002. It’s okay, Trips. We all did. Except LeKeith. Triple H then starts mocking Brock Lesnar political candidate commercial style, by making fun of the fact that he quits things when they get too hard. He continues to do this until Brock’s music interrupts.
WELL! HERE COMES THE HEY! …MAN.
Paul Heyman comes to the ring with a guy and a manila envelope. Heyman calls Triple H out for bringing a “fighter” in the WWE and expecting him to “entertain” when he wants to fight. The Tekken Universe has the exact opposite problem with King and Armor King. Heyman says when Triple H ripped up Brock’s contract, he was in breach of contract and the manila folder guy serves Triple H. And no, it wasn’t the cool breakdance serve. It was the boring legal serve.
Heyman says Brock is disappointed because he wanted a fight with Triple H but instead got a “sniveling, conniving, corporate sycophant (Jericho pop) that’s failed to live up to the hype that surrounded him for all these years.” This was clearly in the “Too Mean” category because Triple H grabbed Heyman by the chinny chin chins and palmed his face like a basketball while Paul Heyman did his best Ed Koch impression. After squishing Paul Heyman’s face, Triple H says Brock’s going to get everything he deserves then leaves triumphantly until Paul Heyman calls assault on Trips and and says he’ll see him in court. Triple H is being sued not once but twice!
Recaps on Caps on Caps:For making fun of John Laurinaitis, Big Show has a match against Kane. (This is really punishment for all of us.)
Recaps on Caps on Caps (Again):
Cena’s attacked by Team J-Pop America Fun Time Now
Cena’s attacked by Team J-Pop America Fun Time Now
Match 01: CM Punk & Santino Marella vs. Daniel Bryan & Cody Rhodes
CM Punk and Santino make their respective entrances. The crowd loves ’em.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Cody Rhodes makes his way to the ring followed by Daniel Bryan doing his trademark My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic Gallop, which is received by several “YES!” chants. I love CM Punk but there’s no way I’m not cheering for Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan. They’re talented and (kinda) color coordinated.
Loud YES! Chants during the match. Punk sends Cody and Bryan to the outside then suicide dives on both of them. Santino tries to do the same but fails, getting stuck in the ropes. I guess Punktino is the closest we’re gonna get to Punk/Cabana. After the commercial break, Santino gets worked over by the heels until CM Punk gets the hot tag and cleans house. Daniel Bryan decides he’s had enough then walks off. Punk watches Bryan leave and ducks an attack from Cody Rhodes in the process. Cody’s creeped out by Santino’s green sock which allows CM Punk to hit him with the GTS for the win.
Winners: CM Punk and Santino Marella
Post-match Punk and Bryan taunt each other. They’re the reason to buy Over The Limit.
Match 02: Alicia Fox vs. Beth Phoenix.
If you think Alicia Fox is winning this, you’re sadly mistaken. Layla comes out to watch Alicia Fox get destroyed. Layla can do nothing but clap and smile nervously in her sparkly pants.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Post-match, Beth Phoenix prepares to attack Alicia Fox some more, but changes her mind and just dumps her out of the ring. Not seeing this change of heart, Layla drops Beth Phoenix on her face, angering The Glamazon.
Thurman’s “Sparky” Plugs:WWE and the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Try not to cry.
Try not to cry.
Recaps on Caps on Caps: Big Show making fun of John Laurinaitis
John Laurinaitis and David Otunga make their way ringside.
Match 03: Big Show vs. Kane (For the 372nd time)
Big Show’s trying to actually wrestle Kane in this one, but if you’ve seen one Big Show/Kane match. You’ve seen them all. Jerry Lawler claims Kane’s been on a “tear” despite Kane losing his last two feuds. Kane hits a CROSSBODY on Big Show! Kudos to them for trying, but once again, it’s Big Show vs. Kane. The two giants continue to brawl until John Laurinaitis asks for an apology in the middle of the match. Kane takes advantage and hits the “Choke Push” for the win.
Winner: Kane
Post-match, Laurinaitis asks Big Show to apologize for making fun of his voice. Big Show goes on a sob story about doing this for 18 years starting from WCW and into the WWE, claiming he’d miss the smile on the kids’ faces and the people in the back. Show apologizes again but Big Johnny doesn’t think that’s enough. He demands Big Show get on his knees and beg him. Big Show acts like it’s the hardest thing in the world and starts grunting like Heffer from Rocko’s Modern Life as he contemplates what to do. Big Show finally tells Laurinaitis that he’ll beg but asks not to get on his knees.
John Laurinaitis says Big Show disgusts him but he’ll do what’s right for business (He says this several times.) and reconsider. Laurinaitis reconsiders at the top of the ramp, and gets ready to fire Big Show, but Big Show cries, pleads, and then finally gets on his knees and apologizes once more. Big Show looks pathetic and this may be a secret fetish of John Laurinaitis. I’m not sure. Big Show asks John Laurinaitis if he’s happy and John Laurinaitis says no then proceeds to wish Big Show the best of luck on his future endeavors. Big Show cries in the middle of the ring while the crowd offers their support. Me, on the other hand, I’m ecstatic. I can’t stand the Big Show so I hope this is permanent. Tough Break, Big Show! There’s always TNA!
Recaps on Caps on Caps: Big Show’s Firing and Crying
Jerry Lawler sounds off about Big Show’s firing, followed by a moment of silence until…
LADIES ANNNND GENTLE-MENNN!
Funky Tuna Roll!
Funky Tuna Roll!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA!!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA!!!
SOMEBODY PLEASE COMB MY LLAMA!!!!
Brodus Clay makes his way to the ring clearly not knowing how to read a room. If Brodus Clay’s new gimmick is to come out after bad news, I approve. It’s hilarious. The obliviously happy train continues as Kofi Kingston and R-Truth make their way to the ring, also not feeling the room. Cole has a hilarious line “Welp! One can’t grieve forever!” in relation to Big Show.
AWEEEEEEESOMEEEEE!
I CAME TO LAY!
I CAME TO LAY ON THE GROUND FOR THREE!
TIME FOR YOU TO GO AND GET THE VICTORY!
Miz makes his way to the ring, followed by Vickie Guerrero introducing Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger. We get a #ZiggleWiggle! I love this team, which means they’re going to lose to Team Obliviously Optimistic. They’re better than this.
Match 04: Team Obliviously Optimistic vs. Team Better Than This
Brodus Clay cleans house while R-Truth decides to chant “What’s Up?” That’s not your thing anymore, Ron. Stop doing it. After the commercial break, we see AW, Primo, Epico, Rosa Mendes and Mason Ryan enjoying the skybox. Primo and Epico have traded up from Poncho’s to Suits. Living the dream!
Back in the ring, The Miz gets the advantage until he’s distracted by Brodus Clay. Kofi Kingston gets the hot tag to a mild reaction. Maybe everyone’s still upset about Big Show. Kofi hits the S.O.S and the heels break it up until they are taken out. Brodus makes a blind tag, Kofi hits the Trouble In Paradise and Brodus hits the Funk Splash for the win. R-Truth did nothing.
Winners: Team Obliviously Optimistic
Post-match, Team Obliviously Optimistic dances with the children
Recaps on Caps on Caps: Alberto Del Rio Getting Finisher Spammed
Backstage: CM Punk and Alex Riley talk about the “YES” Lock until a spunky AJ runs up to Punk, saying his name several times. I know a way AJ would say my name several times: she could cheer me on while I compete in a Rock Band tournament. Riley says “Good luck with that one” then leaves as Punk reminds him about 50 dollars, Riley owes him. Better get that money soon, Punk. I don’t think Riley will be around for long.
AJ wishes CM Punk good luck and Punk mentions that he doesn’t know what’s going on, but he doesn’t trust Daniel Bryan or an unstable AJ, which hurts the poor girls’ feelings. It’s okay, AJ. I hear Punk gets around.
Match 05: Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho
IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!
Sheamus joins Lawler and Cole on commentary, creating a Three Man Booth. Chris Jericho makes his way to the ring followed by Randy Orton who receives a Justin Bieber like reaction. As Orton makes his way to the ring, Cole reminds us about the Fatal Four Way match at Over the Limit. This is the second reason to buy the PPV, folks.
While Cole and Sheamus go back and forth with each other on commentary, Orton and Jericho have a back and forth match having a match that’s going to end way too early. Jericho begins to taunt Sheamus then Jericho tosses Orton into Sheamus. After getting back in the ring, Jericho gets caught with a DDT as Randy Orton starts pounding the mat in RKO mode. An angry Sheamus pulls Jericho out of the ring and starts to attack him. Chris Jericho gets the DQ victory.
Winner: Chris Jericho
Post-match, Randy Orton confronts Sheamus about getting involved, complaining about “his W” being taken away. I didn’t think Randy Orton cared about win’s and loses so much. Maybe he’s just not used to racking up a lot of “L’s.” Orton calls Sheamus into the ring and the two get prepared to fight until Team Referee breaks it up. Conspicuous by his absence is Black Ref.
Recaps on Caps on Caps: Big Show’s firing … AGAIN.
John Cena Main Event Time
John Laurinaitis makes his way to the ring then apologizes. He apologizes if John Cena’s your favorite superstar because that makes him a loser. He says your favorite Superstar is a reflection of you, so that makes you a loser. My favorite superstars are The Colons. What does that make me? (Don’t answer that.) Laurinaitis says there’s nothing wrong with being a loser, because without the losers, there wouldn’t be winners like him. He’s interrupted by Cena’s theme music.
John Cena comes out and tells his BFF, Stu the Camera Man, his arm is “A little dinged up but he’s good.” Stu is still suffering the injuries from the Randy Orton/Kane Falls Count Anywhere match, but he never makes a big deal about it. You could learn from him, Johnboy. Also, there’s a girl in the crowd shrieking like in the Prometheus commercial.
Cena starts making fun of Laurinaitis’ voice and catchphrase. Glad to see Cena spent the past two weeks working on his standup act. I wonder if he and Triple H will hit the comedy circuit together. Just leave some things to Mick Foley, guys: Comedy Clubs, Falling through tables, Flannel. It’s Foley’s territory.
Cena runs through Laurinaitis’s accomplishments. He gives Big Johnny the “W” for Wrestlemania, but mention’s his “L’s” with Punk, Lesnar losing and subsequently quitting making, John Laurinaitis not a winner but a loser. Cena continues the insults by putting his own spin on Jim Carrey’s Ace Venture “Loser” catchphrase. Glad to see John Cena spent the past two weeks catching up on 1993. Big Johnny actually cracks a smile during this. He appreciates the works of Jim Carrey, including his favorite movie, The Majestic.
Cena mentions that Laurinaitis thinks he’s the only one that matters then does a show of hands about how many people want to punch Big Johnny in the face followed by beating him so bad that he squeals like a baby cow. The crowd goes nuts and starts doing “YES!” chants. This is not what Daniel Bryan had in mind.
After some cheap pops and heat about Pittsburgh, their sports teams, and more loser jokes, John Cena tells John Laurinaitis to “Go Puck Himself” then drops a puck in the middle of the ring. I guess Cena hasn’t come a long way from his “Ruck Fules” days. John Laurinaitis tells Cena that he’s “Big Johnny” and mentions that he’s taller and better looking than Cena, which he knows bothers him. John Laurinaitis mentions that he can do whatever he wants to the match until The Handsome Hoeski, Eve Torres makes her way to the ring with an important letter. Eve whispers to John Laurinaitis and shows him the note, which Cena tries to rip out of his hand, but accidentally rips it. Nice going, Cena.
Cena says the message is from the WWE: Board of Directors and reads it to the WWE Universe. Cena announces that the match between him and John Laurinaitis will be one on one, with no guest referee, no one allowed at ringside, the only way to win is by pinfall or submission and if anyone interferes, they’re terminated. Cena tells John Laurinaitis that the letter says if he loses to Cena, he will be “officially terminated.” Which the crowd responds to with “YES!” chants. Cena rubs it in John Laurinaitis’s face by asking about Big Johnny’s huge announcement, and gets a slap to the face putting an end to John Cena’s standup act. Why couldn’t he do that 20 minutes earlier? RAW ends with John Laurinaitis walking to the back while John Cena glares.
So….That Happened:There was a lot of filler to this RAW. As much as I loved to see Big Show fired, they took a very long time to get to it. Also, I could’ve done without John Cena’s standup act, but I guess since he’s going through some stuff, they’re treating him with kid gloves. Over The Limit is this Sunday and it seems like they’re adding Cody Rhodes vs. Santino Marella to the show and possibly Miz vs. Brodus. WWE, if you treat this PPV as filler, then everyone else is going to treat it like filler.
Regardless, there are two matches I’m really looking forward to that I know won’t disappoint and that’s the two world title matches. I would’ve loved to see Orton and Jericho go on for longer, but maybe Smackdown will make up for that. That’s all for this week, folks! Let me know what you think. Leave a comment on the site or on Twitter.
Until next time…Keep It Five Star!
Three Man Booth 