When unable to tweet, Kyle will post Monday Night RAW commentary called, “So…That Happened.”
So That Happened, 4/30/12:
This recap is in no way affiliated with The WWE, Monday Night Raw
or Castrol GTX: Drive Hard.
or Castrol GTX: Drive Hard.
John Laurinaitis starts off RAW with his new theme music! It sounds less like a newscast and more like Final Fantasy VII. Laurinaitis introduces Brock Lesnar and comes out to a chorus of boos. I think even Brock Lesnar Fan isn’t marking out. He’s sitting in his one shirt pouting with his arms folded.
Lesnar gets a few words out, but is interrupted by Triple H. I’ve never been happier to see The Game. Alright, January 7th, 2002 at Madison Square Garden, but this is a close second. Laurinaitis calls Triple H a C-A-O. Every time Triple H comes back he gets a new title. I don’t know if he keeps getting promoted or if Big Johnny keeps screwing it up.
“The name of this show has and will always be Monday Night RAW. Except for when it was Monday Night RAW: Supershow. RAW, RAW Zone, War Zone, RAW Is War, Thursday RAW Thursday….Okay it’s had plenty of names, but you get the idea.” – Triple H
Triple H says Brock Lesnar’s old contract doesn’t count and thet he’ll get everything from his original contract, which means public appearance and World Tours. If Kofi Kingston has to go to Walmart for a signing, so do you, Brock. Just not by the guns. Triple H mentions that he and the WWE Universe want Brock Lesnar in the WWE.
Triple H: They wanna see you in a rematch with John Cena.
Daniel Bryan Backstage: YES!
Triple H: They wanna see you face CM Punk.
Daniel Bryan Backstage: YES!!
Triple H: They wanna see you face Randy Orton, Sheamus.
Daniel Bryan Backstage: YES!!! YES!!!!
Triple H: They wanna see – *Daniel Bryan waits his turn* All of that Brock. *Bryan glares*
Triple H says if Brock wants to leave instead, he can, but guilt trips him about it. Brock Lesnar always looks like he’s about to cry. He’s like a kid that knows he did something bad so he starts to well up before he gets in in trouble. Laurinaitis keeps distracting Triple H, but gets told to Shut Up. Laurinaitis doesn’t listen and keeps distracting Trips until Lesnar attacks Trips!
Cole says Lesnar is “mugging” Triple H. I guess Lesnar wants Triple H’s wallet and baby pictures. Lesnar breaks Triple H’s arm and somewhere in Oklahoma, Jim Ross smiles. The Face Calvary shows up late to the party! R-Truth and Kofi are late because Truth’s on CP Time and Kofi tried to get him to break that stereotype. Big Show’s late because running is difficult for him. And Sheamus is late because he believes in the buddy system, or as he calls it “The Fella System.”
R-Truth does the broken arm no favors by touching it. Playing Operation one time doesn’t make you a doctor, Truth! Big Show starts scolding Triple H. “What are you thinking?” He was thinking of doing his job, Show. Take your guilt trip somewhere else.
Recaps On Caps On Caps – Brock breaking Tripke H’s arm. And if that wasn’t enough, there’s a backstage segment of Triple H with his broken arm.
The Handsome Hoeski, Eve Torres comes out wearing spinster glasses. She may start dressing like Marcy, but she’ll always be Peppermint Patt-Eve. Eve keeps fumbling her words. Hanging around John Laurinaitis will do that to you. It’s a Beat The Clock Challenge!
Match 1: The Miz vs. Santino Marella (Beat The Clock)
AWEEEEEEEEEEESOOOOMMMMEEEEEE!
I CAME TO LAY!
I CAME TO LAY ON THE GROUND FOR THREE!
TIME FOR YOU TO GO AND GET THE VICTORY!
I CAME TO LAY ON THE GROUND FOR THREE!
TIME FOR YOU TO GO AND GET THE VICTORY!
The Miz comes out with a new duster and his creepy “Hug Me” walk down the ramp. It’s a good day for him. WWE just revealed he’s starring in The Marine 3. Put your pre-orders in now folks.
This year is the most WWE Title opportunities Santino Marella’s had since…ever. Miz uses the Side Effect now?! Stop doing loser moves, Miz. Santino wasted valuable BTC time setting up for that cobra.
Winner: The Miz in 4:18 seconds.
You know, if he did that yesterday, he’d be the U.S Champion.
You know, if he did that yesterday, he’d be the U.S Champion.
Match 2: Layla vs. Brie vs. Nikki (WWE Divas Championship)
“Two FORMER Divas Champions, The Bella Twins!” – Justin Roberts, a tool.
You’re not enough for me! WHOOOOOOOOAAAA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
They need to change Layla’s theme. Most people associate this theme Michelle McCool. Those same people don’t like Michelle McCool. Match begins and The Bellas argue pick the wrong time to argue about who wore it better. You’re twins. You wore it the same. Layla hits a dropkick creating a Bella Noggin Knocker. Layla hits the Roll Up Of Doom rolls up the other Bella for the victory.
Winner: Layla in Ryback Record Time, Beating the Clock.
“No more Twin Magic. More like a Twin Nightmare” – Michael Cole because “Twin Tragic” was too clever for him.
Match 3: Chris Jericho vs. ??? (Beat The Clock)
How can Chris Jericho be so sulky when he’s surrounded by such sparkly colors? Who’s his opponent? We’ll find out after the break!
Match 3: Chris Jericho vs. The Big Show (Beat The Clock)
Chris Jericho’s opponent is The Big Show?! Big Show continues his quest to ruin everything I enjoy. Fun Fact: He spoiled The Avengers movie for me. Big Show gives his hat to a kid totally ignoring the other kid next to him. That’s so selfish. You’d think that being former tag partners, Big Show would be more sympathetic to Jericho’s wounds, but he’s not. Some people actually had to work last night, Big Show. Unlike you, who decided to Riverdance on a table.
Jericho kicked Big Show and he went flying like a rock onto some Angry Birds! I love it. This is actually the best Big Show match in a long time because Chris Jericho’s in it. Jericho can carry anything. He could pull a bus with his teeth and it’d be the best match on the card. Jericho gets Big Show over the top rope with the Benoit/Big Show spot and gets violently pushed for his efforts. Big Show goes for a brogue kick and fails.
Jericho gets back in the ring but screwed by one second. Miz is ecstatic relieved. Everybody Hateeeeeeees Chrrriiiiiiiiiiiissss.
Wait. Black Ref says Jericho made it with one second left. He beat the Clock!
Everybody Hateeeeeeeeeeeeeees Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz!
Everybody Hateeeeeeeeeeeeeees Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz!
Wait! Wait…under further investigation, Chris Jericho didn’t beat the clock. The Miz is still the current time holder.
Everybody Hateeeeeeees Chrrriiiiiiiiiiiissss.
Everybody Hateeeeeeees Chrrriiiiiiiiiiiissss.
Winner: The Miz (Neither Jericho or Big Show beat the clock.)
Match 04: Brodus Clay vs. JTG (Funkasaurus Feeding Time):
Funky Tuna Roll!
Funky Tuna Roll!
Funky Tuna Roll!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA!!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA!!!
SOMEBODY PLEASE COMB MY LLAMA!!!!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA!!
SOMEBODY COMB MY LLAMA!!!
SOMEBODY PLEASE COMB MY LLAMA!!!!
Oh Thank God! Funkasaurus is Hornswoggle free. I can enjoy this! JTG there with the “FML” face. He knows what’s gonna happen. Poor guy…Jerry Lawler keeps putting over this “Big Surprise” JTG has planned. Maybe it’s Shad Gaspard. He’s not doing much right now. JTG puts up a valiant effort like when you’re playing a game on Easy and the A.I. tries to be difficult, but of course he loses.
Winner: JTG….’s opponent Brodus Clay.
After the match, Brodus Clay brings children in the ring and dances with them. His Comedy Act Transformation is complete. There’s something unsettling about grabbing children by the hands and making them jiggle.
Recaps On Caps On Caps – Brock destroying Cena then breaking Trips’ arm.
John Laurinaitis, The Handsome Eve and Teddy Long are backstage. Eve dismisses Teddy Long because his presence is “upsetting Mr. Laurinaitis.” I don’t blame John. Teddy Long kinda looks like Hans Moleman. You don’t wanna look at that when you’re angry. Handsome Eve gives Big Johnny a pep talk and it seems to work. She’s a real bro.
Match 05: Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger (Beat The Clock)
Randy Orton comes out to a Justin Bieber like reaction. Orton in a Beat The Clock Challenge is just not fair. And his opponent is Jack Swagger? Now it’s REALLY unfair. What’s with Jack Swagger’s new attire? He looks like a Rocket Pop. This is not the WWE Ice Cream Bar that we wanted.
Randy Orton does his slow Orton moves and taunts as usual. He doesn’t seem to care about the clock. Swagger tries his best and gets an RKO for his efforts. The NEW Beat The Clock time is now 4:16. Tough break, Miz! There’s always the Pre-Show!
Winner: Randy Orton
I like how Randy Orton says something before doing his Orton Pose now. Last Friday he said “It’s Comin.” Then posed. This week he shrugged, said “C’mon” then did his Orton Pose. As he poses, the US Army reluctantly claps for him. I hear they don’t like him very much.
Match 06: Primo & Epico w/ Rosa Mendes vs. Kofi Kingston & R-Truth (WWE Tag Team Championship)
At least Primo and Epico get an entrance this week. Rosa Menses stole Trish Stratus’ silver boots. Being a huge Primo and Epico fan, I have a bad feeling about this. R-Truth does his Goof Troop Entrance. Kofi Kingston comes out looking like a Blue Barracuda from Legends Of The Hidden Temple.
BREAKING NEWS: During the match, The Bella Twins have been fired from the WWE. The firing is on WWE.com and was done by Eve Torres who decided not to renew their contracts. The Bellas might be the first Divas to be fired via viral video. Viral Video is the new FedEx.
Primo attacks Little Jimmy. If Little Jimmy was in the ring, shouldn’t that be a DQ? Get it together, Chad Patton. Epico’s yelling Spanish to distract R-Truth is my new favorite move! It was like the Shrieking Sheik from The Simpsons. Primo and Epico get the advantage, but Kofi eventually gets the hot tag. And Kofi jumps into the ring like he just grabbed the flag in on Level 1-1 of Super Mario Brothers! Kofi keeps the hot tag offense and wins the match.
Winners and NEW Tag Team Champions: Kofi Kingston and R-Truth
I knew Kofi and R-Truth were going to win. Being a huge Primo and Epico fan, and a huger detractor of R-Truth, I am furious. And to add insult to injury, they cut Primo and Epico’s backstage segment off to show The Great Khali dancing. Kicking Primo and Epico while they’re down. Anyway, Congratulations on your 27th Tag Team Championship, Kofi.
Match 07: The Great Khali vs. Kane (Beat The Clock)
You know what’s the beautiful thing about DVR? Fast Forward. You can’t screw my boys Primo and Epico over and expect me to watch The Great Khali. “Notable” things from the match? The Great Khali has blue pajamas now.
Neither Kane or Khali Beat The Clock and Kane decides to “Choke Push” Khali because of it. Randy Orton is shown backstage excited. This is the most emotion he’s shown since his Super Mario Jumps.
Winner: Randy Orton, People with DVRs
Match 08: Daniel Bryan vs. Jerry Lawler (Beat The Clock Challenge)
Daniel Bryan with his Trademark My Little Pony: YESing is Magic Gallop. He’s very excited despite losing to Sheamus last night. Jerry Lawler needs to stop trying to sneak into World Title matches. The dream is dead. Daniel Bryan wins of course, but with 1:55 seconds remaining. If Daniel Bryan was going to beat the clock, why couldn’t Zack Ryder take the fall?
Anyway, this means Daniel Bryan vs. CM Punk at Over The Limit! It’s The Anti-Meat Nerd vs. The Anti-Beer Nerd! CM Punk and Daniel Bryan have a “staredown.” I don’t think Daniel Bryan knows he’s not supposed to scream “YES!” during a staredown, but every fan was screaming “YES!” because we’re getting Bryan vs. Punk for the WWE Championship! Everybody please buy this PPV!
John Cena Standing Tall:
John Cena comes out and tells his BFF, Stu the Cameraman, “How are ya? I made it! I’m here!” Stu perished in the Randy Orton vs. Kane match, John. Pay attention. It’s not always about you. Despite the sling he’s wearing, John Cena tells the crowd he’s hurt and not injured, which means he won’t be going away. Now the crowd is back to hating John Cena. John Laurinaitis comes out. John Cena gives him a Steven Tyler like introduction. He continues his humor with topical, hot off the press references to “No Holds Barred” the movie and his John Laurinaitis impression. Maybe Cena’s trying to be funny because he’s too hepped up on goofballs. He’s a little TOO excited for someone who was almost dead 24 hours ago. Give him a Wellness Test.
John Laurinaitis is ready to introduce John Cena’s opponent for Over The Limit but Lord Tensai and Sakamoto comes out to new music. It’s less Tajiri sounding. Lord Tensai: New Music. Same “discirpine.” John Cena’s 2003 past continues to haunt him. Maybe next week Spanky will attack him.
John Laurinaitis attacks Cena then mentions he’s Cena’s opponent for Over the Limit. I know…still buy the PPV for Bryan and Punk, folks. Team J-Pop America Fun Time Now attack Cena’s injured arm and no one comes out to help him. Maybe they don’t want to end up like Zack Ryder from a few months ago. Laurinaitis gives Cena’s arm a Lance Storm style chairshot. Cena’s left alone in the ring while TJPAFTN walk off proud of their accomplishments
So…That Happened: In one night, John Cena gets the entire crowd on his side and then everything is back to normal the next night It’s like nothing’s changed. Not going to kill the Cena/Laurinaitis story yet. It’s only been a week. We’ll see where it goes.
I enjoyed the Brock/Triple H segment and keeping both guys off the air for a little bit will do them some good until they eventually feud. I’m sad to see The Bellas go. I’m one of the few that liked them, but they’re pretty. They’ll be fine. As I stated earlier, I’m not a fan of the tag title change. I can only hope that this SL with AW will get Primo/Epico their titles back. Daniel Bryan winning the Beat the Clock challenge was a nice surprise and he and CM Punk will put on a great match at OTL. They always do!
That’s it for this week’s RAW Recap. Please let me know what you think via Twitter or the comments. Until next time, Keep It Five Star!
Three Man Booth 