RAW kicks off with John Cena making his return after a week long absence.
John Cena says that it’s great to be back on RAW and how a week off RAW felt like torture. As he’s speaking, the boos kick in.
John Cena goes on a tirade about what he’s seen on RAW in the past week. Cena mentions Antonio Cesaro’s Nipples, The Divas and Team Hell No.
John Cena uses his time to ask AJ Lee out on a date, maybe to In And Out Burger.
John Cena switches to serious mode and talks about CM Punk’s Title Reign. Cena says that if CM Punk is the Best In The World, what does it matter if people do not want to watch? Cena says people watch for moments like Money In The Bank and Night Of Champions and feels that at Hell In A Cell, people will be watching for another moment. Cena says that with one arm, one leg, no arms, he will go to HIAC to fight for the WWE Championship.
John Cena says that people don’t dislike CM Punk because he’s a Paul Heyman Guy, they dislike him because he refuses to be a man. Cena tells Punk not to “be a punk” and to face John Cena at Hell In A Cell.
John Cena thanks the crowd and leaves as The Ryback’s music hits.
Match 01: The Ryback vs. Primo and Epico
Winner: The Ryback
Match 02: Brodus Clay vs. R-Truth
R-Truth mentions that Little Jimmy is going through puberty and that he doesn’t want to wrestle.
R-Truth says Little Jimmy would rather dance. Brodus Clay, The Funkadactyls, R-Truth and Little Jimmy dance….
Mr. McMahon interrupts the dancing and says sends Brodus Clay, R-Truth and The Funkadactyls to the back because he’s ready to have his State Of The WWE Address.
Winner: Mr. McMahon
Mr. McMahon’s State Of The WWE Address:
Mr. McMahon makes his entrance doing his trademark McMahon Strut.
Mr. McMahon mentions that we just saw two grown men and two lovely ladies dance with an imaginary child, but says there’s room for that in the WWE. Mr. McMahon goes on to name more ridiculous things in the WWE then says that the most important thing in the WWE is action. Mr. McMahon says we want to see champions take on all comers and see the best take on the best. As Mr. McMahon smiles, CM Punk’s music hits and he comes to the ring wearing a new yellow shirt.
Mr. McMahon says that CM Punk is wearing an ugly t-shirt and that Punk is disrespecting him by interrupting his State Of The WWE Address. CM Punk says disrespect is Mr. McMahon rambling on about what people want to see. CM Punk says Mr. McMahon mentioning champions and not mentioning Punk’s name is a shot at him because he won’t step in the ring against John Cena at Hell In A Cell.
CM Punk mentions that he gave John Cena multiple title shots but Cena couldn’t get the job done. Punk says the people still don’t respect him then asks Mr. McMahon if he respects CM Punk?
Mr. McMahon says he respects that CM Punk has been champion, but admits that he’s not a “CM Punk Guy.” CM Punk says he knows this and that Mr. McMahon should be a CM Punk guy because he is the Best In The World and WWE Champion. CM Punk mentions that last year, he was just a spoke on the wheel but now he is the wheel. Punk says he’s the best thing Mr. McMahon and the WWE has right now and is appalled by the disrespect.
CM Punk says that Mr. McMahon should appreciate him more and that the fans don’t care about Jim Ross Appreciation Night or Jerry Lawler. CM Punk asks for his own appreciation night and says the WWE Universe should appreciate him more. Punk says that if he doesn’t start getting the respect he deserves, he’ll do what he did last year, hop the rail and quit and not come back this time. CM Punk says he’s the reason people are here and the reason that Mr. McMahon has a jet and fuel for his jet.
CM Punk says that if he isn’t the reason for WWE’s success, then who is? Mr. McMahon says it isn’t one person, but it’s the WWE Universe. Mr. McMahon says that CM Punk needs to listen to the WWE Universe then says he listens to them every day. McMahon says the WWE Universe is saying that someone needs to shut CM Punk up.
Mr. McMahon calls CM Punk for mentioning that he’s one of the greats then says that Punk is nowhere near the caliber of Andre The Giant, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Bret Hart, or a Stone Cold Steve Austin. CM Punk agrees that he’s not like Stone Cold Steve Austin because he made it to the top because of hard work, perseverance and never backing down. Unlike Austin, who took shots and ran away from fights. CM Punk says what catapulted Austin to the top was beating up a clueless, inept millionaire and says that it’s good that Austin did it back then because now the millionaire has become more clueless and more inept and is now a senior citizen. CM Punk asks Mr. McMahon if he’s mad.
CM Punk says it’s the way the WWE Universe treats him is like a slap to the face. Punk says it’s a slap in the face the way Mr. McMahon treats him and that he’s been doing it for years. CM Punk slaps Mr. McMahon in the face then says “That’s a slap in your face” before dropping the mic and leaving.
Mr. McMahon says he should fire CM Punk but that’s too good for Punk. Instead, Mr. McMahon challenges CM Punk to a match and claims by the end of the night, CM Punk is going to learn something about respect.
CM Punk blows a kiss to Mr. McMahon as Paul Heyman says this went the wrong way. Punk disagrees and says that he has McMahon exactly where he wants him. Punk tells Heyman to trust him and that everything’s going to be fine.
Match 03: ReyCara vs The Prime Time Players
Winners: ReyCara
Backstage: Paul Heyman tells CM Punk that this match with Mr. McMahon is a must lose situation. CM Punk says that Mr. McMahon isn’t the same guy that stepped in the ring with Stone Cold Steve Austin. Punk calls himself dangerous and says that he’s going to annihilate McMahon. Paul Heyman tells Punk that if he does that, Mr. McMahon is going to be obsessed with making their lives miserable. Punk assures Heyman that they have nothing to worry about and that he’ll find a way to win.
Match 04: Wade Barrett vs Sheamus
Big Show’s music hits and he comes down to watch the match.
The match continues as JBL continuously makes fun of Michael Cole.
Tensai interferes in the match and attacks Sheamus.
Winner: Sheamus by DQ
Post-Match Wade Barrett and Tensai attack Sheamus.
Sheamus Brogue Kicks Tensai then throws Wade Barrett out of the ring.
Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick but Big Show grabs his foot then hurls him out of the ring. Sheamus gets up shortly after prepared to fight, but Big Show leaves the ring.
JBL and Jim Ross argue over the McMahon vs. Punk match tonight. JR says that he’s going to have a talk with Mr. McMahon then leaves the announce booth.
Backstage: CM Punk tries to talk AJ Lee into stopping his match with Mr. McMahon out of fear of her losing her job. Punk says he’s going to break Mr. McMahon’s arms and legs and put him in a wheelchair. Punk says the Board Of Directions won’t blame him for hurting Mr. McMahon but the they will point the blame at AJ. AJ Lee says she knows he’s afraid to face John Cena, but is shocked that CM Punk is afraid to face him too. CM Punk says that he only came in here to give AJ Lee a chance at saving her job, but now, anything that happens to Mr. McMahon is on AJ Lee’s head.
Match 05: Antonio Cesaro vs. Tyson Kidd
A video is shown of Antonio Cesaro trashing American food and calling Americans Obese. David Vic AKA Vic The Vendor, serves Cesaro his cheese fries.
Antonio Cesaro refuses the cheese fries then walks away. Vic The Vendor looks around then…well I don’t want to overhype it, but a star is born.
Upon closer inspection, I realize the Vendor’s name is David.
Winner: Antonio Cesaro
Match 06: Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio vs. Team Hell No
Winners: Team Hell No
Backstage: Jim Ross tries to reason with Mr. McMahon about facing CM Punk tonight. Ross says as his friend, that Mr. McMahon has nothing to gain by facing CM Punk. Mr. McMahon tells JR that he appreciates’s concern but remembers Ross calling some of his matches with Austin and yelling “Stone COLD!” several times. Mr. McMahon wants JR to do him the honor of calling his match tonight and out “MCMAHON!” several times like he did for Austin. JR reluctantly agrees, but McMahon says he’s impatient and would like to hear it now. JR does as he’s told then says that he still thinks Mr. McMahon is making a mistake. McMahon responds to Ross by quoting The Rock and saying, “It DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!” McMahon tells Ross he’ll see him out there tonight then walks off.
Larry King Now with special guest: The Miz
Larry King greets Sacramento then gets ready to introduce The Miz, but The Miz’s music hits and he interrupts King by saying that there’s no need for King to introduce him, because he is the most Must See WWE Superstar on RAW. The Miz says if things go well with this interview, he might show up on Larry King’s new show, Larry King Now. Miz asks Larry King if he knows what today is, then tells him that today is one of the greatest day of all days because it is his birthday.
The Miz demands that Larry King and his wife lead the entire audience in singing Happy Birthday to The Miz. King says he has it on good authority that no one cares that it’s Miz’s birthday. King says he loves the WWE because can do things in the WWE that he can’t do in his own show like replace a boring guest with a better guest. Larry King introduces his new guest Kofi Kingston!
Kofi Kingston says he’s here on Larry King Now to promote “The Good Word.” Kofi says the “good word” is that Monday Night RAW in here live Sacramento.
The Miz interrupts with his “Really” chant then says he can’t tell who’s less relevant: A “Has-Been Talk Show Host” or a “Never Was Superstar.” Miz claims if he wasn’t on this stage it would be filled with amateurs. Miz says that Kofi wishes he was a champion, while Larry King wishes he was as good of a talk show host as Miz is when he was Miz’s age. Miz continues to brag by saying that he’s had more championships than Larry King has had wives and that Kofi Kingston has had Main Events. Larry King tries to stand up but Miz forces him to sit down.
The Miz demands that Larry King take his show and leave before he suffers another divorce, specifically, Miz divorcing King’s Big Head from his Little Body. Larry King’s wife Shawn stands up and tosses a cup of water in Miz’s face.
Kofi Kingston finally decides to get involved and starts attacking Miz before throwing him off the stage. After the attack, Kofi takes off his shirt and tie then dives off the stage and jumps at The Miz.
Kofi Kingston attacks The Miz all the way to the back as Larry King says “Goodnight” to Sacramento.
Match 07: Co-Bro vs. Rhodes Scholars
Winners: Rhodes Scholars
Post-Match, Encore/The Band jumps Santino Marella again.
Encore/The Band celebrate their beatdown by dancing and playing imaginary instruments.
Backstage: Paul Heyman tries to talk Mr. McMahon out of the match with CM Punk tonight but fails. Heyman pleads with McMahon to not let CM Punk do to him what Brock Lesnar did to his son-in-law, Triple H.
Match 08: Kaitlyn vs. Handsome Eve Torres (with Layla on commentary)
Winner: Handsome Eve Torres
Post-Match, Layla checks on Kaitlyn. Handsome Eve Torres tries to help but Layla shoves her down
.
Backstage: Josh Mathews tries to Alberto Del Rio about Randy Orton tweeting that he’ll be at Smackdown, but Del Rio could care less. Mathews keeps trying but Del Rio walks away from him.
Backstage: Larry King and Shawn talk about The Miz until they are interrupted by Daniel Bryan who has a question.
Daniel Bryan reminds Larry King about the time David Letterman called him an owl, then compares the situation to people calling him “goatface.” Bryan asks Larry King how he dealt with it, but cuts him off saying that King does look like an owl.
Daniel Bryan calls himself incredibly attractive then hits on Larry King’s wife, Shawn, who says she doesn’t make a habit out of dating guys who look like they sleep under bridges with trolls. Bryan defends the one time he slept under a bridge until Larry King tells Daniel Bryan to accept the Goatface moniker, then introduces the next caller from Part’s Unknown, Kane!
Kane tells Daniel Bryan that people are talking about how Kane has carried Bryan’s “goatface” ever since Kane became the Tag Team Champions. Bryan says he’s the Tag Team Champions then argues with Kane about insulting his looks. Bryan says Kane looks like he’s been slapped with a fruit roll up.
Kane says he should slap Daniel Bryan’s head and the two argue some more. Kane says that Bryan looks like a Chia Pet, but they stop arguing when they realize Larry King and Shawn are gone. Daniel Bryan blames Kane for scaring off Larry King. Kane says he didn’t know that was Larry King and thought that was Skeletor.
Backstage: Paul Heyman hypes up CM Punk saying that Mr. McMahon doesn’t care that he’s the WWE Champion, or that he’s the Best In The World. Heyman says that Mr. McMahon is going to plan that they spend the rest of their lives in hell unless Punk beats McMahon to the point that he can never make another decision for the rest of his life. CM Punk says he’s going to victimize Mr. McMahon and that he’s going to enjoy every single second of it.
Match 09: CM Punk vs. Mr. McMahon
CM Punk attacks Mr. McMahon from behind while he makes his entrance.
CM Punk mocks Mr. McMahon by doing commentary. He mentions the classic McMahon line “WHAT A MANEUVER!”
CM Punk tries to GTS Mr. McMahon, but McMahon slips out and pushes CM Punk into the ring post. McMahon picks up a mic then says he’s going to teach CM Punk about respect. McMahon slides over the announce table and attacks CM Punk with the microphone.
Mr. McMahon pulls a Kendo Stick from underneath the ring causing CM Punk to retreat.
CM Punk tells Paul Heyman to grab the WWE Championship and leave, but Mr. McMahon catches Paul Heyman and slaps him. McMahon stands in the ring with the kendo stick and WWE Championship waiting for CM Punk to get back into the ring.
CM Punk finds a Kendo Stick and is ready to duel with Mr. McMahon. Mr. McMahon gets the upperhand with the Kendo Stick.
CM Punk starts to beg off as Mr. McMahon comes closer with the Kendo Stick. CM Punk hits Mr. McMahon with a low blow.
Ryback comes out for the save CM Punk beats Mr. McMahon with two Kendo Sticks then prepares to hit Mr. McMahon with the Go To Sleep until Ryback’s theme plays and Ryback makes his way down to the ring.
CM Punk tries to run from The Ryback but John Cena grabs Punk and tosses him back into the ring. The Ryback clotheslines CM Punk then picks him up for the Shellshock, but CM Punk slips out then runs up the crowd.
Mr. McMahon says that he hopes that CM Punk learned something about respect tonight. McMahon announces that CM Punk will face The Ryback or John Cena at Hell In A Cell. McMahon says that if CM Punk doesn’t make the decision next week, Mr. McMahon will make it for him.
So That Happened:
Three Man Booth 